Total Drama Fire & Ice
by CanzetYote
Summary: 16 new contestants arrive on a newly rebuilt Total Drama Island. What does the dangerous island have in store for them? May change to M rating later on.
1. Hold Your Wee For Immunity Part 1

The sun beat down on Total Drama Island as Chris sat on the docks, sipping a lemonade, "Welcome, viewers to a brand new season of Total Drama Island. This time, 16 brand spanking new contestants will be competing for the prize of one MILLION dollars! There will be pain, blood and tears alike will be shed and the teens will be exposed to a hell that none of them have been exposed to before. This will be ratings GOLD. So sit back and grab a bag of popcorn because this will be a season you'll never forget. Only on Total Drama Island!"

*I Wanna Be Famous Theme Song*

Chris and Chef waited patiently on the docks for the contestants to arrive. In the distance, they saw a boat on the horizon with a youthful looking blonde haired blue-eyed teenager with freckles standing on it wearing a white baseball uniform and a red baseball cap. He had a catcher's mitt in one hand and a suitcase in the other. He wore red sneakers. The boat pulled into the dock and the boy hopped off. Chris greeted him with a big smile, "Billy, welcome to Total Drama Island."

The young teen smiled as he hopped off the boat, "Gee whiz, so does that mean I win since I'm the first to arrive?"

Chris shook his head, "Sorry, Billy but that's not how it works here. There will be 15 others competing for the prize besides you."

Billy hung his head and sighed, "Aw, shucks..."

The youthful teen sadly walked to the other end of the dock and a second boat pulled up. Standing on the boat was a brunette girl with blue eyes. She wore jean pants and was topless except for a red bra with spaghetti staps. She also wore black high heels. In her arms was a baby wrapped in a blue blanket, "Hi there, I couldn't find a babysitter so Robby will join me on the island."

"Welcome to Total Drama Island, Brittany." Chris greeted the teen who carefully hopped onto the dock and shook the host's hand.

Brittany looked around at her surroundings, "Is there by any chance a baby changing station around here? I think my little Robby just soiled himself."

Chris shrugged, "You could always use the confessional."

Brittany joined Billy at the dock and he stared at her in amazement, "Jeepers! Is that really your baby?"

Brittany nodded, "Sadly, yes. You see, my boyfriend fooled around with me and forgot to use a condom."

Billy blinked a couple times in confusion, "Oh. What's a condom?"

Brittany sighed, "You'll find out when you're older, okay?"

"Everyone, say hello to Philip!" Chris announced as a third boat pulled in. There was a teen boy with brown hair, blue eyes, a black suit, a red tie, black pants and brown shoes standing on the boat. In one hand, he carried a suitcase and in the other, he held an inhaler.

Philip hopped off the boat and turned his attention to Billy and Brittany before looking to Chris, "You seriously let a teen mother on the show with her BABY?!"

Chris shrugged, "It makes for good ratings and besides, it's her baby. She chose to be on the show without getting a babysitter."

Philip marched over to the end of the dock and glared at Brittany, "You better take REAL good care of your baby then, all right?"

Brittany smiled, "Don't worry, I will."

A fourth boat pulled into the dock and on it stood a black male teen wearing a labcoat and glasses with a stethoscope around his neck, blue pants and black shoes. He was carrying a first aid kit. Chris greeted him with a grin, "Welcome to the island, Tanner."

Tanner walked up to Chris and pressed his stethoscope to the host's chest, "Your heart rate seems normal which is good. Tell me, Chris Maclean, just how much plastic surgery have you had?"

"I don't think that's any of your business." Chris replied, crossing his arms.

Tanner sighed and shook his head. Walking to the other end of the dock, Billy dashed up and greeted him, "Hi, I'm Billy. Gee whiz, I sure hope we're on the same team together. I gets lots of cuts and scrapes whenever I play baseball."

Tanner smiled at Billy, "Nice to meet you, Billy." The doctor then turned and glanced at Brittany who was breastfeeding her baby boy. He simply rolled his eyes and crossed his arms at her.

A fifth boat pulled in and on it stood a fat female teen the same exact build as Sadie and Sugar with green skin, gray hair and a warty nose. She wore a black coat, a witch's hat, lime green and black striped thigh-lengths stockings, black boots and a purple scarf around her neck. She had a black cat perched on her shoulder and she is carrying a cauldron with a broom in it. She burst into a fit of evil cackling, "Time to eat you all, my pretties! Mweeheeheeheeehee!"

"Everyone, say hello to Luna, the wickedest witch in Canada!" Chris announced as the witch hopped off the boat and onto the dock.

Philip rolled his eyes, "They just keep getting weirder and weirder..."

Luna walked to the other end of the dock and grinned at Brittany, "My, what a tasty little morsel you have there...mind if I dip him in chocolate and eat him?"

Brittany turned around and kicked Luna in the shin, "Don't even THINK about hurting my little Robby Wobby!"

Luna shook her fist at Brittany, "I'll put a curse on you, my dearie! You'll see!"

The black cat turned around and hissed at Billy and the youngster gasped, "Jeepers, she sure is a scary one!"

"She may be scary but she has much better English than our next contestant. Everyone, say hello to Olga!" Chris announced as a sixth boat pulled in. Standing on the boat was a teenage girl, easily over 6 foot tall wearing nothing but a leopard skin tunic and a bone in her hair. She was Caucasian and had brown hair and blue-green eyes.

The tall girl smiled at the other contestants and hopped off the boat, "Hello, me Olga. Me here to make friend, play tribal music, hunt and fish with bare hands. Olga very strong and Olga very nice. Have lots of fun." Suddenly, a monkey hops off the boat and perches on Olga's shoulder and starts eating ticks from her hair. Tanner cringes while Brittany simply shrugs, "It's the same thing as breastfeeding. How can you call yourself a doctor if something like that fazes you?"

"I just think ticks are gross, that's all." Tanner replied calmly.

Philip nodded, "Yeah, she could really use a shower and some more clothes. And to think Billy over here was stuck in the past."

Olga frowned and joined the rest of the contestants on the docks as a 7th boat pulled up. On this boat stood a tall white male teen dressed in green army camo and an orange military style beret with dark eyes and combat boots. He was shouting a military cadence at the top of his lungs, "I DON'T KNOW BUT I'VE BEEN TOLD, I'LL WIN TOTAL DRAMA, SOMETHING THAT RHYMES WITH TOLD!"

The teen marched off the boat and Chris greeted him, "Fred, welcome-"

"DO NOT CALL ME FRED, CALL ME SIR! I WILL BE YOUR DRILL INSTRUCTOR AND YOU WILL ALL LISTEN TO ME OR I WILL FORCE YOU TO DROP DOWN AND GIVE ME FIFTY PUSHUPS, YOU HEAR?" Fred shouted angrily.

Philip gave Fred a dirty look, "Sorry, but I can't. You see, I suffer from asthma, so I can't-"

Immediately, Fred marched up to Philip, ripped his inhaler out of his hand and chucked it off the dock and into the water, "THAT'S JUST A CRUTCH, DIRTBAG! NOW DROP AND GIVE ME FIFTY!"

Suddenly, Olga dived in the lake and grabbed the inhaler, "Here your tube thingy back, Philip. Olga got it back for you!"

"Thanks." Philip replied as Olga swam back to him and gave him his inhaler back.

Tanner glared at the military teen, "Just cause your in the army gives you no right to boss others around! You realize you could go to jail for attempted murder for what you just did there!"

"I DON'T CARE, INHALERS ARE FOR WEAK PEOPLE WITH NO MASCULINITY!" Fred shouted.

Tanner crossed his arms, "Besides, if you keep shouting like that, you're bound to lose your voice someday."

An 8th boat pulled in and there appeared to be a girl holding a monster energy drink hopping up and down excitedly on it. She was albino with pale skin, white hair and red eyes and wore a white tank top with a purple heart on her chest with a purple miniskirt, ankle lengthy white socks and black shoes. She had a camera around her neck and she was waving her arms frantically, "OMGOMGOMGCHRISCHRISCHRIS!"

Chris turned to the 7 teens on the dock and grinned, "Everyone, welcome Chelsea."

The albino teen hopped off the boat and dashed up to Chris, flashing photos of him with her camera, "HelloHelloHelloI'mSoTotallyExcitedToFinallyMeetACelebrityDidYouKnowIDownloadedThatSexTapeOfYouThroughAnIllegalFileSharingSite?"

Chris blinked, "Wait. WHAT?!"

Chelsea nodded, "YeahYoureAllNakedAndStuffAndYoureAllSpankingThatLatinoGirlWhileSheMakesCommentsAboutYourAbnormallySmallWeeewee."

Philip just stared at her in shock, "I have no idea."

Luna just stared as well, "Can I turn her into a frog and eat her for breakfast?"

Tanner walked up to Chelsea and rubbed his chin, "Right, so how many of those energy drinks do you have in a day?"

Chelsea shrugged, "OhIDunnoAbout35NormallyWhyDoYouAsk?"

Tanner shrugged, "Just concerned about your health."

"Everyone make some noise for that metal head bad girl, Mary!" Chris announced as the 9th boat pulled into the dock. On the boat stood a tall girl with pale skin, emerald green eyes, a dark blue mane of eighties hair with matching dark blue lipstick, a spiker dog collar, a black leather jacket with a skull and crossbones on the back, fishnet stockings and long leather boots. She was holding a black electric guitar with blue flames on it, "Hey, Chris. I've come prepared and I'm ready to ROCK this competition!"

Olga smiled at Mary, "Olga like rocks, rocks help break nuts open for nutrients."

Tanner rolled his eyes, "That's not the kind of rock she means, Olga."

Suddenly, Chelsea dashed up to Mary and shook her hand excitedly, "HiThereI'mChelseaAndYouLookReallyCoolAndIWasWonderingThatWhenYouGetOnTheTop40ChartsIfICouldSpyOnYouAndFilmYouNakedAndTakePicturesOfYourNakedFamousBodyAndSellThemOnEbayAnd..."

Mary immediately pulled away, "All right already, I think I get the picture."

The blue haired girl walked down the dock and stood next to Brittany, "So, ya got knocked up, eh?"

Brittany glared at Mary, "Just make sure your heavy metal doesn't wake my baby."

Mary rolled her eyes, "Tch. Fine."

A 10th boat pulls into the dock and a black male teen in a full body of knight armor stands leaps off it, "I have come to save thine maiden from thy dragon's clutches and winneth thine million!"

"Theo, welcome to Total Drama Island." Chris greeted as he shook the hand of the knight.

Fred smiled at him, "ALWAYS NICE TO HAVE A FELLOW SOLDIER!"

Billy dashed up to Theo and shook his hand, "Gee Whiz. So you really are a real knight?"

Theo nodded, "Yes, I am indeed a real knight, thine armor ist real."

Tanner blinked a few times, "Don't you ever get hot with all that armor on? You should really be careful of heartstroke, man."

"Thou is fine, heat is thine least of mine worries with dragons about." Theo replied.

"Oh, brother." Mary rolled her eyes. Theo joined the rest of the teens on the dock as the eleventh boat pulled in. A white redhead girl wearing sunglasses and a black shirt, denim shorts and black shoes. She was holding a pair of bongo drums with her as she hopped off the boat and stared at the other contestants. Theo was grinning and waving, Luna was picking her nose and examining her boogers, Brittany was playing peekaboo with her baby, Tanner and Billy greeted her with smiles, Philip and Fred glared at her, Olga was grooming her monkey, Chelsea was hopping up and down and Mary was playing a few chords on her guitar. "Welcome to camp, Janessa."

The beatnik folded her arms and shook her head, "Looks like dragsville, yo. Bunch of mainstreamers." Janessa walked to the other end of the dock and joined the group.

"Everyone, make some noise for Total Drama's very first ever FURRY contestant, Clark!" Chris announced as the 12th boat pulled in. A large male Native American teen, about the same build as Owen stood on the boat. He had braids in his dark hair and wore a white shirt with a buckskin vest and pants, handpaw gloves, a headband with pointed triangular ears and a fake raccoon tail clipped to the seat of his pants. He was carrying a suitcase and a plush doll of Sly Cooper in his hand.

Clark hopped off the boat and walked up to Chris and the host grinned at him, "Hey, aren't you one of those guys who does naughty things in animal costumes?"

Clark chuckled and shook his head, "I have no idea what you're talking about. Obviously, you've never been to a real furry convention before."

Janessa crossed her arms, "Man, furries are such squares, yo."

Billy looked confused, "Gee whiz, what's a furry?"

Philip rolled his eyes, "Like I said, they just get weirder and weirder."

Mary shrugged, "I don't know, he seems kinda cool."

Luna folded her arms, "He has a lot of meat on him but raccoons give me gas. I'll pass on him."

Clark joined the others at the dock and the 13th boat pulled in. On it stood a teen who looked a lot like Duncan but with a red mohawk, earrings, a blue shirt with a cigarette on it, tan pants and brown shoes. He held a suitcase in one hand and an unlit cigarette in the other. The punk-looking teen hopped off the boat, "Yo, Chris. You got a light?"

"Everyone, welcome Ollie. He's a cigarette addict." Chris said with a big grin on his face.

Ollie nodded, "Damn straight I am. Nicotine is for pansies, I'm talking about real deal tobacco, people!"

Tanner raised an eyebrow, "You sure that's healthy? If you're addicted to smoking, you could develop cancer at an early age."

"Shut the hell up! Cigarettes are healthy! Know why? Tobacco is perfectly NATURAL. It comes from plants!" Ollie replied defensively.

Billy smiled, "I've seen some big league baseball players spit tobacco when they go up to bat. Maybe it's a big boy thing."

Tanner turned to Billy, "You stay away from this guy, he not only reeks of cigarettes but of bad influence as well."

Ollie rolled his eyes, "Oh, just shut the hell up. Like I said, anyone got a light?"

Mary rolled her eyes and pulled a KISS lighter out of her leather jacket, "All right, you can borrow mine but only if you promise to give it back to me."

Ollie snickered as he lit his cigarette, "Yeah, whatever." The punk took a long drag of his cigarette and puffed a cloud of smoke into a nearby Philip's face, making him go into a hacking fit and reach for his inhaler.

"The next contestant is not a tobacco addict, but a deep fried inventor, everyone say hi to Adam!" Chris announced as a 14th boat pulled in. On the boat stood a white male teen in an orange shirt with overalls, brown hair, green eyes, red shoes and a coon skin cap. He was carrying a suitcase. The teen jumped off the boy and ran up to Chris, giving the host a high five, "Hiya there, I reckon..."

In a split second, Clark had grabbed to smaller teen by his throat, lifted him up and gave him a death glare, "So tell me, Adam. Does it make you feel like a REAL man to wear one of my murdered bretheren on your head?"

Adam now had a terrified look on his face, "I...uh...uh...your kin?"

Chris stood between the two, "All right, break it up you two. I know it would make great ratings for a furry to choke a redneck to death on national TV but we have a show to do here, people. Save your grudge for the challenges."

Clark dropped Adam like a sack of potatoes and turned to face the shocked contestants. He frowned apologetically, "Sorry, but my blood boils whenever I see someone in a raccoon skin cap. My spirit animal is a raccoon so it makes me feel deeply offended. To me, it's like cannibalism of another human."

Luna shrugged, "Cannibalism? So, what? Children taste good with the right ingredients like eye of newt and wing of bat. Being a witch and all, eating children comes with my resume. Mweeheeheeheehee!""

Everyone ignored Luna's insane comment as Adam got to his feet and brushed himself off, "Ya know...I think I'll introduce mahself later..."

A 15th boat pulled in and on it stood a very young female teen who looked similar to Beth only her hair was blond and in two ponytails. She wore a white lace angel skirt with the picture of a dove carrying an olive branch on it, glasses, black tap shoes and a cross necklace around her neck. She hopped off the boat and gave Chris a great big hug, "Jesus loves you!"

The girl the turned to the rest of the contestants, "Jesus loves ALL OF YOU!"

Mary rolled her eyes, "Oh, gag me with a crowbar. I think I can feel my teeth rotting."

"Everyone, say hello to Ether." Chris announced as the little girl walked up to Luna and hugged her.

"Even Jesus loves witches!" Ether squealed as she hugged Luna.

Luna pushed Ether off of her, "Stop that Jesus nonsense or I will turn you into a big, warty toad!"

Billy glared at Luna, "Hey, that wasn't very nice. She was only trying to be your friend."

Ollie rolled his eyes, "All this Jesus talk makes me wanna light one up. Sunday is my least favorite day of the month cause of all that church crap and alcohol laws. One time I used a holy water dish as an ashtray. Boy oh boy, were those nuns pissed!"

"Finally, last but not least we have our final contestant, Yumi the circus clown!" Chris announced.

Tanner's jaw dropped and a look of horror crossed his face, "Did you just say...a CLOWN?!"

The final boat pulled in and on it stood a somewhat chubby Asian clown girl with white makeup, red lipstick, an orange afro wig, blue stars on her cheeks, an orange and purple checkered jacket with red buttons, big white gloves, yellow banana-bants and white crocs. She jumped off the boat, ran up to Chris and shook his hand. Instantly, the host was zapped by a joy buzzer and immediately, Yumi pulled a coconut cream pie out of her jacket and smashed it in the host's face. She then pulled out a kazoo and blew a single note into it before singing,

_When you want to scream _

_Put away that frown_

_And never be scared of a clown! _

_Laugh on, laugh on, laugh on and on and on_

_You'll never laugh alone!"_

Billy, Olga, Chelsea and Ether all aplauded Yumi's performance while most everyone else rolled their eyes at her. Theo smiled at her, "Ah yes, thine court jester hath arrived."

Tanner curled up into a fetal position, sobbing with tears streaming down his face. Yumi walked up to Billy and blew up a balloon, twisting it into the shape of a heart, she presented it to him. Billy blushed, "Gee willickers, is this really for me?"

Yumi nodded, "Of course you can keep it!"

Philip folded his arms, "This place now feels less like a reality show and more like a Halloween party."

Chris smiled at the 16 contestants, "Now as you all know there are 16 on you on the island. That means, you will divide in two teams of 8. One by one, you will be picked off until only one contestant remains to claim the prize of one million dollars."

"Gee Whiz, Chris. How are you going to assign teams?" Billy asked innocently.

Chris chuckled a bit, "Funny you should ask. Everyone, follow me to the greenhouse. Also, by the way there's a confessional on this island so if you ever need to record your personal thoughts or need to vent, that's what you use."

The confessional was the exact same one as the one in TDI. It was a wooden outhouse with a strip of flypaper on the upper left-hand side with graffiti of Kilroy, a skull and crossbones and a heart with an arrow through it craved in the walls as well as a couple toilet paper rolls.

**CHELSEA (CC):** OhMyGodOhMyGodOhMyGodThisPlaceIsSooooCoolICouldProbablyInstallAnExtraCameraInHereToSpyOnChrisAndTheOtherContestantsToSeeIfTheyGetNakedAndSellTheNudiePixOnEbayEEEEEEEEE!

**PHILIP (CC):** *facing away from camera* Oooh, restroom graffiti, REAL mature...

**CLARK (CC):** Being the first furry on Total Drama makes me nervous. I hope Chris doesn't single me out because of it.

**BRITTANY (CC):** *changes Robby's diaper*

**OLLIE (CC):** *takes a puff of his cigarette*

**MARY (CC):** Is it just me or does this confessional smell like dirty diapers and cigarette smoke?

And so, Chris led the 16 campers to the greenhouse and stood in front of the doors, "One by one, each of you will enter this greenhouse and pick a kennel. There are 16 of them. 8 of the kennels are filled with ticked off ferrets that may or may not have been tested for rabies, the other 8 contain really pissed off hawks with razor sharp beaks and talons. Once each of you gets your kennel, you must take the animal out with your bare hands and wrangle it or let it go but you must touch the animal with your bare hands or you WILL be the first one to go home. Any questions?"

Clark raised his paw, "Excuse me, but isn't this a little bit cruel to animals? What if I refuse to harm the animal for spiritual reasons?"

Chris smirked, "I wouldn't do that if I were you, Clark. If you refuse this challenge, you are officially eliminated."

Brittany raised her hand as well, "But...what if my little Robby gets bitten or pecked to death?"

Chris shrugged, "Your fault for bringing your baby on the island, lady. Get over it." The host grinned at the 16 campers, "All right, we're going in reverse arrival order so Yumi, you're first up."

The clown girl nodded and entered the greenhouse. She came out with a kennel, opened the door and felt a sharp beak peck at her hand, "OW! I think I got a bird."

The hawk flew out of its cage and started pecking at Yumi's clown wig as she ran around in circles. Chris turned to Ether, "You're up next, Ether."

Ether entered the greenhouse and came out with a cage. She opened the door, reached inside and felt sharp teeth sink into her hand. She pulled out a ferret and started patting it, "Jesus loves you, little ferret."

**ETHER (CC):** Yeah, like I really meant it. Ferrets are the hellspawn of Satan himself!

Adam let out a sigh, "Let's just git this over with."

The genius redneck entered the greenhouse and came out with a kennel. Opening it, he stuck his hand inside and felt his hand being pecked and he pulled a hawk out. He then noticed Yumi had a hawk too and stood by her.

Ollie sucked in a deep breath of cigarette smoke and entered the greenhouse. He came out with a cage, opened it and stuck his hand inside. Instantly, a hawk flew out of the cage and swiped his cigarette clean out of his mouth, "HEY, YOU STUPID BIRD. GIMME BACK MY SMOKES!"

**OLLIE (CC):** God, I hate birds.

Ollie joined Yumi and Adam. Clark got up and took and deep breath, "The spirits shall help guide me to fate..."

The Native American furry teen pulled off his paw-gloves, walked into the greenhouse and came out with a cage, opened the door and reached inside. He felt something lick him and he pulled out a ferret and it nuzzled close to him. Tanner stared it amazement, "It didn't bite you?"

Clark smiled, "It can sense that I mean no harm. Our souls must be in sync."

**ETHER (CC):** Clark is a disgusting furfag and he deserves to yiff in hell. Why do I have to be on the same team as HIM?!

Janessa groaned, "Not cool, looks like I'm next."

The beatnik girl entered the greenhouse and came out with a cage. She opened the door, reached inside and pulled out a dead hawk, "Ewww...what the heck, dog?"

Chris smirked a little, "Oh yeah, I forgot to feed some of them so they kind of you know, died."

Janessa groaned and joined Yumi, Adam and Ollie. Theo eagerly changed into the greenhouse and came out with a cage. He opened the cage door and out flew a hawk which started pecking at his armor. He used his visor to shield himself as he swatted at it, "Back, feathered fiend or I shall lay waste to thee!"

The hawk flew away from Theo and the knight joined Yumi, Adam, Ollie and Janessa.

Mary took a deep breath, "Well, looks like I'm up next." The blue-haired rockstar got up and entered the greenhouse and came out with a kennel. She opened the door and stuck her hand in. Instantly, she heard a hiss and sharp teeth bit into her hand, "OWWW! Dammit, that hurt! Looks like I got a ferret."

Mary walked over to Ether and Clark and joined them.

**ETHER (CC):** Rock is the devil's music, why do I have to be stuck with this satanic bitch?

Chelsea got up and giddily jogged into the greenhouse and came out with a cage. She opened the door and reached her hand in. Instantly, she was bitten by a ferret and pulled it out, "AwwwwHesSoCuteIThinkIllNameHimPhotographAndTeachHimToSpyOnJohnnyDepp!"

Chelsea joined Ether, Clark and Mary as the ferret latched onto her head and started gnawing on her.

**ETHER (CC):** Great, now I've got that filthy albino hellspawn on my team. Oh well, Jesus will smite my teammates when the time comes.

Fred marched his way into the greenhouse as he shouted a cadence at the top of his lungs:  
I DON'T KNOW BUT I'VE BEEN TOLD  
MOLDY SOCKS ARE FULL OF MOLD

The drill instructor teen came out of the greenhouse with a kennel and opened it. Instantly, a ferret shot out of it, lept up and latched onto his crotch with razor sharp fangs, "AHHHHH, MOMMY, GET IT OFF ME GET IT OFF ME, IT'S GOT MY ROCKY MOUNTAIN OYSTERS AND I NEED THOSE FOR MY MASCULINITY! WAAAAAAH! MOMMY, HELP ME HELP ME HELP MEEEEEEE!"

**PHILIP (CC):** Payback is a bitch.

Fred ran up to Ether, Clark, Mary and Chelsea and joined them. Olga cracked her knuckles and got up, "Olga no scared of beasts."

The cavegirl walked into the greenhouse and came out holding a cage. She opened it and a hawk flew out. Instantly, she took her bone out of her hair and clubbed the hawk on the head. It fell to the ground unconscious as most of the contestants applauded her while Clark sadly shook his head in shame. Olga walked over to Yumi, Adam, Ollie, Janessa and Theo and joined them.

**CLARK (CC):** Personally, I felt that clubbing was cruel and unnecessary.

Luna smirked as she entered the greenhouse, "Now is the perfect time to test my spells."

The witch came out with a cage, opened it and stuck her hand in. Instantly she was pecked by a hawk and it flew out of the cage and started pecking her on the head, "FILTHY BIRD! I shall curse you and all your children for that, my pretty!"

Luna ran away from the hawk and joined Yumi, Adam, Ollie, Janessa, Theo and Olga.

**LUNA (CC):** So many delicious campers, so little time. MWEEHEEHEEHEEHEE!

Tanner sighed, "All right, looks like I'm up next..."

The teen doctor entered the greenhouse and came out with a cage. He reached his hand in and pulled out a dead ferret, "Ewww."

Tanner dropped the dead ferret to the ground and joined Ether, Clark, Mary, Chelsea and Fred. Clark closed his eyes and hung his head in silence, a single tear rolling down his face for the dead ferret.

Philip took a breath of his inhaler and sighed, "Only 3 cages left..."

Philip adjusted his tie and walked into the greenhouse. He came out with a cage, opened it and pulled out a dead hawk, "Yeah, figures..."

Philip joined Yumi, Adam, Ollie, Janessa, Theo, Olga and Luna. Brittany sighed and handed Ether her baby, "I'm going in, could you watch the baby for me?"

Ether nodded as Brittany entered the greenhouse and came out with a cage. The teen mother opened it up and stuck her hand in only to be bitten by a ferret, "OW! Damn, that really hurt!"

Brittany joined Ether, Clark, Mary, Chelsea, Fred and Tanner. Billy took a deep breath, "Looks like I get the last one. Jeepers, I sure hope I don't get bit."

Billy walked in the greenhouse and exited with the final cage. Taking a deep breath, the retro 50s boy stuck his hand in and pulled out a plush ferret, "Huh?"

Suddenly, he heard a loud ticking and Fred gasped, "IT'S A BOMB, SOLDIER. DROP IT AND RUN!"

Billy yelped in shock as he threw the plush ferret into the air and it exploded in a fiery blast as stuffing and shrapnel rained on the ground. Tanner looked around himself and shook his head.

**TANNER (CC):** These poor campers, it's a good thing a medical professional like me signed up to be on here.

**CHRIS (CC):** Haha. I was waiting to see which one got the bomb-ferret.

The campers all moaned, cut up with bites, pecks, scratches and sharpnel pieces as Chris stood there laughing uncontrollably. It took almost 3 whole minutes for the host to stop laughing and regain composure, "All right, teams have been assigned. Billy, Brittany, Tanner, Fred, Chelsea, Mary, Clark and Ether, you guys are now known as the Freezing Ferrets. Philip, Luna, Olga, Theo, Janessa, Ollie, Adam and Yumi, you guys will now be known as the Burning Birds. Since your fire and ice themed teams, you'll be staying in cabins that correspond to the nature of your element. Oh yeah, and try not to get too attached to your roommates because one of you WILL be leaving tonight. Follow me and I'll show you to your cabins."

To be continued...

**NOTE:** So what do you think of it so far? Who do you think will be the first camper eliminated? And which ones are your favorites?

Here is a list of the campers and stereotypes:

**FROSTY FERRETS:**  
Billy, the All-American 50s boy  
Brittany, the Teen Mother  
Chelsea, the Paparazzi Pervert  
Clark, the Otherkin Furry Fan  
Ether, the Secretly Evil Religious Fanatic  
Fred, the Obnoxious Drill Instructor  
Mary, the Heavy Metal Queen  
Tanner, the Med Student

**BURNING BIRDS:**  
Adam, the Redneck Inventor  
Janessa, the Beatnik Bitch  
Luna, the Wicked Witch Wannabe  
Olga, the Cavegirl  
Ollie, the Chain Smoker  
Philip, the Struggling Con Artist  
Theo, the Literal Knight In Shining Armor  
Yumi, the Circus Clown

BTW, **NAME (CC):** indicates a someone using the confessional.


	2. Hold Your Wee For Immunity Part 2

Mary, Brittany, Ether and Chelsea all entered the girls' side of the Frost Ferrets cabin only to feel a significant temperature drop. They all looked down at the floor and noticed it was litterally covered in snow. Mary hugged herself for warmth, "Damn, it's colder that a witch's tit in here."

Ether grinned at her surroundings, "I like it, it reminds me of Christmas time. I think I'm going to build a snowman. Would any of you like to help?"

Chelsea raised her hand and hopped up and down, "OooohMeMeMePickMeLetsMakeANakedLeonardoDecaprioSnowmanWithACarrotWeewee!"

Brittany crossed her arms and glared at her fellow teammates, "You're all so immature. You have no idea what parenthood is like. Besides, I don't like it here, the milk in my breasts might freeze and my little Robby Wobby will starve!"

Mary glared at Brittany, "Then you shouldn't even brought him here in the first place, lady. Besides, you have the nerve to call us immature while you're the one who probably fooled around and got knocked up."

**BRITTANY (CC):** Mary is such a bitch! How dare she call me immature, I'm an excellent mother!

**MARY (CC):** Once this show ends, I'm pretty sure Brittany will get a visit from CPS.

Meanwhile, the Frosty Ferret boys are getting situated in their snowy new room. "G-g-g-gee Wh-wh-wh-whiz it sure is f-f-f-freezing in here!" Billy shivered.

Fred shoved Billy face-first into the snow-covered floor, "BITE THE BULLET, PANSY! THIS IS HOW REAL MEN LIVE!"

Tanner shot a glare at Fred, "Was that really necessary, Fred? Like I said, just because you're in the military it gives you no right to bully others, especially those smaller than you."

Clark nodded, "The doctor has a point, you know, this brings to mind an old folklore tale my grandfather once told me..."

"SHUT YOUR PIE HOLE, I DON'T WANNA HEAR NO SILLY OLD FART FANTASY STORIES, GIMME A WAR STORY ANYDAY ABOUT EXPLODING TANKS AND THAT KINDA STUFF!" Fred shouted as he got in Clark's face.

"Yes, because stories with exploding tanks are oh-so-rich with culture." Clark replied sarcastically, rolling his eyes.

"EXACTLY" Fred agreed, Clark's sarcasm going clear over his head.

Tanner helped pick Billy up off the floor and brushed the snow off him, "You okay, Billy?"

Fred turned and glared at Tanner, "DON'T YOU BABY HIM LIKE SOME SISSY GIRLY MOTHER, HE NEEDS TO FIND OUT HIS TRUE MANLY SELF AND HE NEEDS TO EAT BEEF JERKY!"

As Tanner and Fred argued in the background, Billy turned and faced Clark who was the only one that wasn't shivering, "G-G-Golly, Clark. How do you manage to stay so warm in this environment?"

Clark smiled warmly at the 50s style teen, "Simple, I call upon the energy of my spirit animal and I feel the fur growing on my body, insulatiing me with warmth."

Billy smiled at him, "Gee, what do you think my spirit animal is?"

Clark shook his head, "One does not pick a spirit animal, Billy. When I was young, the tribal elders took me on a vision quest so I could find my spirit animal. I listened to the spirits and they told me that my spirit animal is the raccoon. Ever since then, I've kind of gotten obsessed with them. The medicine man on my tribe performed many rituals on me to strengthen my connection with nature, that's why I can calm even the most viscous beasts."

**BILLY (CC):** Gee whiz, Clark sure is smart, I think I can learn lots from him!

**CLARK (CC):** I like it when Billy says golly, it reminds me of Gadget Hackwrench.

**FRED (CC):** WHAT A BUNCH OF WHINY, GIRLY MAGGOTS! THEY SHOULD ALL WEAR DRESSES AND STAY IN THE KITCHEN!

Meanwhile, the Burning Birds boys have just entered their cabin and it is literally a sauna in there. The entire room is foggy with steam as Philip sits down and unpacks his things.

Adam walked in and sat down next to Philip, "Look on the bright side, Phil. I reckon this place would make an excellent nebulizer."

Philip sighed and took a breath from his inhaler, "Catching a cold in the least of my worries with Smokey the punk on our team. I think we should kick him off the first chance we get, nothing good can come of cigarettes."

Suddenly, Theo entered the sauna with sweat pouring down his face, "Thine place is as hot as a dragon's lair. Ye armor may rust soon."

Suddenly Ollie barged in the door and shoved Theo out of the way, "Move it, ya oversized Tin Can!"

The punk-looking teen lit up a cigarette and started hacking his lungs out. Philip folded his arms, "Doesn't that make you feel just the smallest bit ill?"

Ollie smirked at Philip, "You're just a pansy because you can't smoke like I can. See this stick? It's too hot for you to handle but I'm more than happy to share the vapors!"

**ADAM (CC):** Ollie is disgustin. I reckon one day he'll keel over dead with a cigarette in his fingers.

**PHILIP (CC):** I seriously hope our team loses so I can vote that smoke factory off.

**OLLIE (CC):** If you can't handle the smoke, you might as well stay home and cry like a bitch.

Meanwhile, the Burning Birds girls were sitting on the bunk beds of their cabin. Olga smiled warmly as she lay about in total relaxation. Luna glared at the cavegirl, "What are you so calm for? It's as hot as a furnace in here! I can't cook up my spells in this kind of heat, you know."

Olga smiled to herself, "Olga like it here. Remind her of home in jungle. Very humid, so used to temperature."

Yumi squirted herself in the face with her flower to cool herself off. Janessa groaned a little, "This heat is the dragsville, yo. I'm gonna go look for a coffee shop and get myself an ice cold latte. You guys can't come cause only cool cats are allowed, ya dig?"

Luna rolled her eyes, "There isn't a coffee shop around for miles, you could always make coffee out of elk poop, you know. Personally, I like my coffee brewed with toadstool fungus."

"Elk poop?" Janessa raised an eyebrow, "Nasty, yo. Don't tell me that. I'm gonna go pactice my slam, ya dig? Summer camp is dragsville..."

**JANESSA (CC):** Man, can't believe I'm stuck with a bunch of mainstream sheep.

**OLGA (CC):** Olga have strange roommates but seem to get along well but Olga think Ollie gross, glad he on boy's side cabin.

**LUNA (CC):** If any of my teammates step out of line, I WILL put a curse on them and their little dogs, too!

Chris' voice came across the loudspeaker, "Campers, repeat to the mess hall immediately. Your first challenge starts in 15 minutes. Are you a little thirsty? Cause I got some refreshments for you!"

All 16 campers arrived at the mess hall and sat down. On both tables sat 8 six packs of Coke.

"Our challenge is to...drink soda?" Philip raised an eyebrow.

Chris frowned, "It's only the first part of the challenge. Recently, I came across an internet article about this woman who died from drinking too much and holding in for a Wii, so I figured with a danger level that high, why not make it into a challenge? Each of you will gulp down an entire six pack of soda. Chef will then lead you to the outdoor amphitheater where you will all watch a documentary on spring water and Niagara Falls while fans blow on you at full blast. The last contestant standing wins immunity for their team. Any questions?"

Adam raised his hand, "Uhhhhh...mah kin won't let me have soda. Type 1 diabetic. Can I git water instead?"

Chris groaned and folded his arms, "Oh, all right. Chef, fetch the hillbilly 6 bottles of spring water."

**BILLY (CC):** Gee whiz, this challenge sure sounds swell. It reminds me of the times Peggy Sue and I drank out of the soda fountain at the diner back at home.

**CHELSEA (CC):** IThinkICanTotallyPullOffThisChallengeOneTimeIDidAStakeoutAtTomCruisesHouseForAWholeWeekAfterDrinkingTwoGallonsOfEnergyDrinkAndIDidNotPeeASingleDrop.

Clark stared clapping his paws together and singing:

Come along, you belong

Feel the fizz of coo coo cola

Mary gasped with delight, "You're a fan of Chip N Dale Rescue Rangers, too?"

Clark nodded, "Watched the show constantly as a kid, Gadget was my first cartoon crush."

Mary grinned, "Is that so? Dale was MY first cartoon crush. He reminded me so much of myself as a kid, messy room, horror comics, staying up late. I even wrote a love song to him as a kid but all my classmates laughed at me for it."

Brittany raised an eyebrow, "Excuse me but...cartoon crushes? You two are a couple of losers if you actually had romantic feelings about cartoon characters. ESPECIALLY cartoon animals. They aren't real, they're just animated ink and paint. Why don't you go out and get real lovers?"

Mary crackled her knuckles and turned to face Brittany, "Ya know, lady, if your baby wasn't with you, I'd knock your teeth clean out of your face."

Brittany folded her arms, "Go ahead and punch me, you blue-haired punk rock lesbo."

Mary rolled her eyes, "For starters, I'm a metalhead not a punk rocker. Also, I'm straight, just because I wear black leather doesn't make me a lesbian."

"Ooooooh, cat fight!" Ollie blurted out loud, laughing before going into a hacking fit.

**BRITTANY (CC):** If I didn't have my baby with me, I would kick that punk bitch's ass!

**MARY (CC):** Brittany disgusts me. When this whole game is over, I'm calling CPS on her.

Tanner gets in between Mary and Brittany, "All right you two, break it up. I only carry so much gauze with me so I can't have the two of you at each other's throats."

Clark nodded, "Tanner is right, we need to focus on the challenge."

"Love thy neighbor...or in this case love thy roommate." Ether agreed.

**ETHER (CC):** Everyone on my team except for Billy pisses me off. Once I get to the merge, I will beat the bible into every last one of them if I have to!

**CLARK (CC):** A challenge where we have to drink a six pack and hold our bladder while watching a documentary on a waterfall? I can feel my spirit animal already marking his territory!

Luna turned to Philip, "This Niagara Falls...it isn't made up of holy water is it?"

Philip shook his head, "I sincerely doubt it was blessed by a priest, Luna. As far as I'm concerned, it's perfectly natural. And besides, we're only watching a documentary. It's not like we're going to the actual place."

Janessa rolled her eyes, "Why does is have to be dragsville mainstream Coca Cola? I'm not a commercialism sheeple person, yo. Chris, can you hook me up with some latte?"

Chris folded his arms, "No can do, you'll have to go with soda."

Janessa folded her arms, "But...Adam gets water, so why can't I get my coffee?"

"Because we have extra bottled water on hand, no extra iced latte. Deal with it, Janessa." Chris replied as Chef handed him an ice coffee and he took a sip of it.

And so, the 16 contestants sat down at the table and they all got down to drinking their sodas. Ollie quickly sucked down an entire soda and hacked a coke and tobacco filled loogie on Janessa's face as the beatnik sat across from him. Janessa simply glared at him in disgust as she sipped her soda. Theo lifted the visor on his helmet as he gulped his Coke down while Olga tried smashing her cans with a rock and licked the pooling soda off the surface of the table. Philip calmly drank his cans while Adam gulped down his water. Yumi opened her soda up and poured it all over her head, laughing goofily while Luna cackled evilly and pretended her soda was a magic elixir.

Meanwhile, at the Frosty Ferrets' table, everyone was about to drink before Ether interrupted them, "Wait a minute! Shouldn't we all say grace and thank the lord Jesus Christ for this good meal?"

Mary rolled her eyes, "Seriously? I wouldn't call a six pack of sodas a meal. Besides, this isn't Thanksgiving Dinner." The blue haired rocker girl chugged her soda and let out a loud belch.

Fred folded his arms, "SO YOU THINK A WOMAN LIKE YOU CAN OUTBELCH A MAN LIKE ME, HUH?!" The soldier guzzled his soda and let out a real loud belch.

"Bring it on, jarhead. I'll outbelch you any day of the week!" Mary challenged, grabbing another soda and chugging it. Clark, Tanner, Ether and Billy all gingerly sipped their sodas as they watch Mary and Fred's burping contest.

**ETHER (CC):** Mary is a hellspawn and probably a lesbian as well. I can't wait for Jesus to cleanse that bitch off the face of the Earth. Judgement Day won't be so kind to THAT swine.

**BILLY (CC):** *sigh* It's too bad it isn't rootbeer. I could really go for a rootbeer float right about now...

Chelsea was busy gulping her sodas like no tomorrow, hopping up and down in her seat like a jackrabbit on speed, "OhYesOhYesOhYesThisIsGoodReallyReallyGoodItRemindsMeOfTheTimeISlippedSleepingPillsInJustinTimberlakesDrinkAndPulledHisPantsDownAndSnappedABunchOfPhotosOfHisDingDong!"

**CHELSEA (CC):** IReallyReallyNeedToUpdateMyNudeCelebritiesBlogWithThoseTimberlakePictures.

Brittany shared her soda with her baby, Robby and Tanner raised an eyebrow at her. Brittany shot the teen doctor a glare, "What are you staring at? It's not like I'm giving him alcohol!"

In about 25 minutes, all 16 campers had gulped down their sodas and they all followed Chris and Chef to the outdoor amphitheater and sat in the stands. Chris turned to face them, "Ladies and gentlemen, the Chris Maclean theater would like to proudly present "National Geographic's Niagara Falls". Just sit back, relax and try not to pee your pants! Chef, are you ready?"

Janessa rolled her eyes and instantly exited the amphitheater, "National Geographic? Television for squares and librarians, yo. Mainstream school programming. Lamesville, dog..."

Chris shrugged, "Looks like Janessa's out. Everyone else, enjoy the show."

Chris clicked the remote and the movie began to start. A female narrator spoke, "Niagara Falls is one of the greatest wonder of the world. Sitting on the border of New York and Ontario, this famous landmark boasts three tremendous waterfalls: The Horseshoe, the American and the Bridal Veil..."

About 10 minutes into the documentary Billy hopped up, "Gee whiz, I really gotta whiz! I'm so sorry, everyone!"

The 50s style teen got up and jogged over to some bushes. "And Billy is out!"

Olga took a deep breath and shook her head, "Olga can no hold in longer. Must go peepee or explode."

The cavegirl exited the amphitheater as Chris announced, "Olga is out."

Theo suddenly felt a dampness in the crotch area of his armor, "I...think I just rusted thine armor."

"And Theo is out!"

**THEO (CC):** Thine heart is noble and strong but thy bladder is weak.

Yumi suddenly got up and jogged out of the amphitheater to squat behind a bush.

"And Yumi is out!" Chris announced.

**PHILIP (CC):** This is not good. Half of our team is down. I'll have to step up my game and hold in it as long as I can.

Adam, Brittany, Chelsea, Clark, Ether, Fred, Luna, Mary, Philip, Ollie and Tanner were now left. 20 minutes passed and Chris turned his remote to Level 2. Suddenly, fans shot up out of the ground and started blowing on the contestants full blast. Brittany got up, "My baby and I both have to pee. Mothers' instincts, you know."

Brittany got up and love as Chris announced, "Brittany is out!"

Clark whimpered as he tucked his raccoon tail between his legs, "I uh...think I gotta go mark my territory now. Sorry guys!"

The Native American made a mad dash from the bleachers to the bushes as Chris announced, "Clark is out!"

Luna got up, "I KNEW I shouldn't have drank all that toadstool tea before the challenge."

Fred stood up, "THERE COMES A TIME IN A SOLDIER'S LIFE WHERE HE MUST TAKE A WHIZ AND NOW IS THAT TIME!"

Luna and Fred made a mad dash for the bushes as Chris announced, "Luna and Fred are out!"

Adam, Chelsea, Ether, Mary, Ollie, Philip and Tanner now remained on the bleachers. 20 more minutes passed and it was 40 minutes into the documentary at this point. Chris cranked the remote button to level 3 and shower heads sprouted from the fans and began spraying water on the 7 remaining contestants.

Tanner got up, "I gotta go. You know, for the sake of my health."

Adam got up as well, "Ah agree. Ah feel like Ah'm about to burst."

The doctor and redneck got up and left the bleachers to go behind some bushes.

"Tanner and Adam are out!"

A few minutes passed and Ether got up, "I can't take it anymore. Oh well, I guess Jesus still loves me."

Ether got up and made a mad dash out of the bleachers and Mary got up as well, "Even I know when I'm beat. Chelsea, I'm counting on you."

**CHELSEA (CC):** ImPrettyConfidentICanWinThisChallengeLikeISaidBeforeICanHoldMyBladderForASuperLongTime.

Mary got up and left as Chris announced, "Mary is out!"

Chelsea, Ollie and Philip now sat in the bleachers. Chris smirked as he turned the dial to 4. Suddenly, a loud rumbling was heard and a huge waterfall poured down the bleachers, drenching the 3 campers and extinguishing Ollie's lit cigarette, "WHAT? It put my light out. DAMMIT! Screw this, I'm outta here!"

"And Ollie is out!" Chris announced as the smoker got up and left.

Chelsea and Philip now stood in the bleachers. 10 more minutes passed before Philip slowly stood up, "I..."

There was a long silence as Philip had literally peed his pants. He buried his face in his hands and stormed off sobbing.

"CHELSEA WINS IMMUNITY FOR THE FROSTY FERRETS!" Chris shouted. The albino girl stood up and hopped up and down excitedly as all the contestants got up from the bushes and gathered at the amphitheater stage. Tanner, Mary, Clark, Ether, Fred, Brittany and Billy all cheered as they carried Chelsea all the way back to their cabin.

**CLARK (CC):** We won our first challenge and none of us are going home tonight! I think I'll celebrate by working on my fursuit.

**BRITTANY (CC):** I hope Luna is the first to go. How dare she threaten to eat my baby!

**ROBBY (CC):** *giggles happily and claps his hands*

**BILLY (CC):** I hope Peggy Sue and mom and pop are watching this back at home.

**CHELSEA (CC):** YayIWonMyTeamImmunity!

Chris turned to the Burning Birds, "Burning Birds, looks like you're all burned out. One of you will be blasted off tonight."

Philip raised an eyebrow, "Blasted off?"

"You'll see soon enough." Chris smirked.

Later, the Burning Birds were all gathered at their table in the mess hall. There was a long silence before Olga spoke up, "So who we vote off?"

Luna crossed her arms, "Janessa is pretty useless. I'd like to turn her into a cricket, feed her to a baby and then eat the baby."

Philip blinked a few times, "Why are you so obsessed with eating babies?"

Luna shrugged, "It's what us witches do, especially witches that live in candy houses. MWEEHEEHEE!"

Janessa rolled her eyes and played slam poetry her bongo drums, "Mainstream witches. Eat babies. Uncool, daddy-o."

"I say we vote off Ollie, that smoking habit of his is disgusting." Philip replied.

Ollie glared at Philip, "Why me? You're an asthmatic wuss who can't handle cigarette smoke plus you wet your pants and cried like a baby. You should be first to go."

"Olga agree with Philip. Puff puff man smell bad." The cavegirl replied, petting her monkey Eep Eep on the head.

Theo looked around himself, "So, hath thou all settled on who to vote off tonight?" Everyone nodded, "Then let us maketh haste and vote thy first person off!"

Next chapter, the elimination ceremony!


	3. Hold Your Wee For Immunity Part 3

The 8 Burning Birds all sat on stumps at the campfire ceremony. Chris stood in front of them with a plate that has 7 marshmallows on it, "Campers...let me tell you what this is all about. These marshmallows represent life in this game and as you can see, there are only 7 marshmallows on this plate and 8 of you here. If I call your name, you come up, grab a marshmallow and stay another day. The contestant who does not receive a marshmallow must walk down to the Launchpad Of Shame and board the Rocket Of Losers and you can't come back. Ever. Any questions?"

Olga raised her hand, "Where rocket take us?"

"When you get launched in the rocket, it is GPSsed to go to this place known as the Playa. At the Playa, you can finally relax from all the torture you've endured on the island. Upon landing, the rocket may or may not explode. I had a few interns test them and they kind of came out extra crispy."

Philip blinked, "So, we could potentially die if we are eliminated?"

Chris shrugged, "Maybe. Anyway, back to the ceremony. The first contestant who is safe is...Theo."

The knight jogged up and skewered his marshmallow on his joust.

"Olga"

The cave girl walked up, grabbed her marshmallow and fed it to her monkey.

"Yumi"

The clown got up, grabbed her marshmallow and snorted it up her nose.

"Adam"

The redneck inventor got up and claimed his marshmallow.

"Luna"

The witch got up and claimed her marshmallow, "I'm still in the game, my pretties! Mweeheeheeheehee!"

"Janessa"

The beatnik got up and grabbed her marshmallow.

Ollie and Philip sat on their stumps. Philip stared nervously at the single marshmallow while Ollie took a nice, long drag of his cigarette, "Nice knowing ya, inhaler-boy."

"The final marshmallow goes to..."

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

"Philip"

Philip gasped with joy. Ollie just stood there, his cigarette falling out of his mouth as if in slow motion, "But...how does he stay? Why am I the first to go?"

"Ye calleth me a tin can and thou smoked too much." Theo replied, crossing his arms.

Philip nodded, "When I got back to the cabin, my pillow was covered in cigarette buts. You used my bed as an ashtray."

Olga nodded in agreement, "Yeah, Ollie smell weird, make Olga's eyes water and Eep Eep feel sick."

"You spit tobacco in my face, dawg. Not cool, daddy-o." Janessa replied with a satisfied smirk.

Yumi made a disgusted face and stuck her tongue out.

Ollie growled and angrily threw his pack of cigarettes at Chris, "You're all a bunch of WIMPS who can't handle second hand smoke. Heck, you probably cry like pussies if you have to sit near the smoking section of a restaurant. I'm outta here. This Playa place better have some smokes for me when I get there..."

The punk teen marched down the Launchpad Of Shame and entered the Rocket Of Losers. Chef lit the fuse and the rocket blasted off the the playa. Ollie was the first one eliminated and without his smoking, Philip knew he could breathe easier.

**PHILIP (CC):** The air on the island smells 100% better now that Ollie is gone.

**MARY (CC):** Stupid punk never gave me back my KISS lighter. If I get voted off at some point, he'd better give it back to me at the Playa.

Later that night, Adam walked up to the mens side of the Frosty Ferrets cabin, "Clark, ya awake?"

Clark came out and opened the cabin door. He was dressed in a Halloween costume of Rigby from Regular Show as pyjamas, "Oh, hello Adam...is there something you wish to ask me?"

Adam sighed and looked down, "Ya know, I'm real sorry bout offendin' you with that cap of mine. I put it away and from now on, I'll be wearin a straw hat."

Clark chuckled a bit and shook his head, "No, Adam. It is I that should be sorry for attacking you. You had no idea how serious my spiritual connection to raccoons was."

Adam chuckled a bit, "So, I heard you're really into that...furry fandom. Is that what they call it?"

Clark nodded, "I am indeed a furry though I do overlap with otherkin as well."

Adam smiled at Clark and reached into his pocket, pulling out a charm that had a fox on it, "Mah grandmaw was really into foxes herself. One time her life was saved by a fox and ever since then, she said that foxes are signs of good luck in our family. You kin keep this for good luck. Think of it as a present of friendly rivalry."

Clark shook his head, "No. You keep it. All of us have an animal deep within ourselves, the worst thing you can do is give yours away. You don't have to accept it but it will always be a part of you. If you ever feel lost and interested in spirit guides, I'm the one to talk to as long as I'm on this island."

Adam smiled and shook Clark's paw, "Thanks. I reckon I'll be seein you sometime soon, buddy. Good night, Clark."

Clark smiled back, "Good night, Adam."

**CLARK (CC):** Adam means well, he just needs to find peace with nature.

The Native American teen retired back to the icy cabin and snuggled close to his Sly Cooper doll while Adam returned to the steamy sauna of the Burning Birds' cabin.

Philip woke up and rubbed his eyes, "Hey Adam, I'd like to make a deal with you. Exactly how rich are you?"

Adam smiled, "Even though I live on a farm, mah folks are pretty rich, we just struck oil but we prefer to be modest bout our money."

A smile crept across Philip's face, "Well, in that case, I have a deal for you. Every time our team is up for elimination, you will have to give me 100 dollars if you want to stay in the game. It's the only way I won't convince the others to vote you off."

"Gee, I dunno..." Adam rubbed his chin.

Philip walked up to Adam and put his hand on his shoulder, "Come on, the money will go to a good cause, I promise. And by accepting this deal, it'll be a win-win situation. As long as I'm here, you'll make it to the merge no problem while I'll be investing that money in making a certain someone happy. So, what do you say? Deal?"

Adam smiled and shook Philip's hand in agreement, "Ya drive yerself a hard bargain."

**ADAM (CC):** I'm pretty sure I can trust Philip, he seems like he knows what he's talking about.

**PHILIP (CC):** It's all part of strategy. I need some source of income in case I got eliminated and miss out on the mil. That close brush with being the first to go just motivated me to do so.

Meanwhile, Chris was on the docks, facing the viewer, "Looks like Ollie has been smoked out and everyone lost control of their bladder. Stay tuned for the next episode of Total Drama Fire And Ice!

**Eliminated so far:** Ollie

So what do you think of the first elimination and who do you think will go next?


	4. Fire On High Part 1

**NOTE:** _I have just changed Clark's label to "The Otherkin Furry Fan" because it made more sense than "The Spiritual Furry Fandom Geek". Also, I need to think of a better label name to describe Ether. PM me for a good label name suggestion._

Chris stood on the docks and stared at the viewers, "Last time on Total Drama Fire And Ice, we got to meet 16 new competitors and just like Philip said, things looked more like a Halloween party than a reality show. Teams were assigned by being bitten by a ferret or pecked by a hawk and the teens had to hold their bladder while watching a National Geographic documentary on Niagara Falls. Chelsea won immunity for the ferrets and the birds lost. In the end, Ollie was smoked out and the first one blasting off on the Rocket Of Losers. What will happen next? Can the contestants take the heat? Find out, only on Total Drama Fire And Ice!"

*I wanna be famous theme song plays*

Mary and Clark were walking through the woods together when they noticed a picnic table and sat down at it together. The blue-haired rocker spoke up, "So, what do you think of the island so far?"

Clark rubbed his chin in thought, "The first challenge was pretty intense but I don't think things will be easier from here on out. We should be prepared for whatever Chris throws at us. By the way, did Ollie give you back your lighter before he was kicked off?"

Mary shook her head, "No, the idiot kept it. I feel so stupid for letting him borrow it, I should've known he'd be the first one kicked off with that disgusting habit of his."

Clark raised an eyebrow, "Isn't that a little hypocritical, considering that you own that lighter and all?"

Mary folded her arms, "Well, I don't smoke tobacco but when I have a real rough day, I smoke some marijuana to calm me down."

Clark nodded in understanding, "What Ollie did with tobacco was very disrespectful. I think tobacco should be reserved for Native American rituals, not chain smoking."

Mary nodded, "By the way, could you tell me more about this whole furry thing you're into?"

"Well, it's complicated. No two furries can agree on what the true meanings is. Basically, I think it's someone who is a fan of cartoon animals who expresses their love through art, writing and costumes. I'm a bit of a hybrid, I'm a typical furry fan but I'm also an otherkin. Otherkin feel like they have souls of animals. I may have the body and mind of a human, but I feel like I was born with the soul of a raccoon so I'm not 100% human." Clark explained.

Mary looked blown away, "Wow, so you actually believe you have the soul of an animal? That's pretty wicked-sweet. I never really thought about that stuff too deeply but I guess it would be cool to be something other than human for a day."

**MARY (CC):** The more I hang out with Clark, the cooler and cooler he gets. I think I may have a little crush on him. He looks like a big, warm, cuddly teddy bear and he's so mysterious at the same time...

**CLARK (CC):** Mary is a very strong and interesting girl. I wonder what her music sounds like...maybe we should form an alliance.

Meanwhile, at the Burning Birds girls' cabin. Olga was sitting on her bed with Eep Eep in her lap, picking insects out of her pet monkey's hair and eating them as if they were snacks.

Janessa cringed a little, "Seriously, Olga? You are one whacked out puppy, yo. What kind of square eats bugs off monkeys?"

Olga raised an eyebrow, "Me square? Olga not block, Olga human. Eep Eep Monkey. Chris Host. Clark Raccoon. No one square here, except this box." The cavegirl pointed to a conveniently located cardboard box which Luna's cat Midnight was sleeping in.

Janessa rolled her eyes as Luna hopped off the top bunk, walked up to the beatnik and licked her face. Janessa cringed and glared at Luna, "What the heck, yo?"

Luna folded her arms, "You have the distinct flavor of Mocha to you. A little crushed oleander and frog warts would make you taste passable."

"Cannibal square, yo. Uncool. Imma go outside and practice my slam, ya dig? I'll be back in an hour." Janessa replied as she got up and left.

Yumi got up, pulled a unicycle out of her pocket and started riding it around the steam-filled cabin. She then pulled a banana out of her pocket and ate it, tossing the banana peel on the floor and slipping on it. The clown girl burst into idiotic laughter as she fell flat on her butt.

Luna folded her arms, "Clowns taste too much like cake. I'll pass on her."

**LUNA (CC):** Why on Earth aren't teens delicious like babies or elementary schoolers? About the only teen here that looks tasty to me is Billy. He looks like a delicious morsel. I wonder if he tastes like American Cheese or fast food...you are what you eat!

**OLGA (CC):** Why Luna eat people? Dinosaur taste better, especially dinosaur egg. Me find dino egg, smash with rock, tasty nutrients inside.

**YUMI (CC):** *honks her horn*

Meanwhile, on the boys' side of the Burning Birds cabin, Philip, Adam and Theo were all playing with a deck of poker cards.

Theo grins as he looks at his hand, "I hath thine queen, king, jack, an ace and 10 of diamonds. Where art thou princes and princesses. Are they hiding in thine deck somewhere?"

"The term for the hand you're holding is a royal flush." Philip explained, raising an eyebrow, "And there are no princes and princesses in poker, just jacks, queens and kings."

Theo shook his head, "Then thy king and queen musn't hath made children yet or there shalt be a Prince and Princess of Diamonds."

Philip facepalmed, "Yeah...that's it...the just haven't had children yet."

"A vow a chastity, perhaps?" Theo asked, examining his cards.

Adam shrugged, "Beats me. Weird thing bout poker is there's no Joker of spades, hearts, diamonds or clubs. There's just the joker, almost as if he's too special for his own suit."

Theo looked up to the heavens, "Then thy Joker is thine God of thine Poker Kingdom..."

**THEO (CC):** If thine Joker wants thy chastity, so be it.

**PHILIP (CC):** Joker? God of the Poker Kingdom? Is this guy seriously for real?

Meanwhile, a loud baby's crying echoed through the air as Brittany tried her best to quiet her baby and rock it to sleep but Robby still kept on crying loudly. Chelsea and Ether put their pillows over their ears to drown out the noise.

**ETHER (CC):** That stupid slut is lucky her baby didn't freeze to death in here. She'd better have it baptized unless she wants her baby to grow up to be a homosexual and burn in hell with all that faggot scum. Jesus does not tolerate gays.

Brittany took off her bra and instantly, her baby started sucking on her breast, "He was just thirsty."

Chelsea rolled her eyes, "YouKnowYourBabyKeptUsAwakeAllNightLongWithHisCryingMaryWasSmartToGoSleepInTheWoods."

Brittany glared at Chelsea, "Mary? That butch punk has the nerve to practice her guitar in here while a baby is in the room. She has no consideration for others AT ALL!"

Chelsea rolled her albino red eyes again, "MaybeMaryIsRightAndYouShouldntHaveBroughtYourBabyHereInTheFirstPlace."

Ether nodded, "You could've always dropped him off at a church, the nuns could take good care of him."

Brittany rolled her eyes, "Robby needs MY breast milk, I doubt those nuns could lactate even if they wanted!"

**BRITTANY (CC):** How dare my teammates accuse me of being a bad mother! I love my baby boy with all my heart and I feed and take care of him. Maybe THEY should try getting pregnant and dropping out of high school to see what it feels like!

**ROBBY (CC):** *gurgles and sucks his thumb*

Meanwhile, Fred had just recently shoved Tanner out of the boys side of the Frosty Ferrets' cabin, "STOP STICKING UP FOR HIM, YOU'RE NOT HIS MOMMY SO START ACTING LIKE A REAL MAN!"

The soldier slammed the door shut and locked it behind him. Fred turned and glared at Billy, "ALL RIGHT, YOU RETRO PIECE OF TOILET PAPER, YOU WILL DO 90 PULL-UPS WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT, UNDERSTOOD?"

"Yes, Fred..." Billy whimpered softly.

"CALL ME SIR, DON'T CALL ME FRED, YOU TOILET-LICKING FLOWER SNAIL. I WILL MAKE A MACHO MAN OUT OF YOU WHEN YOU ARE DONE!" Fred shouted angrily, practically spitting in poor Billy's face.

**BILLY (CC):** Jeepers, Fred isn't fooling around with this whole military training thing.

**TANNER (CC):** Fred is a bully who uses his military training as a poor excuse to pick on others. He seriously needs to stop.

**FRED (CC):** MEN ARE BORN TO BE MASCULINE. MEN ARE BORN TO BE STRONG. MEN ARE BORN TO HUNT AND FISH AND SING LOUD MILITARY SONGS. THAT IS WHAT A REAL MAN IS!

Meanwhile, Mary and Clark jogged up to see Tanner pulling on the door to the cabin. "What happened?" Mary asked.

"Fred forced me out of the door and he's locked me out while he's forcing Billy to do military exercises against his will." Tanner explained.

"Just leave this to me." Clark spoke, removing his right paw glove and retracting a claw from his right index finger. The large teen walked up to the door and stuck his claw into the lock, picking it successfully, "There, problem solved."

Tanner and Mary stared in awe as Clark retracted his claw and put his glove back on.

**CLARK (CC):** Raccoons are so clever. I feel so blessed to have such a crafty spirit animal.

**MARY (CC):** Did Clark just pick a lock with his FINGERNAIL? That is just way too cool!

**TANNER (CC):** How in the heck did he do that? Maybe I need to go to bed earlier. Then again, Fred and Brittany's baby kept me up all night. Seriously, Fred even sings military cadences in his SLEEP. Man, my roommates are weird.

Clark opened the door, went inside and pulled Fred out of the cabin physically, "So, what makes you think it's okay to bully others?"

"I WASN'T BULLYING HIM, WEIRD RACCOON BOY, I WAS MAKING HIM INTO A MAN. BY THE WAY, WHAT'S WITH THAT DOLL OF YOURS? ONLY GIRLS SLEEP WITH STUFFED ANIMALS!" Fred shouted.

Suddenly, Chris' voice came across the loudspeaker, "All campers report to the mess hall for breakfast. When you're all done eating, I'll brief you on your challenge. From here on out, things will be heating up!"

Tanner raised an eyebrow, "Heating up? I'd better not ask."

The 15 campers filed into the mess hall and Olga looked around the table at her teammates, "Okay. We may lose last time but we strong without Ollie. Olga think we can win this time. We do teamwork, all right?" The cavegirl asked.

Janessa groaned, "If you say so..."

Luna was cackling evilly as she dropped a bunch of dead insects and a decapitated frog into Chef Hatchet's soup, "Double double toil and trouble, fire burn and cauldron bubble!"

Philip raised an eyebrow, "Seriously, did you just put a headless frog into your soup?"

"The frog was once a boy! A friendly little boy who loved playing sports! Mweeheeheeheehee!" Luna cackled insanely.

Yumi pulled out a balloon, blew it up, twisted it into the shape of a swan and let it float in her soup.

**CHEF HATCHET (CC):** Campers just never respect my cooking, do they?

**LUNA (CC):** Chef should really take some cooking advice from a witch.

Theo and Adam casually sipped their soup as Janessa broke out her bongo dums and started playing them, "Sheeple. Are people too. Just walking stereotypes."

Philip rolled his eyes at Janessa, "Hypocrite."

Meanwhile, at the other table, Tanner was refusing to drink his soup, "This stuff seriously qualifies as food?"

Fred glared at him, "IT IS MILITARY FOOD, YOU NERDY PHARMACY PANSY, JUST SHUT UP AND EAT IT!"

Meanwhile, Chelsea and gotten up from the table and walked over to Billy who was quietly sipping his soup and tapped him on the shoulder, "HeyBillyWannaSeeSomeRealNeatoStuffOnMyCamera?"

Billy shrugged, "Okay."

Chelsea clicked on a file labelled porn and up came dozens of pictures of naked celebrities. Billy's jaw dropped and his eyes went wide, "Jeepers! They're all naked!"

"NakedAndFamous!" Chelsea giggled with delight, hopping up and down excitedly.

"Golly gee whiz gee whillikers, I hear a lot of kids my age talking about this porn this. So, is this what porn is?" Billy asked innocently.

Tanner got up from the table and walked up to Chelsea and Billy, "Seriously, Chelsea? You brought porn with you on the island?"

Chelsea giggled nervously, "YeahIDidAndHeSawAllTheNakednessOfMyPornFolderTooTeeHee!"

"Golly...when I was a kid, the only naked people I saw was myself in the bathroom taking a bath." Billy gasped, "I didn't know people got naked in bedrooms."

**TANNER (CC):** Why is Chelsea showing Billy nude celebrity pics in the first place?

**BILLY (CC):** Gee whiz, it now makes so much more sense to me...

**CHELSEA (CC):** PhotographingAndSpyingOnNakedPeopleIsATrulyUnderappreaciatedFormOfArt.

Suddenly, a loud farting noise was heard and the stench of baby diarrhea filled the air. All eyes turned to Brittany who was undoing her baby's diaper. Instantly, Brittany let out a loud squeal of terror and chucked the dirty diaper in Mary's general direction. Instantly, Brittany turned to Tanner, "You! Got any diapers! You're a doctor, right? MY BABY NEEDS CHANGING!"

SLAP! The dirty diaper had hit Mary directly in the face. Slowly, the rockstar pulled the diaper from her face. Her face was covered with baby urine and diarrhea and she had the most furious look. Instantly, Mary lunged at Brittany, tacking her to the ground and pulling her hair, "YOU STUPID SLUT! YOU JUST COULDN'T LEAVE YOUR FREAKING BABY AT HOME, COULD YOU?!"

Brittany screamed as she struggled to fight back, thrashing about as Mary pulled her hair, "HOW DARE YOU ATTACK ME IN FRONT OF MY BABY!"

"You THREW a DIRTY F**KING DIAPER IN MY FACE! I HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO VOTE A BITCH LIKE YOU OFF IF WE LOSE THIS CHALLENGE!" Mary screamed as she throttled the teen mother, "YOU'RE NOT ONLY A TERRIBLE MOTHER BUT YOU'RE ALSO A DISGUSTING HYPOCRITE AS WELL!"

Instantly, Clark pulled Mary off Brittany, and started rubbing her arm, making a soothing murring noise, calming her a little, "Let's go to the showers and get you cleaned up. All right, Mary?"

Mary nodded angrily as she glared at Brittany, "Your days are numbered, you obnoxious whore..."

Everyone stared in complete shock as Clark led Mary out of the mess hall. The furry turned to the other campers, "If Chris shows up, tell him that Mary and I are getting cleaned up in the communal washroom and we'll be joining the challenge shortly."

Tanner nodded, "All right, will do."

**BRITTANY (CC):** Mary. Is. So. DEAD!

**MARY (CC):** That clinches it. I am calling Child Protective Services on Brittany.

Clark and Mary were walking towards the communal washroom, talking. Mary was ranting angrily, "I can't believe Brittany just did that. If she can't change her baby's diaper she is NOT cut out for parenthood."

Clark nodded, "If you ask me, she should've put her baby in the adoption system if she couldn't care for it."

Mary nodded and grumbled a bit, "Stupid bitch threw a dirty diaper on my face on purpose. She's probably one of those bitchy popular girls who just so happened to get knocked up and dropped out."

Clark nodded, "Fred is also pretty annoying as well. He shouts military cadences in his sleep and has no indoor voice. Plus, he's a complete bully."

Mary nodded, "Once those two are gone, our cabin will be much more peaceful in the morning. Too bad we can't vote both of them off at once. Oh well, at this point, I'm more focused on Brittany than Fred."

Clark nodded, "I agree, if we lose, I'm voting her off for the sake of her baby."

Mary stepped into the women's side of the restroom while Clark waited outside for her. About 10 minutes passed and Mary came out, her blue hair dripping wet, "All right. I'm ready. Let's hurry back to the mess hall before Chris disqualifies us or something."

Meanwhile, Chris just entered the mess hall and looked around, "Hey, does anyone know where that heavy metal chick and the raccoon kid went?"

"There was an incident and they went to clean up in the communal washroom." Ether replied.

Luna rolled her eyes, "The only way I would want to have children is so I could eat them."

Chris raised an eyebrow, "Riiiiight. Anyway, if they aren't back here in 5 minutes, both of them will be eliminated."

Suddenly, Clark and Mary burst through the door, gasping for breath. "Sorry we're late." Clark spoke up.

Chris looked around the mess hall at the 15 campers, "So, everyone's here? Good. Then follow me, we're all going camping in the woods and the marshmallows aren't the only thing that will be toasty!"

The 15 campers all filed out of the mess hall and followed Chris into the woods where the second challenge awaited them.

To be continued...

**NOTE:** _All right, I'm going on a week's vacation pretty soon so I probably won't be posting on this story for a few weeks. All right? Tell me what you think so far._


	5. Fire On High Part 2

The 15 campers all stood at a crossroads in the forst with Chris, "All right, campers. Listen up, you will be walking to opposite ends of the forest, pitching tents and camping overnight."

Adam shrugged, "Sounds easy enough, I reckon this will be a piece of cake."

"And that is only the first part of the challenge." Chris announced.

"Gee whiz, what's the second part?" Billy asked innocently.

"It's a surprise." Chris replied nonchalantly, "A very, very nasty one that will come when you least expect it"

Clark blinked, "So, you're basically telling us to stay on our toes?"

"That's the plan, if you want to come out unscathed." Chris replied, "All right, Burning Birds, you head to the western side of the forest and pitch this red tent. Frosty Ferrets, you head to the eastern side of the forest and pitch this blue tent. Any questions?"

Janessa raised her hand, "Man, do we gotta pitch tents? Can't we just stay in an air conditioned coffee shop and chill out, yo?"

"Uh...no...we won't." Chris replied swiftly.

Janessa hung her head, "Dragsville, man..."

"Anyway, here are your tents and compasses. Hope you all have a good night, okay?" And with that, the host dashed off back in the direction of camp and the two teams split up to differents parts of the forest.

The Frosty Ferrets took the path to the right and headed deep into the eastern forest. It wasn't long before Clark noticed a clearing and turned to the rest of the team, "This would be a good place to pitch our tent."

The other 7 agreed unanimously and Mary and Fred got to pitching the tent. Fred shot a glare at Mary and crossed his arms, "THIS IS A MAN'S WORK. WHY DOES A WOMAN HAVE TO HELP ME?"

Mary rolled her eyes at Fred, "Sorry for being born female. Fine, if you think you can pitch the tent on your own than be my guest, just don't come crying to me when it keeps on falling."

Meanwhile, Billy and Ether were sitting down next to each other and talking. Ether smiled at the 50s style boy, "So Billy, could you tell me a little about your home life."

"Well, I got a mom, a pop, a big sis and a big yellow lab. My mom stays home and cooks, my dad goes to work and smokes a pipe, my sis talks about cute boys a lot and I always go to baseball practice. I have a girlfriend back at home named Peggy Sue. She and I always hang out at the malt shop together. Would you like to see a picture of her?" Billy asked.

Ether smiled, "Of course I would!"

Billy reached into his pocket and pulled out a black and white photograph, "This is what she looks like. She and I always have a swell time at the malt shop, dancing to the jukebox."

Ether smiled at Billy and tapped his shoulder, "By the way, Billy. There's something I'd like to tell you about Clark."

Billy raised an eyebrow, "About Clark?"

Ether nodded, "Clark is a furry, Billy. Did you know that all furries are gay?"

Billy shook his head, "Gee whiz, I didn't know that."

Ether nodded, "And gay people are very bad people. I'm just giving you a friendly warning, Billy. Don't trust Clark too much because you never know when he'll sneak in bed with you, pull your pants down and touch your penis."

Billy blinked a few times, "Golly, are you sure about it?"

Ether nodded, "Being furry is the exact same thing as being gay. Gay people are also full of many diseases like AIDS so you're best off avoiding Clark like the plague, got it?"

"I...I got it." Billy stuttered nervously.

Ether patted Billy on the back, "Just concerned about your health. The last thing you need is a furry raping you.

**ETHER (CC):** Billy is the perfect person to form an alliance with. He follows me like a faithful lamb follows his shepherd. And when the time comes, I'll sacrifice him in the name of the Lord.

**BILLY (CC):** Jeepers! Could all of those things that Ether said about Clark be true? If so, I should be careful around him.

Meanwhile, Clark was helping Fred pitch the tent, wincing as Fred shouted his newest Sound Off cadence:  
I DON'T KNOW BUT I'VE BEEN TOLD  
A FOX JUST STOLD A FARTING FOLD

Clark blinked a few times and raised an eyebrow, "A farting fold?"

"JUST GET BACK TO WORK, SOLDIER AND DON'T ARGUE WITH YOUR SUPERIOR!" Fred shot back at the raccoon otherkin.

Clark rolled his eyes, "Fine. But I'm only helping you pitch this tent for the sake of the team. All right?"

**CLARK (CC):** I wonder what kind of militant planet Fred was born and raised on. Sound Off is practically a second language to him.

**FRED (CC):** HERE IS MY RIFLE, HERE IS MY GUN. THIS IS FOR FIGHTING AND THIS IS FOR FUN!

Meanwhile, Tanner and Chelsea were leaning against a tree and chatting with each other. Chelsea was showing Tanner a gallery of nude photos on her camera, "YouAreAnAspiringDoctorRightSoIBetYoullGetToSeeAllKindsOfNakedPeopleHeyDontYouThinkSomeMenWithOutieBellyButtonsLookLikeTheyHaveAnExtraWeeweeWhenTheyreNaked?

Tanner blinked a few times, "Why are you so obsessed with naked bodies? Are you interested in becoming a doctor, too?"

Chelsea shook her head, "NaaahIWouldHateToBeADoctorBecauseIHateToBeAroundSickPeopleImGermaphobicISimplySeeNudityAsArtAndWatchingPornGivesMeThisRealWeirdAdrenalineRushBecauseIKnowImTooYoungToWatchIt."

Tanner raised and eyebrow, "So, why do you like spying on celebrities?"

Chelsea shrugged, "TheAdrenalineRushJustLikeISaidYouHaventLivedTilYouBrokeIntoAFamousPersonsHouseAndFilmedThemNakedForMeNudeCelebritiesAreArtworkPlusICanSellThePicsOnEbayForAGoodChunkOfChange."

**TANNER (CC):** Chelsea is certainly...different than most girls I've met. I mean, she's al albino who spies on celebrities and drinks 35 energy drinks a day. She almost seems...pretty in her own way.

**CHELSEA (CC):** ImOneOfTheVeryFewFemalesArrestedForGoingToTheSupermarketAndTakingPicturesUpWomensSkirts!

Suddenly, Brittany walked up to Tanner and Chelsea, "Hey, I think I'm going to go collect some firewood."

Tanner looked at Brittany, "Would you like us to watch your baby for you?"

Brittany shook her head, "No, we'll be fine. I need him around in case he needs to be breastfed, you know."

"ICanFlashMyBoobiesAndLetYourBabySuckleOnMe." Chelsea offered.

Brittany rolled her eyes, "Thanks for the offer but I don't think my baby wants energy drink flavored breast milk."

Tanner and Chelsea exchanged confused looks and shrugged as Brittany wandered deep into the forest with her baby. She walked through the woods and it wasn't long until she came across a river. Raising Robby above her head, she threw him into the water and a loud splash was heard.

**BRITTANY (CC):** Finally, I'm so glad I took the trash out. Now I can go live the high life and party without that annoying little bedwetter.

Meanwhile, the Burning Birds were busy setting up their camp. Luna had unpacked her cauldron and was dropping a bunch of dead rats and fungus into it as she stirred it with her broom and cackled evilly.

Olga and Philip were unpacking the tent while Janessa sat under a tree and tapped on her bongo drums, "Camping. With sheeple. In a forest with no coffee shop in sight. Dragsville."

Philip took a deep breath of his inhaler and Olga gave him a concerned look, "Philip feeling okay? Don't push self too hard. Maybe Theo help instead?"

Philip shook his head, "No, no no. I'm fine. We can pitch the tent together. Theo and Adam can go off in search of firewood. Theo's a knight so he's pretty strong and Adam is familiar with the backwoods so they'll be fine."

Yumi sat next to Janessa, pulled a can of silly string out of her pocket, shook it up and sprayed it all over the beatnik. Janessa just rolled her eyes, "Mainstream clown, not a cool cat, yo..."

Meanwhile, Theo and Adam were walking through the forest. Theo unsheathed his sword and started chopping a tree, "This is how thou must chop wood, useth a good, honed blade."

Adam blinked a few times, pulled a handle out of his pocket and instantly, a large cleaver came out of the handle. Adam swung the cleaver and Theo watched in awe as the tree fell in a single swipe, "Now that's how ya chop a tree."

Theo gasped, "That waseth amazing! How did art thou cut thine tree in one clean swipeth?"

Adam shrugged modestly, "Well, Ah invented this here thing mahself. Found some old garbage in the scrapyard and gave it a little makeover. Makes a darn fine Swiss army knife."

Theo nodded, "Ah, so is thou a blacksmith?"

Adam smiled, "Ah guess in a way you can call me that. Anytime I find old materials, ah can work real magic with them."

Theo smiled, "With a blade that fine, we shalt hath a great supply of firewood."

**THEO (CC):** I sure hope Sir Adam teaches me thy blacksmith secrets.

**ADAM (CC):** Theo's a bit low-tech but ah'm sure I can teach him a few tricks.

And so, the inventor and knight got to cutting up the tree to make firewood. Meanwhile, Olga and Philip have successfully pitched the tent and Olga was taking a nap, cuddled close to her monkey, Eep Eep. Philip walked over to Luna who was stirring her cauldron, "What exactly are you cooking?"

"Dead rat and mushroom stew." Luna replied, "It's very healthy and an excellent source of protein. Mweeheeheehee!"

Yumi walked up to the cauldron, took a cartoonishly large spoon from her pocket and took a sip. Instantly, X's appeared on Yumi's eyes and she passed out. Philip looked down at the passed-out clown, "What's with her? The first time she arrived, she talked but now she's acting like a silent film star."

Luna shrugged, "Beats me. Maybe I put a curse on her while she slept. Mweeheeheehee!"

Philip rolled his eyes, "Exactly. You put a curse on her."

**PHILIP (CC):** Luna should seriously see a psychiatrist.

**LUNA (CC):** Fair is foul and foul is fair. Hover through fog and filthy air!

**YUMI (CC):** *vomits*

Pretty soon, the sun began setting and Mary and Clark sat outside of the Frosty Ferrets' tent, gazing up at the stars when Mary spoke up, "You know, sleeping outside like this in the wide open forest. It kinda reminds me of an episode of The Raccoons."

Clark gasped and turned to Mary, "You're a fan of that show, too?"

Mary nodded and broke her guitar and started playing it and singing:

When darkness falls, leaving shadows in the night  
Don't be afraid, wipe that fear from your eyes  
If desperate love keeps on driving you wrong  
Don't be afraid, you're not alone

You can run with us  
We've got everything you need  
Run with us, we are free

**CLARK (CC):** Mary is a great singer, a very interesting person and has great taste in cartoons. I think I may be falling for her.

Clark turned to Mary,"By the way, out of all The Raccoons characters which one do you think I'm most like?"

Mary rubbed her chin a bit in thought, "Ralph Raccoon. You remind me very much of Ralph."

Clark blinked, "Ralph? But I don't even know the first thing about doing news articles."

Mary smiled, "Your personality reminds me very much of Ralph Raccoon, you're very calm, smart and mature but you also have a quirky sense of humor."

Clark smiled back, "And what about everyone else?"

"Well, Billy would be Bentley because he's the youngest one here, I guess Ether would be Sophia because she's kind of a sap, Chelsea is like a perverted, insane version of Melissa since they're both into photography, Fred would be Cyril Sneer cause they're both loud, I guess Olga would be Lisa since they're both real tall and strong, Adam would be Schaeffer I guess, Tanner would be Cedric cause they worry too much, Ollie would obviously be Donna. Don't know about everyone else."

Clark blinked again, "Donna?"

"She was that whore who got Lisa hooked on cigarettes, remember?" Mary replied.

"Oh, yeah. I kind of remember that episode. It's been so long." Clark replied, "What about you?"

Mary blinked, "Me? I'd probably be Bert Raccoon. I'm too much of a tomboy to be any of the girls on that show."

Suddenly, a blood-curdling scream was heard and it caught Mary and Clark's attention. Instantly, Brittany came running at top speed in the direction of the camp. Tears were streaming rapidly down her cheeks, "MY BABY IS MISSING MY BABY IS MISSING, SOMEBODY HELP ME, I CAN'T FIND MY LITTLE ROBBY WOBBY!"

Instantly, Tanner, Chelsea, Ether, Billy and Fred came out of the tent and ran up to Brittany. Tanner spoke up, "What happened?"

"I...I...turned by back for only a second and my little Robby was gone!" Brittany bawled, tears falling from her face like rain.

Mary folded her arms and glared at her, "See, what did I tell you? You never should've brought your baby here in the first place."

Tanner nodded, "It may sound cold, but Mary has a good point."

"YOU SHOULD'VE STAYED HOME WITH ALL THE OTHER WOMEN WHILE THE MEN COMPETE!" Fred shouted in agreement.

Clark rolled his eyes, "Of course, because all women are oh-so-helpless they can only cook and sew."

"EXACTLY, RACCOON BOY!" Fred replied in agreement, oblivious to Clark's obvious sarcasm.

Suddenly, a bright light shone down on the Frosty Ferrets and they all looked up and saw Chris in a helicopter with a megaphone, "Campers, this will be the second part of your challenge. I have just started a forest fire and you will have to put it out by jumping from this helicopter, strapped onto bungee cords while carrying buckets of water. The first team to have their fire 100% contained wins. But, if your cord snaps then you are out of the challenge."

"But my baby is missing! I can't go anywhere without him!" Brittany whined as her tears fell freely.

Chris shrugged, "Your loss, lady. Anyway, Shift 1 will consist of Clark, Fred, Brittany and Ether. Get in the copter!"

The furry, sergeant, mother and religious girl all hopped in the copter and it took them above the canopy.

Meanwhile, Chef Hatchet was explaining the exact same thing to the Burning Birds. Philip gasped in shock, "You just set a forest fire and now we have to jump from a helicopter with bungee cords and buckets of water to put it out?!"

Chef nodded, "The first shift will consist of Philip, Adam, Janessa and Luna. Now get your butts in the helicopter."

Meanwhile, as Chris' helicopter ascended, Clark stared down at the forest below and noticed smoke coming from the woods as he held a large pot of water, "Why on Earth would anyone want to disturb mother nature in such a terrible way?"

Chris shrugged, "For the ratings, of course."

The host shoved the furry out of the helicopter and on the way down to douse the fire, Clark's cord snapped and he was sent tumbling into the forest.

**CHRIS (CC):** Oh yeah, and some of the cords are defective. Heh heh!

**CLARK (CC):** *makes cute animal whimpering noises*

**TANNER (CC):** *sigh* I'll go get my first aid kit.

Meanwhile, Luna took a plunge from Chef's helicopter with the bungee cord but as soon as she reached the canopy, the fire ignited her hat, "AAAAAH! MY HATS ON FIRE, MY HATS ON FIRE!"

As soon as she came up, Adam splashed a bucket of water on her to put out the fire and she moaned, "Noooooo, I'm MELTING! I'm MELTING!"

Philip rolled his eyes, "Relax, you're not melting."

Meanwhile, Ether took the next plunge for the ferrets, extinguishing a small patch of blaze with no trouble.

Philip was the next to jump for the birds but once he reached the canopy, the smoke from the fire filled his lungs and he started wheezing uncontrollably. Adam helped pull him up and started giving him CPR, reviving him. Philip opened his eyes and gazed at Adam, blushing.

**PHILIP (CC):** I may not say it in front of the others but Adam has the most beautiful green eyes. I wonder if he swings that way. Oh well, it's best to focus on the game and not romance.

Brittany was next to take a plunge for the ferrets. She was crying so hard, her crocodile tears had literally extinguished a small patch of fire.

Meanwhile, Janessa took the jump for the birds but her bungee cord snapped and she calmly fell into the canopy, "Dragsville, yo..."

Meanwhile, Fred was about to dive for the ferrets as he loudly shouted a military cadence:  
I DON'T KNOW BUT I'VE BEEN TOLD  
I'LL PUT OUT THIS FIRE AND MAKE IT COLD

The soldier bungee jumped into the canopy and doused a small fire but hit his head on a tree branch and went unconscious.

Adam was next to dive for the birds. He lept out of the helicopter but his bungee cord snapped. As he fell, he pulled a remote out of his pocket and pressed a button. Instantly, a parachute came out of his jacket and he drifted to the canopy, dousing a small patch of flames.

**ADAM (CC):** Ah reckon that parachute would come in handy one of these days.

Meanwhile, the Frosty Ferrets helicoper landed and Ether, Fred and Brittany got out. Chris spoke up, "All right. Tanner, Billy, Chelsea and Mary. The four of you are Shift 2. Get on in!"

The helicopter ascended as Mary stared down at the smoking canopy, "Oh well...I guess it's my time to rock!"

The blue-haired rocker girl took a dive and she doused a small patch of fire with her bucket full of water with no trouble. Chelsea looked down at the fire below, clipped on her bungee cord and jumped. Instantly, the albino's cord snapped and she was sent falling to the canopy.

**CHELSEA (CC):** *she is covered with burns marks* FunnyThingBeingAnAlbinoIAmLikeReallyReallyReallySensitiveToHeatSoIBurnEasilyIThinkImGonnaTakeANiceColdShowerAfterThisChallengeAndRelaxByWatchingSomeCelebrityPorn.

Meanwhile, Chef had gathered Shift 2 in his helicopter with Theo, Olga and Yumi. Theo stared down at the burning forest, "Dragon's flames doesn't scareth thou, neither does thine forest fire!" The knight leapt from the helicopter strapped to his bungee cord and doused a small patch of flames with his bucket of water.

Meanwhile, Tanner gazed deep into the blazing forest and sighed, "This bungee cord better be safe. Oh well, wish me luck!" The doctor took the plunge and doused a small patch of fire with his bucket.

Meanwhile, Olga was next to take a dive for the Burning Birds. She jumped from the helicopter and her bungee cord snapped but she grabbed onto a branch and swing around it, effectively jumping to the ground and landing on her feet.

**OLGA (CC):** Olga born in jungle, see big metal thingies and men with sharp steel thingies cut down rainforest. Used to danger like this.

Meanwhile, Billy was staring out the helicopter and into the burning canopy, "Gee whiz, I really don't know about this..."

Chris shrugged, "You'll be fine, kid. Imagine yourself climbing out of your treehouse back at home."

And with that, Chris pushed Billy out of the helicopter and Billy's bungee cord snapped, sending him falling into the burning forest.

**BILLY (CC):** It's okay...I get worse injuries playing baseball.

**TANNER (CC):** It's sure a good thing I brought my first aid kit to the island.

Meanwhile, Yumi took a plunge for the birds and while she was in the air, she pulled an ENTIRE SWIMMING POOL out of her pocket and poured it all over the remaining flames, extinguishing them. There was a long, awkward silence before the Burning Birds burst into cheering and dancing, "The Burning Birds have the fire 100% contained. THE BURNING BIRDS WIN!" Chef announced as Yumi got back in the helicopter and it descended to the ground.

Olga ran up to Yumi and hugged her so hard that balloons popped out of the clown's pockets, "Yumi win challenge for friends! We celebrate!"

Philip chuckled a bit, "Excellent job, Yumi."

"We all stayeth another day!" Theo cheered.

Janessa shrugged, "Our reward better be coffee."

Meanwhile, Chris unleashed a bunch of water from his helicopter and extinguished the rest of the ferrets' fire before landing and standing in front of the losing team, "Frosty Ferrets, looks like one of you will be blasting off tonight. Go back to your cabin and make your decisions."

Later, Clark and Mary were sitting at the docks when Clark spoke up, "So we're voting Brittany off, right?"

"No duh, she's overstayed her welcome on the island." Mary replied, "Fred may be an annoying jock, but I can handle him way better than I can handle her."

"Shall we get the others to vote Brittany off?" Clark asked.

Mary shrugged, "Nah, it's pretty obvious she's the one going home. Fred at least has some muscle on him so he may be of use if we have to do any physical challenges. All Brittany does is whine and breastfeed her baby in front of everyone."

Meanwhile, Ether was comforting a sobbing Brittany, "I'm sure your baby will be all right, Brittany. Please don't cry, Jesus is helping protect him as we speak, okay?"

**BRITTANY (CC):** Do you really want to know exactly why I came to Total Drama Island? I didn't come for friends, I didn't come for money, I didn't come to win, I came to make my mark on my world by killing that pathetic little baby on national TV! Casey Anthony? She's a thing of the past. I'm the NEW Casy Anthony. I'm the Casey Anthony of Total Drama! Why didn't I get an abortion, you ask? Simple, it would ruin the fun out of killing the baby with my own two hands! With that piece of trash out of the picture, I can finally get back to partying, underage drinking and hardcore sex. And you know what? Drowning Robby in the river was TOTALLY WORTH IT! All I have to do is fake-cry and the other campers will feel sorry for me for losing my baby. I don't CARE if I get eliminated because I've already accomplished my mission: Operation Baby Go Bye-bye.

Meanwhile, Fred marched into the boys side of the Frosty Ferrets cabin, "WE LOST AND THAT IS COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE. I'M GONNA WAKE UP YOU DIRTYBAGS EXTRA EARLY TOMORROW WITH LOUD MILITARY SONGS SO WE CAN WIN OUR CHALLENGE!"

Tanner rolled his eyes, "The average human body requires 8 hours of sleep. If I can't get my sleep, I might as well be too tired for the challenge."

"SHUT UP, NERDY DOCTOR KID! NO ONE WANTS YOUR OPINION!" Fred shouted back angrily.

**BILLY (CC):** Gee whiz, it sure is cold and noisy in here...

**TANNER (CC):** I think I know exactly who to vote off, the dumbest soldier on the planet.

**MARY (CC):** So long, you breastfeeding bitch. You won't be missed.

**FRED (CC):** I'M VOTING OFF BRITTANY, NO WOMAN SHOULD EVER BE ALLOWED TO COMPETE IN TOTAL DRAMA. THEY SHOULD BE AT HOME BAKING COOKIES WHILE THEIR HUSBANDS ARE OFF FIGHTING WARS!


	6. Fire On High Part 3

That night, the 8 Frosty Ferrets sat on stumps at the bonfire. Chris Maclean stood in front of them, holding a plate with 7 marshmallows, "Frosty Ferrets, this is your first bonfire ceremony so I should probably give you the drill. On this plate, I have 7 lucky marshmallows and in front of me sits 8 campers. When I call your name, you come up and get a marshmallow which means you get to stay another day. The contestant who does not receive a marshmallow must immediately walk down the Launchpad Of Shame and board the Rocket Of Losers which will blast you off the island and onto the playa. Any questions?"

Billy raised his hand, "What is the Playa? Is it a diner with a jukebox?"

"The Playa is a resort where you can relax after your rough time on the island here. But it's also a place to remind you of how much you suck cause you got voted off." Chris explained.

"Gee, that's an awfully nice way of putting it." Clark said sarcastically, crossing his arms.

Chris smiled at the campers and spoke, "First name I'm going to call is...Clark. You're safe."

The otherkin dashed up to the plate on all fours, hopped up and snagged a marshmallow.

"Mary"

The blue haired rocker walked up and grabbed her marshmallow.

"Billy"

"Gee whiz, I'm safe!" The 50s teen squealed with joy as he claimed his marshmallow.

"Tanner"

The doctor stood up and claimed his marshmallow.

"Chelsea"

The albino girl hopped up and grabbed her marshmallow with super speed.

"Ether"

"Praise the Lord." Ether sighed as she walked up and took her marshmallow.

Only one marshmallow sat on the plate and Brittany and Fred stared at it. Chris took a deep breath, "Hoo boy, this one was a toughie. There's an equal ammount of votes between the two of you. You guys must've been a real pain in the ass if you're tied like this but, I'm going to do something I don't normally do. I'm going to cast my own vote as a tiebreaker. With that being said, the final marshmallow goes to...

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

"Fred"

Chris threw the final marshmallow and Fred caught it in his hand before turning and facing Brittany, "SEE WHAT I MEAN? GO BACK TO THE KITCHEN, WOMAN AND GO EAT A SALAD!"

Brittany stood up with a look of shock on her face, "WHAT?! But I...I'm a great mother! Why does this sexist pig stay while I go, huh? That's how Ezekiel got eliminated so why isn't Fred going?"

Chris smirked at Brittany as he pressed a button on a remote he was holding, "Well, because of this!"

A TV screen appear in front of the chapers and on it was Brittany sitting in the outhouse confession cam:

**BRITTANY (CC):** Do you really want to know exactly why I came to Total Drama Island? I didn't come for friends, I didn't come for money, I didn't come to win, I came to make my mark on my world by killing that pathetic little baby on national TV! Casey Anthony? She's a thing of the past. I'm the NEW Casy Anthony. I'm the Casey Anthony of Total Drama! Why didn't I get an abortion, you ask? Simple, it would ruin the fun out of killing the baby with my own two hands! With that piece of trash out of the picture, I can finally get back to partying, underage drinking and hardcore sex. And you know what? Drowning Robby in the river was TOTALLY WORTH IT! All I have to do is fake-cry and the other campers will feel sorry for me for losing my baby. I don't CARE if I get eliminated because I've already accomplished my mission: Operation Baby Go Bye-bye.

The 7 safe ferrets just sat there, glaring at Brittany in complete and utter shock and horror. Even Fred and Ether. Chris folded his arms and smirked, "Feel free to line up and give Casey Anthony here a friendly going away punch."

Clark growled and hissed, walking up to the teen mother first and slamming his fist across her mouth, knocking some of her teeth out. Chelsea then walked up and slugged Brittany as hard as she could across the nose, breaking her nose. Tanner walked up and punched Brittany's eye, giving her a shiner. Ether and Billy ran up and kicked her in the shins. As she fell on her knees, Fred walked up to her and ounched her as hard as he could in the gut. Finally, Mary came up and grabbed Brittany by the throat and glared at her with extreme hatred, "Get out and NEVER EVER come back, you psychopathic baby killer!"

Instantly, Mary uppercutted Brittany and began dragging her by her hair. She kicked and screamed her entire way to the rocket, "YOU THINK BEATING ME UP IS GONNA BRING THAT SNOT-NOSED DROOL-BUCKET BACK?! Oh well, guess I can enjoy paradise at the Playa, huh?"

Chris smirked, "Not likely, as soon as you arrive there, the RCMP will have a few words with you."

And with that, Mary literally threw Brittany into the Rocket Of Losers. The teen mother angrily banged on the bulletproof glass window as Chef lit the rocket's fuse but there was nothing she could do as she was blasted off to the playa.

Chris turned to the rest of the contestants, "Frosty Ferrets, that right there is a good example of how NOT to win a reality show. You may return to your cabins and rest."

**FRED (CC):** BRITTANY HAS RECEIVED A DISHONORABLE DISCHARGE FOR NOT ONLY BEING A WOMAN BUT BEING A BABY KILLER AS WELL.

**CLARK (CC):** I hope that monster gets what's coming to her in prison. *snarls*

**MARY (CC):** I honestly hope her baby haunts her for the rest of her life until the day she dies. Scum like that doesn't even deserve to breed.

**CHRIS (CC):** Why did I really vote Brittany off instead of Fred? Simple, Fred was much funnier and brought in better ratings. Brittany was a whiny little slut.

Later, Tanner walked up to Clark who was sitting outside the cabin with his eyes closed. The doctor smiled at the furry, "So, how did the prayer go?"

Clark shook his head, "I couldn't sense little Robby in the spirit world. There is a chance he could still be alive out there by some miracle."

Tanner sighed, "I know you mean well, Clark but the best thing we can do now is go to bed and rest up for tomorrow's challenge. After what happened today, who knows what else this island has in store for us?"

Clark sighed and nodded, "You're right. Next thing tomorrow morning, I'll nail a dream catcher to our cabin wall. There's no way we can rest easy after these events."

**TANNER (CC):** Clark is a nice guy but as a man of science, I'm very skeptical of all this Native American spiritual stuff he does. No offense to him or anything, I just don't believe in ghosts like he does. I will admit he's very mature for his age, though.

Meanwhile, a shadowy figure stands outside the girls side of the Burning Birds cabin and drops a bouquet of roses on the front step before disappearing into the darkness.

Meanwhile, an eagle flies through the night sky, carrying off little Robby to places unknown.

**Eliminated so far:** Ollie, Brittany

**NOTE:** _So, what do you think? I think now was the perfect time to let Brittany go. Originally, she was meant to be more sympathetic and I thought of giving her a date rape backstory but at the last minute, I decided to play the Casey Anthony card with her to make her on the same level as Kasimar and Nakia from CragmiteBlaster's Letterz. Anyway, I think I just made one of the most despicable Total Drama OCs even through she was only the second teen voted off._


	7. The Lion Sleeps Tonight Part 1

Chris stood at the Total Drama docks, dressed in a lion costume as he turned and faced the camera, "Last time on Total Drama Fire & Ice, things heated up a little bit. Brittany threw a dirty diaper in Mary's face which was ratings gold AND she pulled a Casey Anthony by throwing her baby into the river. The campers had to bungee jump from a helicopter with buckets of water to put out a forest fire. Thanks to Yumi and her swimming pool, the birds won the challenge when the ferrets had to blast someone off. In the end, Brittany AKA Casey Anthony was the second camper to go with a well-deserved farewell beating from her fellow ferrets. But hey, we can forget about all that negative stuff and just Hakuna Matata, am I right? Stay tooned for a new episode here only on Total Drama Fire & Ice!"

*I wanna be famous theme song plays*

The sun rose on the newly rebuilt Camp Wawanakwa as Mary woke up with a yawn in the girls side of the Frosty Ferrets cabin. She looked around, "No babies crying, no smelly diapers, no breastfeeding. I'm glad that psycho is gone."

Ether noded as she shifted in her bed, "What she did was very sinful but hopefully Jesus has enough compassion in his heart to forgive her."

Mary rolled her eyes, "No one in their right mind would forgive something like that, Messiah or not."

Chelsea nodded, "IMayBeCrazyAndAllMyselfButImNoEvilBabyKillerIHopeBrittanyGetsWhatsComingToHerInPrison."

Ether sighed, "Anyway, I'm going to pray for Robby and hope he finds peace in the afterlife. He expired way too soon if you ask me."

Mary nodded, "You've got a good point, Ether. It's too bad some folks are born with scumbag parents. I wouldn't be surprised if Brittany is perma-banned from the competition. I doubt she'll show up for any aftermath shows or the finale."

Ether shook her head and sighed, "If Jesus were in charge, I think he'd allow Brittany to go on Aftermath and the finale. He's just that kind and forgiving."

Mary rolled her eyes, "Don't be so naive, Ether. Chris runs the show here and he's no Jesus. Anyway, I'm hoping that Brittany burns in hell for what she did. I have no tears of sympathy to cry for her."

**ETHER (CC):** Of course Jesus never forgives Brittany. She's gonna burn in hell but then again, so will Mary!

**MARY (CC):** I think Ether is a little too blind in her faith. I hope she comes to her senses and becomes more grounded.

**CHELSEA (CC):** ThatEliminationCeremonyLeftAReallyBadTasteInMyMouthNotJustTheIckyMarshmallowsButTheWholeBrittanyFiascoOhWellIMightAsWellGoToTheCommunalAndPleasureMyselfToMyCelebrityPorn.

Meanwhile, on the boys' side of the Frosty Ferrets cabin, Fred was once again shouting at the top of his lungs, "RISE AND SHINE, MAGGOTS! THIS IS THE MILITARY AND WE'RE GOING TO MARCH AND SING LOUD SONGS OR I WILL MAKE YOU SCRUB THE FLOOR WITH TOOTHBRUSHES!"

Clark rolled his eyes as he nailed a dream catcher to the wall, "Right, just don't start whining when we fall asleep during challenges because your loud voice kept us up all night."

Tanner nodded, "Clark's right. Sharing a cabin with you, I've had the worst sleep in my life."

Fred glared at them, "YOU FLUFFY PINK POODLES ARE TOO LAZY, NO BREAK FOR YOU!" The military teen looked around the cabin, "WHERE IS THE BASEBALL KID AT? HE NEEDS HIS DRILL INSTRUCTOR!"

Tanner rolled his eyes, "That baseball kid has a name, you know."

Clark raised an eyebrow, "Does Billy ring any bells?"

Fred folded his arms, "I DON'T CARE ABOUT NAMES, SOLDIERS ARE BORN TO BE FIGHTING MACHINES AND SHOULD HAVE NUMBERS OR NICKNAMES ASSIGNED TO THEM!"

Clark chuckled a bit, "So, what do you plan on doing, microchipping everyone and shaving their heads? Sorry, but the only nickname I go by is Rascal and that's only when I'm in character as my fursona."

Fred frowned and glared at Clark, "FURRIES DON'T BELONG IN THE MILITARY, THEY'RE WAY TOO GIRLY AND SLEEP WITH STUFFED ANIMALS!"

Clark smirked a little, amused by Fred's antics, "Just go and say that to my friends on Furaffinity who actually ARE in the military. I dare you."

Fred scowled again, "I DON'T HAVE THE TIME TO TALK TO GIRLY ANIMAL PEOPLE, ONLY TIME TO SHOOT GUNS, MARCH AND EAT BEEF JERKY!"

**CLARK (CC):** Fred has the IQ of a cornflake. I can think of fursuit parts that are much smarter than he is.

**FRED (CC):** WHEN I GET FAMOUS, PEOPLE WILL FOREVER CALL ME SERGEANT YESSIR NOSIR IDUNNOSIR AND I WILL START MY OWN MILITARY SCHOOL!

Meanwhile, on the boys side of the Burning Birds cabin, Adam was fast asleep and Philip looked over to him with a gentle smile. Theo was busy polishing his armor with a rag on his bed when he turned and faced Philip, "So how doth is feel to winneth thine challenge? Maybe we can starteth thy winning streak."

Philip sighed and shook his head, "Easier said than done, our team is full of wildcards compared to the other team. If we lose, who do you think we should vote off?"

Theo chuckled and shook his head, "Thou is such a pessimist. If we putteth our best foot forward, we shall winneth are next challenge."

Philip squirted a breath of his inhaler into his mouth, "Well, let's hope so. By the way, how did you become a knight in the first place?"

"I woth in thy military, training until I received true knighthood. My life is a simple one, liveth in thine castle, go save thy maiden, joust against thine black knight and enjoy a drink at thy pub." Theo replied with a smile.

Philip blinked a few times, "So, you're telling me that you're an actual knight?"

Theo nodded, "And chivalry is parteth of thine code of honor."

**PHILIP (CC):** Renaissance geeks. Go fig. By the way, Adam does look kinda cute when he sleeps.

**THEO (CC):** Philip doth worry too mucheth. We shall winneth thine challenge or my name nae be Sir Theodore McArmor III!

Meanwhile, on the female side of the Burning Birds' cabin, Luna was tossing a ball of yarn to her pet black cat, Midnite while Olga shared a banana with her monkey, Eep Eep. The cavegirl smiled at the witch, "So Luna, where you from? You from jungle like me and Eep Eep?"

Luna shook her head, "No, I live in a cottage out in the woods. It's the perfect place to prey on and eat unsuspecting travelers. I don't really get lonely because my pets keep me company. My parents had me sent to the nut house cause they said I was taking the witch thing too far so I found an abandoned shed, ran away and lived there ever since."

Olga shook her head, "Olga not know parents very well. Raised by monkies, learned English from picture box thingy with people in it. It teach Olga well. Me not have good English, but me know to survive."

Suddenly, Janessa opened to door and peered down at a bouquet of roses and picked it up. On it, it read, "To my beautiful dreamboat, I love you, Yumi."

Janessa groaned a little, "Hey, everyone. Looks like some poor homie's got a crush on mainstream clown girl."

Olga ran up and took the roses and handed them to Yumi, "Yumi get love letter, but who send it?"

Suddenly, Yumi turned the boquet upside down and a baseball rolled out. She picked up the baseball and grinned.

Janessa raised an eyebrow, "That American square boy has a crush on you? Lamesville, best off dumping him and getting a cool cat."

Olga folded her arms and glared at Janessa, "But this romantic! Clown girl and ball boy in love. Yumi and Billy make cute couple."

"And a delicious couple if you add some skunk cheese and toenail clippings." Luna added, smirking.

Suddenly, Yumi dashed out of the sauna of a cabin with the bouquet in her hand.

**OLGA (CC):** It must be great to love. Olga wonder if Philip like her too? Maybe?

**LUNA (CC):** Love is in the air and so are toxic mold spores! MWEEHEEHEEHEEHEE!

**YUMI (CC):** *hugs her bouquet*

Yumi unfolded the note and read it to herself. It said, "Meet me at the dock before challenge time, I have a surprise for you. Love, Billy."

The clown took off full speed for the dock and it wasn't long before she noticed Billy sitting there, staring into the water. The 50s style teen smiled and gestured for Yumi to come closer and the clown sat next to him on the dock. Billy chuckled a bit before turning to Yumi with a blush on his face, "I uh...picked those flowers for you, Yumi. I snuck out so Fred wouldn't find me. I have another present right under my hat." Billy pulled his cap off and presented Yumi with a few packets of chocolate malt mixture, "My friend Johnny's father owns a malt shop and he was swell enough to give me a few packets to take on the island before I sighed up. Gee whiz, I sure hope you enjoy it."

Yumi smiled back as Billy handed her the malt mixture packets and then she pulled out a balloon and started blowing it up. The clown then twisted it into the shape of a puppy and gave it to Billy.

Billy blushed at the balloon dog, "For me? Gee whiz, Yumi, that sure is keen of you to give me my own balloon dog like this! I think I'll name him Rex!"

**BILLY (CC):** I sure hope Peggy Sue won't be too mad at me back at home but...I think I've really fallen for Yumi.

**YUMI (CC):** *blows a kiss*

The clown girl and all-American boy were ready to kiss when suddenly, Chris' voice blared over the loudspeaker, "ATTENTION CAMPERS, MEET ME AT THE MESS HALL IN 8 MINUTES, I HAVE A SURPRISE FOR ALL OF YOU!"

Later, the 14 contestants filed into the mess hall and saw a wide screen TV and Chris was standing in front of it. Olga blinked a few times, "We watch people on big square box thingy?"

"Correction, Olga. We're watching lions on the big square box thingy." Chris replied, "We're all watching The Lion King!"

Mary raised an eyebrow, "We're watching a Disney movie for a challenge? Seriously, are you losing your edge, Chris?"

Janessa groaned a little, "Lion King? Mainstream movie for furry fandom sheep, yo. Why can't we be watching a good Disney movie like The Black Cauldron?"

Luna nodded with agreement, "Yeah, the Horned King is much scarier than Scar!"

"IHaveAPrettyLargeCollectionOfRule34GurgiPornOnMyLaptopBackAtHome." Chelsea blurted out, causing Janessa and Luna to give her weird stares. Chelsea blushed a little, "ItWasAPhaseIWentThrough."

Chris folded his arms, "No, we're not going to watch The Black Cauldron instead to appeal to your hipster tastes, Janessa."

"Dragsville..." The beatnik groaned, "Lion sheeple movie, mainstream programming for preschoolers, librarians and furries."

"Anyway, I thought watching the movie would be too simple for the first part of the challenge so I brought these shock collars to keep your emotions in check." Chris explained, "Cry over Mufasa's death and you will get a REALLY painful electric shock that will make you cry for a completely different reason!"

**BILLY (CC):** Mufasa dies? Golly, I think Chris just spoiled the movie for me.

**CLARK (CC):** That is so not fair. I know the movie by heart and I cry every time Mufasa dies. What the heck is WRONG with Chris?!

"The Lion King? Whereth art thou Lion Queen? Of courseth thy lion must hath a mate." Theo asked.

Chris shrugged, "Don't ask me, I'm not the one who created the movie."

Fred folded his arms, "WHY DO WE HAVE TO WATCH A SISSY CARTOON MOVIE? I WANT A WAR FLICK WITH LANDMINES AND BARBED WIRE AND EXPLODING BODY PARTS AND MACHINE GUNS AND MILITARY SONGS, NOT A CARTOON ABOUT STUPID LIONS!"

Janessa folded her arms, "Besides, Lion King is a complete RIPOFF of Kimba The White Lion, yo."

Clark smirked a little, "Oh snap, Janessa. You did not just go there!"

"You heard me, dawg. I went there all right. Want me to take it even further?" Janessa asked with a satisfied smirk.

Philip glared at Janessa, "I'll have you know that Lion King is one of the best animated movies and to be fair, Simba is not an albino and there are no hunters in The Lion King."

Janessa grumbled a bit, "Whatever, yo. Still an overrated ripoff of a better program."

**JANESSA (CC):** Kimba is WAY better than conformist commercialism sheeple Simba, yo. It's a fact, not an opinion.

Janessa just rolled her eyes and exited the mess hall, "You all go watch your mainstream movie while I practice my slam, ya dig? What a bunch of sheep..."

There was an awkward silence as Janessa left and Chris spoke up, "All righty then. Campers, sit down at your tables and apply your shock collars. We're starting the movie!"

Adam raised his hand, "Ah know ah'm not a big fan of chef's food but kin he at least cook up breakfast as we watch?"

Chris groaned and folded his arms, "Fine! Any other questions before we start?"

Tanner raised his hand, "Just how strong are these shock collars?"

Chris shrugged, "Powerful enough to paralyze a fully grown adult male bear. Why do you ask?"

Tanner groaned, "I'll try to keep my emotions in check, then."

And so, Chris pressed the remote and the movie started playing. The 13 campers minus Janessa all sat down and watched the movie. It came to the "I Just Can't Wait To Be King" musical number part when Fred stood up, "I HAD ENOUGH OF THIS SUPER GAY MOVIE, I GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE AND DO SOMETHING MANLY LIKE EAT BEEF JERKY OR SHOOT A GUN, I'LL SEE YOU GAY PINK FART-SKUNKS LATER!"

And with that, Fred marched put of the mess hall and Chris pressed a button on his remote, electrocuting the soldier and Fred could be heard screaming, "MOMMY, IT REALLY BURNS MY NECK!"

About 30 minutes passed and Mufasa's death scene started playing on the screen. Billy was sobbing so hard that his collar was zapping the daylights out of him, Mary gently wiped the tears trickling down Clark's face with her fingers as he whimpered softly but that didn't stop the both of them from being zapped. Adam, Olga, Philip, Theo and Chelsea also received electric shocks from crying during the scene. Ether and Luna were the only ones who didn't cry and Tanner could barely hold his emotions in. When Timon and Pumbaa came on the screen, Olga and Billy started cheering for them even through it was their very first time watching the movie. Mary whispered to Clark about her childhood crush on Timon and he just laughed heartily. Yumi was busy blowing up balloons and twisting them into the shapes of the characters and in about 20 minutes, the movie came to a close and the campers stood up, having finished watching the movie and eating breakfast. Most were covered with electrical burns for crying over Mufasa's death and the water of their tears only helped conduct the electricity.

Chris just chuckled a bit as he turned back on the lights, "Call Fred and Janessa back in, this is where the second part of the challenge starts."

Olga got up and walked out the mess hall door, "FRED! JANESSA! WE START REAL CHALLENGE NOW! CHRIS SAY!"

The soldier and hipster girl groaned as they filed back into the mess hall and Chris stood in front of everyone with two hats, "Campers, I have seven names in these hats. Frosty Ferrets, you pick the names in my left hand, Burning Birds, you pick the right. Once you pick a name, you cannot trade. Got it?"

Each camper picked a name from the hat and Fred raised his eyebrow, "PUMBAA?! WHO THE HECK IS PUMBAA? HE BETTER NOT BE A SISSY!"

"You walked out cause you felt the movie was too gay, Fred. Oh well, your loss." Chris said, "Because the second part of this challenge is...ACTING! Each of you will act out various scenes from the Lion King as the character you drew from the hat. Each individual camper will be scored on acting performance and costume. The team with the most points wins invincibility. You all have 5 hours total to make costumes and rehearse your lines. Here are your scripts, scripts are your friend, memorize them and by you, I'm talking about hipster girl and macho man especially. When your time is up, meet me at the amphitheater and put on the show. Got it?"

**MARY (CC):** YES! I can't believe I got lucky and got Timon! Ever since I was a little girl, I had a bit of a crush on Timon cause he always reminded me so much of myself. All the other girls bragged about how they were Nala, but you know what? Gender doesn't matter cause I was BORN for the role of Timon! I'm a wisecracking smartass at heart, not some main heroine princess.

**BILLY (CC):** Gee whiz, that movie sure was swell. I had no idea color TV even existed. Anyway, I have the role of Simba. I think this will be a real keen challenge!

**LUNA (CC):** Zazu is so boring, I wish I was one of the hyenas instead. Oh well, maybe I could spice up the role a bit with some evil laughter. Mweeheeheeheehee!

**OLGA (CC):** Olga got Nala! Olga got Nala!

**ETHER (CC):** I drew the role of Scar. I'm happy with this since I can vent my true colors without raising any suspicion.

And with that, the campers filed out of the mess hall and started grtting prepared in their cabins.

To be continued...anyway here's a list of who will be playing who:

**FROSTY FERRETS:**  
Simba - Billy  
Nala - Chelsea  
Mufasa - Clark  
Scar - Ether  
Timon - Mary  
Pumbaa - Fred  
Zazu - Tanner

**BURNING BIRDS:**  
Simba - Philip  
Nala - Olga  
Mufasa - Yumi  
Scar - Theo  
Timon - Adam  
Pumbaa - Janessa  
Zazu - Luna


	8. The Lion Sleeps Tonight Part 2

**NOTE:** _Long chapter to write cause I had to read up on the Lion King script but it was worth it. Probably the funniest chapter I've done so far. Poor Adam, though._

The Frosty Ferrets entered their cabin and Clark came out holding some supplies, "I brought some fursuit building materials in case a challenge like this came along. It should be enough to make some masks in the amount of time we have. There's not enough material for 7 full-body suits, though. Anyone else here know how to sew? Two people going at this would cut down on the time."

Ether raised her hand, "I know how to sew, sometimes I help sew for my church so I can help you out."

**ETHER (CC):** I hate Clark. He is an annoying furfag prairie nigger that should yiff in hell with the rest of the Jesus-disrespecting Sioux tribe. But I have to put up with him and work with him. Suddenly, I regret learning how to sew back in those Home Ec classes.

Tanner turned to face Clark and Ether, "The two of you go work on the costumes, the rest of us are going to rehearse at the amphitheater."

Fred folded his arms, "WHY DOES CLARK GET TO SEW COSTUMES? MEN SHOULDN'T SEW, THAT'S WHAT WOMEN WERE BORN TO DO!"

Mary rolled her eyes, "Save your sexist remarks for when you get booted off, okay Fred?"

Fred shook his head, "I'LL NEVER UNDERSTAND FURRIES..."

**CHELSEA (CC):** FredShouldReallyLearnToWatchWhatHeSaysIThinkHeShould TakeSensitivityTrainingClassesAndCrossdressForABunchOfYaoiFangirls.

**TANNER (CC):** I wonder how much testosterone Fred takes daily. I find that to be a rather scary thought.

Meanwhile, the Burning Birds are all gathered in front of their cabin and Philip looked around himself, "All right, anyone here know how to sew?"

Yumi simply shrugged and pulled 4 beaten-up looking lion costumes out of her pocket that seemed to be stained with coffee. Philip blinked a few times, "Oooookay. I guess that'll have to do but we need costumes for Timon, Pumbaa and Zazu as well."

Yumi pulled out a live meerkat, a strip of bacon and a feather. Yumi gave the feather to Luna, the bacon to Janessa and handed Adam the meerkat. Adam looked down at the meerkat, "Awww, he's kinda a cutie..."

Suddenly, the meerkat growled, latched onto Adam's face and started mauling him, causing him to scream like a little girl.

**ADAM (CC):** *he is covered in bites and scratches* Ah never knew playing Timon would be so...painful.

Janessa wiggled her strip of bacon and raised an eyebrow, "This better not be microwaveable Hormel Republican soccer mom conformist sheeple bacon, yo."

Philip grumbled a bit as he got into his dirty Simba costume, "Well, all I can say is our acting has to be better than these costumes or one of us will be blasting off."

Luna folded her arms, "I think I'm going to give Zazu an evil laugh. He needs SOMETHING to make himself stand apart!"

Philip frowned, "Last time I checked, Zazu wasn't evil or had a wicked laugh."

"Olga work on Nala lines. Me play role of her." the cavegirl spoke, now wearing her coffee stained lion costume.

"Then you'll have to brush up on your English skills, yo. Don't be talking like a stereotype caveman, ya dig?" Janessa replied, folding her arms.

**PHILIP (CC):** I have a sinking feeling this will be a trainwreck performance.

**LUNA (CC):** Didn't your mother ever tell you not to play with your food? Mweeeheeheeheeehee! See? It makes ALL the difference!

**THEO (CC):** Well, if it isn't thine big brother descending from on higheth to mingle with thine commoners!

**YUMI (CC):** *pies herself in the face*

Meanwhile, Mary, Billy, Tanner, Chelsea and Fred were all gathered at the backstage of the amphitheater and rehearsing their lines.

Mary cleared her throat and spoke up, "So, where are you from?"

Billy sighed and hung his head, "Who cares? I can't go back."

Mary smiled back, "You're an outcast, huh? That's great, so are we. Fred, your line."

Fred suddenly began marching in place, "I DON'T KNOW BUT I'VE BEEN TO-"

Instantly, Mary punched Fred in the arm, "Your LINE, ya mook!"

**MARY (CC):** Clark was right, Fred really DOES have the IQ or a cornflake!

Chelsea cleared her throat a bit before reading her lines, "TheWaterholeWhatsSoGreatAboutTheWaterhole?"

Mary raised an eyebrow, "You may want to slow down a little there, Chelsea. You're playing Nala, not Rev Runner from Loonatics Unleashed."

"Whaaaaaat's soooooooo greeeeeeat aboooooout theeeeeee waterhooooooooole?" Chelsea spoke in slow motion.

"Speed it up, just a little bit." Tanner advised, trying not to laugh.

"What's so great about the watering hole?" Chelsea read her lines.

"Perfect." The blue-haired rocker gave the albino a thumbs up.

**TANNER (CC):** Loonatics Unleashed? That brings back memories. I had this one cousin who had a huge crush on Tech E Coyote and she wrote some self-insert Mary Sue fic involving him. She was never the best writer...

Mary turned to the script, "All right. So Fred and I are Timon and Pumbaa so we'll sing Hakuna Matata."

Fred glared at Mary, "HAKUNA? BUT I'M NOT JEWISH! JEWISH PEOPLE ARE WIMPY BANK NERDS WHO REFUSE TO EAT PORK BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT MANLY ENOUGH. WHY DO WE HAVE TO SING HAKUNA SONGS?"

Mary rolled her eyes and nearly stared banging her head on the wall at Fred's stupidity, "Hakuna Matata is NOT a Jewish holiday song, Fred. You would know what it is if you watched the so-called gay movie."

Fred scowled a bit, "CAN I MAKE THE SONG MORE MANLY BY TURNING IT INTO A MILITARY MARCH WITH CALL AND RESPONSE?"

"NO!" Mary, Tanner and Chelsea all said in unison.

**FRED (CC):** I DON'T KNOW BUT I'VE BEEN TOLD, HAKUNA MATATA SOMETHING THAT RHYMES WITH TOLD!

**BILLY (CC):** Gee whiz, I think Fred might be mentally ill.

Meanwhile, the Burning Birds were still hanging outside their cabin when Adam turned to Janessa, "Looks like we're the Timon and Pumbaa, huh?"

Janessa rolled her eyes, "Why couldn't it be Kimba instead of Simba, yo? Disney is full of thieves, liars, soccer moms and Republicans. This is the worst challenge EVER!"

Adam glared at Janessa, "Still gotta put on the show, I reckon. Ya really wanna get voted off that bad, huh?"

"I'm too much of a cool cat to blast off, ya dig?" Janessa replied, "But I'm also too cool to do a play of a conformist corporate ripoff of Kimba."

Adam rolled his eyes, "Pick your poison, Janessa. Either go with the challenge or be the next one eliminated if we lose."

**JANESSA (CC):** I'm WAY too cool of a cat to get eliminated this soon, daddy-o.

Theo and Luna were busy rehearsing their lines. The knight spoke up as he read Scar's line, "Whatteth do ye wanteth?"

"I'm here to announce that King Mufasa is on his way. Mweeheeheeheehee!" Luna cackled evilly.

**LUNA (CC):** I hate Zazu, he's just way too stuffy of a character. I hope Chris appreciates the evil laugh I've given him!

Philip and Yumi were rehearsing their roles while Olga watched. Philip cleared his throat and spoke up, "All right, so this is the scene where Mufasa scolds Simba for going to the Elephant Graveyard. So Yumi, you'll have to scold me."

Yumi shrugged, pulled a balloon out of her pocket, started blowing into it, twisted it into the shape of a sword and whacked Philip upside the head with it. Philip rolled his eyes, "Last time I checked, Mufasa didn't punish Simba by whacking him with a balloon sword."

Yumi shrugged again, pulled out a bunch of balls and started juggling them.

**PHILIP (CC):** With the exception of Adam, I am completely embarrassed by our team. We look like a bunch of trick or treaters who are too old for trick or treating.

**OLGA (CC):** Olga wonder if Yumi right for acting. Yumi costumes smell weird, too.

Meanwhile, Clark and Ether were working on the masks. Ether spoke up, "So Clark, have you by any chance prayed to Jesus lately?"

Clark shook his head, "Sorry, Ether but I'm a Pagan. I believe in Pagan gods and goddesses."

Ether shrugged, "It's okay, Jesus loves you anyway."

Clark raised an eyebrow, "It's probably best we talk about something besides religion, okay Ether?"

Ether nodded, "Okay."

**ETHER (CC):** Clark is a pagan. A disgusting, satanic pagan. I'm sure Jesus will have a field day with a demon freak like him!

Clark rubbed his paws together as he smiled at his and Ether's mask creations, "Well, I think we did a pretty good job except for Zazu. Then again, I was never really that good with building bird fursuits."

**CLARK (CC):** As much as I'd like to make full suits for the team, Rome just wasn't built in a day. Making 7 fursuits in under 5 hours is just impossible not to mention I don't have THAT much material on me. I guess we'll just have to roll with what Ether and I made. I'm not too worried about rehearsing the script as I know the movie by heart. I think Mufasa is a good role for me.

Later that evening, the 14 campers all gathered at the amphitheater as Chris stood on the stage with a sheet of paper in his hand, "Ahem! Campers, I hope your rehearsal and costumes went well because now it's time to put on the show. Frosty Ferrets, you guys are up first. And by the way, there will be NO retakes so you have to make sure you're at your best. No stage fright or crying like sissies, okay?"

**FROSTY FERRETS - SCENE: Zazu's message**

"Life's not fair, isn't it?" Ether pouted, "I shall never be King." The young Christian girl in the Scar mask batted at the toy mouse.

"Didn't your mother ever tell you not to play with your food?" Tanner interrupted in his somewhat poorly designed Zazu mask.

"What do you want?" Ether groaned.

"I'm here to announce that King Mufasa is on his way." Tanner replied with a bow, "So you'd better have a good excuse for missing the ceremony this morning."

Ether threw the toy mouse across the stage, "Oh now look, Zazu; you've made me lose my lunch."

"Hah! You'll lose more than that when the King gets through with you. He's as mad as a hippo with a hernia." Tanner replied sternly.

"Oooh... I quiver with FEAR." Ether smirked, latching onto Tanner and grabbing him by the neck.

**TANNER (CC):** Geez, Ether sure has a strong grip for such a little girl. I wonder what kind of weights she's been lifting!

**BURNING BIRDS - SCENE: Zazu's message**

"Lifeth nae fair, is it?" Theo smirked smugly, "Thou shalt never be thine king."

Theo, in his mangy-looking Scar costume skewered the toy mouse on his joust and Luna came in, holding a bird feather, "Didn't your mother ever tell you not to play with your food? Mweeeheeheeheehee!"

Chris couldn't help but cringe at Luna's evil cackle as Theo continued to speak, "What doth thou want?"

"I'm here to announce that King Mufasa is on his way, So you'd better have a good excuse for not looking like a delicious morsel! Mweeheeheeheehee!" Luna cackled evilly.

Theo tossed his lance aside, "Oh now looketh, Zazu. you made thou loseth thy lunch."

"Hah! You'll lose more than that when the King gets through with you. He'll turn you into a spider and eat your little dog, too. Mweeheeheeheehee!" Luna cackled again.

"Oooooh, thou quivers with fear!" Theo hissed at Luna.

**FROSTY FERRETS - SCENE: Scar tricks Simba:**

"Simba, Simba, I'm only looking out for the well- being of my favorite nephew." Ether smirked at Billy who was dressed in a cute Simba mask.

Billy folded his arms, "Yeah, right, I'm your only nephew."

"All the more reason for me to be protective... An elephant graveyard is no place for a young prince..." Ether replied smugly.

Billy gasped in surprise "An elephant what?"

Ether gasped, "Oh dear, I've said too much... Well, I suppose you'd have found sooner or later, you being SO clever and all...Oh, just do me one favor - promise me you'll never visit that dreadful place."

Billy rubbed his chin, "No problem!"

Ether smirked at Billy, "There's a good lad. You run along now and have fun. And remember... it's our little secret."

**BURNING BIRDS - SCENE: Scar tricks Simba:**

"Simba, Simba, I'm only looketh out for thine well-being of thy nephew." Theo smiled at Philip.

Philip began to sweat and feel nervous, "Yeah...right...I'm your o-o-o-nly nephew."

Philip took a breath of his inhaler as Theo spoke again, "All thy more reason for me to be protective. An elephant graveyard is nae placeth for thy young prince."

Philip shivered a bit, "An elephant wh-wh-WHAT?!"

Theo rubbed his chin , "Oh dear, thou hast said too much. Well, I suppose you'd find out sooner or later, thou being so clever and all. Oh, just doeth me one favor, promise me thou shalt never visit thy dreadful place."

Philip nodded, "N-n-no p-p-problem..."

Theo smiled eerily, "That's a good lad. Thou must run along and have fun. And remember, it is our secret."

**PHILIP (CC):** Yeah, I may be a con artist but surprisingly, I have problems with stage fright.

**FROSTY FERRETS - SCENE: Bath Scene**

**CHRIS (CC):** I had Sierra fill in for the role of Sarabi for the Ferrets and Izzy plays Sarabi for the Birds. Also, Gwen and Heather play Sarafina. This should be interesting!

Billy walked up to Chelsea, "Hey, Nala."

Chelsea smiled at Billy, "Hi, Simba."

"Come on. I just heard about this great place." Billy told Chelsea excitedly.

Chelsea rolled her eyes as Gwen licked her, "Simba! I'm kind of in the middle of a bath."

A big smirk came across Sierra's face, "And it's time for yours. I'll just pretend you're Cody, okay?"

Sierra pulled Billy in close and started licking him, "Mom! ...Mom. You're messing up my mane. Okay, okay. I'm clean now. Can we go?"

**BILLY (CC):** Gee whiz, that Sierra girl sure is creepy!

"So where are we going? It better not be anyplace dumb." Chelsea asked, crossing her arms.

"No. It's really cool." Billy replied.

"So where is this "really cool" place?" Sierra asked as she stroked Billy creepily.

"The watering hole." Billy lied.

"The water hole? What's so great about the water hole?" Chelsea rolled her eyes.

" I'll SHOW you when we GET there." Billy whispered to Chelsea.

**GWEN (CC):** Ugh, I need to get that hair out of my mouth!

**BURNING BIRDS - SCENE: Bath Scene**

Philip walked up to Olga, "H-hey Olga."

"Hi Philip." Olga smiled happily at him.

Philip smiled nervousluy at Olga, "C-C-C-Come on. I j-just heard about this g-g-g-great place."

Olga rolled her eyes as Heather licked her, "Simba! Nala in middle of bath!"

"And now it's time for yours!" Izzy giggled as she started licking Philip's hair.

"M-m-mom your m-m-messing up my m-m-mane..." Philip whined pathetically as Izzy licked him, O-okayt I-i'm clean now. C-c-can we go?"

"Where we go? Better not be dumb." Olga replied.

"No. It's really cool." Philip replied

"So where is this "really cool" place?" Izzy asked.

Philip looked down at his feet, "Water...hole..."

"Water hole? What so great about water hole?" Olga asked in an annoyed voice.

"I'll...sh-sh-sh-show you..." Philip shivered, taking a breath from his inhaler.

**HEATHER (CC):** Ewww! I can't believe I had to lick that dirty cave girl! I am washing my mouth out with soap and giving Chris a piece of my mind when this is over!

**FROSTY FERRETS - SCENE: Mufasa scolds Simba:**

"Simba, I'm very disappointed in you" Clark spoke sternly as he glared at Billy.

"I know..." Billy whispered quietly.

"You could have been killed. You deliberately disobeyed me. And what's worse, you put Nala in danger!" Clark continued.

"I was just trying to be brave like you." Billy sniffled.

"I'm only brave when I have to be. Simba... being brave doesn't mean you go looking for trouble." Clark replied sternly.

"But you're not scared of anything." Billy replied.

"I was today." Clark frowned.

"You were?" Billy asked.

"Yes, Simba. I thought I might lose you." Clark replied.

**BURNING BIRDS - SCENE: Mufasa scolds Simba:**

Yumi blows up a balloon and whacks Philip on the head with it. Philip blinks, "What?" Chris facepalms.

**FROSTY FERRETS - SCENE: Mufasa's death**

Billy knelt by Clark's body, crying softly. Ether slowly approached him as he sniffled, "What do I do?"

"Run away, Simba. Run... Run away and never return" Ether replied sinisterly. Instantly, she snapped her fingers as Noah, Tyler and Lindsay appeared next to her in hyena costumes, "Kill him."

Instantly, Noah, Tyler and Lindsay chased Billy off the stage.

**BURNING BIRDS - SCENE: Mufasa's death:**

Philip knelt by Yumi's body, crying so hard he has to pull out his inhaler and breathe with it. Yumi suddenly springs to life and smashes a coconut cream pie in Philip's face.

Theo appears, "Runneth away, Simba. Runneth away and never come back!"

The knight snaps his fingers and Cody, Eva and DJ appear next to him in hyena costumes. Cody is giggling so hard at the terribly acted scene that he has tears in his eyes. "Kill him" Theo ordered.

Eva and DJ dashed after Philip while Cody burst into hysterical laughter.

**Cody (CC):** I guess I was perfect for the laughing hyena part, huh? Cause that was the worst acting I've ever seen!

**FROSTY FERRETS - SCENE: Hakuna Matata:**

Billy, Mary and Fred were on stage and Mary was wearing a meerkat mask while Fred wore a warthog one. Billy turned off and walked toward the desert when Mary spoke up, "Hey, where are you going?"

"Nowhere." Billy replied sadly.

Mary turned to Fred, "Gee, he sure looks blue."

"I DON'T KNOW BUT I'VE BEEN TO-" Fred started but Mary punched him in the arm, "No no no, I mean he's depressed.

"OH..." Fred shouted, marching up to Billy, "HEY KID, WHY ARE YOU SUCH A WUSS?"

Mary just glared at Fred, annoyed that he wasn't reading his lines correctly, "Nothing; he's at the top of the food chain!" The blue-haired rocker burst out laughing and then turned to Billy, "So where are you from, kid?"

"Who cares? I can't go back." Billy pouted sadly.

"Ahh. You're an outcast! That's great, so are we." Mary admitted.

"WHAT DID YOU DO?" Fred asked loudly.

"Something terrible. But I don't wanna talk about it." Billy replied.

Mary crossed her arms, "Good. We don't wanna hear about it. Look, kid. Bad things happen, and you can't do anything about it, right?"

"Right" Billy sighed.

Mary poked Billy in the chest, "Wrong! When the world turns its back on you, you turn your back on the world."

Billy crossed his arms, "Well, that's not what I was taught."

Mary smirked at Billy, "Then maybe you need a new lesson. Repeat after me: Hakuna Matata."

Billy shrugged, "What?"

Fred started marching in place, "I DON'T KNOW BUT I'VE BEEN TOL-"

Mary punched Fred in the gut, whipped out her electric guitar and started playing it and singing,

_Hakuna Matata!_  
_What a wonderful phrase_  
_Hakuna Matata!_  
_Ain't no passing craze_  
_It means no worries_  
_For the rest of your days_

_It's our problem-free_  
_Philosophy_  
_Hakuna Matata!_

*guitar solo*

**MARY (CC):** Maybe I was a little harsh on Fred, but his obnoxious military obsession gets on my last nerve.

**BURNING BIRDS - SCENE: Hakuna Matata:**

Philip, Adam and Janessa were on stage. Adam had a growling meerkat on his head while Janessa was holding a strip of bacon. Suddenly, the meerkat hissed and begins mauling Adam who runs around the stage, screaming like a little girl. Janessa throws her strip of bacon on the ground, "Screw this mainstream movie, yo. Go find someone more suited to Pumbaa's part, like Owen. Okay?"

Janessa marched off the stage as Philip repeatedly bashed his head against a tree.

**JANESSA (CC):** What a bunch of SHEEP! Can you say baa?

**ADAM (CC):** Ah hope ah don't git voted off cause of mah injuries...owww...

**FROSTY FERRETS - Scene: Stargazing:**

Billy, Mary and Fred were laying on the stage while gazing at the stars above when Billy let out a loud belch. Mary chuckled a bit, "Nice one, Simba."

"Thanks. Man, I'm stuffed." Billy replied.

_"_ME TOO, I ATE LIKE A PIG!" Fred shouted.

Mary rolled her eyes, "Pumbaa, you _are_ a pig."

"OH, RIGHT." Fred nodded, "MARY?"

Mary rolled her eyes, "Yeah?

"WHAT ARE THOSE SPARKLY DOT THINGS IN THE SKY?" Fred asked.

"They're fireflies. Fireflies that uh... got stuck up on that big... bluish-black... thing." Mary replied.

"OH GEE, I THOUGHT THEY WERE TANKS! WAR! GUNPOWDER! EXPLODING BODY PARTS! FRIENDLY FIRE! LANDMINES!" Instantly, Mary kicks Fred in the crotch.

**FRED (CC):** MY MASCULINITY IS BEING HURT BY A SALAD EATING WOMAN! I NEED MY BEEF JERKY FLAVORED ASPIRIN!

**BURNING BIRDS - SCENE: Stargazing:**

Philip, Adam and Owen were all laying on the stage gazing at the stars when Philip let out a small burp.

"Nice one." Adam chuckled.

Owen chuckled a little, "If you think that one was good, try this one on for size!"

Suddenly, Owen let out a massive, enormous fart that left Philip and Adam coughing uncontrollably.

**PHILIP (CC):** I am SO grateful Owen isn't a contestant this season!

**FROSTY FERRETS - SCENE: Simba and Nala's Argument:**

"Isn't this a great place?" Billy asked Chelsea.

"It _is_ beautiful. But I don't understand something. You've been alive _all_ this time. Why didn't you come back to Pride Rock?" Chelsea asked Billy.

Billy climbed into the vine hammock, "Well, I just needed to... get out on my own. Live my own life. And I did. And it's great."

"We've really needed you at home." Chelsea replied sadly.

"No one needs me." Billy replied.

"Yes, we _do!_ You're the _king."_ Chelsea shouted

"Nala, we've been through this. I'm not the king. Scar is." Billy replied, crossing his arms.

"Simba, he let the hyenas take over the Pride Lands." Chelsea said.

"What?" Billy blinked

"Everything's destroyed. There's no food. No water. Simba, if you don't do something soon, everyone will starve." Chelsea explained to Billy.

Billy rolled his eyes, "I can't go back. I've learned something out here: Hakuna Matata. It's something I learned out here. Look, sometimes bad things happen...and there's nothing you can do about it. So why worry?"

**BURNING BIRDS - SCENE: Simba and Nala's argument:**

"i-I-Isn't this a g-g-great place?" Philip trembled as he walked over to the vine hammock, pulled his inhaler out, took a breath and passed out from stage fright.

Olga rushed up to him, "We need medic person! Philip hurt!"

Chris rolled his eyes, "All right, all right. Trent will fill in for the role of Simba for the Burning Birds. Geez!"

**FROSTY FERRETS - SCENE: Simba meets Rafiki**

Billy tried walking away but Harold dressed as Rafiki kept following him. The 1950s teen glared at the Napoleon Dynamite nerd, "Creepy little monkey. Will you stop following me? Who are you?"

Harold got right in Billy's face, "The question is: Whooo... are you?"

Billy just shook his head in response, "I thought I knew. Now I'm not so sure..."

"I know who you are. Shhh...come here, it's a secret." Harold replied and began chanting:

_Asante sana!_  
_Squash banana!_  
_We we nugu!_  
_Mi mi apana!_

"ENOUGH ALREADY!" Billy shouted at Harold, "What's that supposed to mean, anyway?"

"Don't you speak Swahili? GOSH! It means you're a baboon and I'm not!" Harold replied.

Billy raised an eyebrow, " I think you're a little confused."

"Wrong. I'm not the one who's confused; you don't even know who you are." Harold replied mystically.

"Oh, and I suppose you know?" Billy replied.

Harold smirked, "Sure I do. You're Mufasa's boy!"

**HAROLD (CC):** It's too bad we didn't have a challenge like this back on Island. I did a pretty sweet job with Rafiki. I've always liked him for his mad skills.

**BURNING BIRDS - SCENE: Simba meets Rafiki:**

Trent and Duncan just stared at each other. Trent was dressed as Simba and Duncan as Rafiki. Trent just scratched his head, "Well...this is awkward. I'm supposed to fill Philip's role of Simba since he passed out."

"No kidding." Duncan replied, "We're not even competing in this season."

Trent shrugged, "How about we exit stage left?"

Duncan shrugged, "Eh...why not?"

Trent and Duncan left the stage.

**FROSTY FERRETS - SCENE: The Final Battle:**

Billy chases Ether up to the high point of Pride Rock. Ether runs up to the edge and sees the drop. Billy leaps and comforts her at the edge, "Murderer!"

"Simba, Simba. Please. Please have mercy. I beg you." Ether begged Billy.

Billy just glared at Ether, "You don't deserve to live."

"But, Simba, I am... ah...family. It's the hyenas who are the real enemy. It was their fault- it was their idea!" Ether replied nervously.

"Why should I believe you? Everything you ever told me was a lie." Billy replied, folding his arms.

"What are you going to do? You wouldn't kill your old Uncle...?" Ether asked smugly.

"No, Scar. I'm not like you." Billy replied sternly.

"Oh, Simba, thank you. You are truly noble. I'll make it up to you, I promise. How can I, ah, prove myself to you? Tell me; I mean, anything." Ether begged frantically.

"Run. Run away, Scar. And never return." Billy replied angrily.

Ether looked down and noticed some hot coals, "Yes. Of course. As you wish ...your Majesty!" And with that, Ether chuckled the coals in Billy's face and pounced on him. Billy and Ether are now in a physical fight with one another. Blows are exchanged but in the end, Billy tosses Ether off the stage and she gets up to see Lindsay, Noah and Tyler dressed in hyena costumes glaring at her.

"Hello, my friends." ether coughed weakly.

Lindsay rolled her eyes, "Friends? I thought you said we were the enemy!

"Yeah, that's what I heard." Noah replied, "What about you, Ed?"

Tyler let out an evil laugh and the three surround Ether as she speaks nervously, "No. L-L-L-Le-Le-Le-Le-Let me explain. No You don't understand. No! I didn't mean for... No, No. Look, I m sorry I called you... No! NOO!"

And with that the hyenas "devoured" Ether.

**BURNING BIRDS - SCENE: The Final Battle:**

*crickets chirp*

Chris scratches his head, "Uhhh...where's Simba?"

Gwen blinked, "Oh, you mean Trent? He's off on bathroom break."

Chris raised an eyebrow, "Oooookay then. Looks like the Burning Birds won't have a finale."

**THEO (CC):** Such a wasteth of fine talent!

Chris turned to the Frosty Ferrets and smiled at them, "Great job, everyone. You guys really put on a play! Rating the costumes, they all score 4 out of 5 stars except the Zazu costume which is only 2 out of 5 stars. That being said, your costume score is a total of 26! Now as for your performances: Billy, you did a good job with Simba. 4 out of 5 stars. Chelsea, your Nala was okay but it's good you toned down motormouth a bit. 3 out of 5 stars. Ether, good Scar. 4 out of 5 stars. Clark, your Mufasa was spot-on. 5 out of 5 stars. Mary, your Timon was the best performance of the night and you were totally cut out for that role. 5 out of 5 stars. Fred, your Pumbaa went too off script. 1 out of 5 stars. Tanner, nice Zazu it suits you. 4 out of 5 stars. The Frosty Ferrets have a total of...52 points! Burning Birds, let's see if you could beat that."

The Burning Birds patiently awaited as Chris judged them, "Philip, Yumi, Olga and Theo, ugly lion costumes, 1 out of 5 stars each. Adam, best Timon costume ever. It was so real, it even mauled you! 5 out of 5 stars. Janessa, a strip of bacon? Epic fail, 0 out of 5 stars. Luna, a feather? At least it's a blue one, 1 out of 5 stars. Your total costume score is...10 points. Now for your acting abilities: Philip, pathetic Simba. Stage fright and passing out. 1 out of 5 stars. Olga, you made a decent Nala, but work on your English. 3 out of 5 stars. Theo, your old English style Scar was spot on and the second best performance of the night. 5 out of 5 stars. Yumi, your Mufasa was a disaster. 0 out of 5 stars. Adam, it was funny watching you get mauled. 2 out of 5 stars. Janessa, you didn't even try. 0 out of 5 stars. Finally, Luna, Zazu does NOT need an evil laugh. 1 out of 5 stars. And that total leads to...22 points. Burning Birds, you lose. THE FROSTY FERRETS WIN THE CHALLENGE!" The Ferrets all cheered as they headed back to their cabin.

**MARY (CC):** I KNEW my Timon would totally win Chris over!

**CLARK (CC):** My fursuiting skills really came in handy for the challenge. I was glad I played a big role in helping my team win.

**FRED (CC):** I HOPE THE OTHER TEAM VOTES OFF A WOMAN SO SHE CAN STAY IN THE KITCHEN!

**CHELSEA (CC):** IGetToStayAnotherDayNowICanWorkOnMyNudeSculpturesOfTheOriginalTDICast.

Chris turned and faced the Burning Birds, "Burning Birds, decide which camper will be the third one blasted off in the Rocket Of Shame tonight. Oh and by the way, that show you put on was a COMPLETE disaster."

The 7 Burning Birds with the exception of Janessa and Yumi walked to the mess hall to discuss who to vote off. While they walked to the mess hall, Janessa headed straight for the girls side of the Burning Birds cabin. She opened the door, looked around and noticed Yumi's jacket laying idle on her bed, "Perfect..."

**JANESSA (CC):** That mainstream sheeple clown wouldn't know what hit her. I know I'll be the next one going if I don't take action.

Janessa grabbed the jacket and ran to the boys' side of the Burning Birds cabin and entered it. She pulled out a bunch of things from the pockets. The beatnik grabbed a coconut cream pie and smashed it on Theo's pillow. She then grabbed a jar of picke juice and dumped it all over Philip's bedsheets. Janessa's next move was to put a live skunk that crawled out of Yumi's jacket under Adam's bed. Surprisingly, the skunk was in a mellow mood and didn't spray her. She then grabbed some thumbtacks from Yumi's jacket and threw them out on the floor before pulling out a gold club and smashing the window. Finally, she put a single banana peel at the entrance of the boys cabin and smirked evilly, "It's time for the clown to go down!"

Meanwhile, Philip and Adam got up from the table in the mess hall and Philip turned to Olga, Luna and Theo, "Adam and I need some private talk, okay? The three of you decide who to vote off. Adam and I will be back in about 5 minutes."

Olga smiled at Philip, "Take all time you need, Philip. Olga in no hurry. Beside, Janessa next blast off. We all agree."

And with that, Philip and Adam stepped out pf the mess hall and into a clearing. Philip was the first to speak, "Adam, you know the drill. You give me the 100 dollars and I won't convince the others to vote you off. Think of me as your landlord, if you can't pay your rent, you're out on the street."

Adam blinked, "An exactly how would you convince them to vote me off?"

Philip rolled his eyes, "You were mauled by a meerkat, what if it was rabid? I could tell the others to vote you off for your own personal safety, you know."

Adam scratched the back of his neck as he forked over a 100 dollar bill to Philip, "Good point. But still, Janessa's the weakest link out of us."

**PHILIP (CC):** As attractive as I find Adam, I shouldn't let my romantic feelings get in the way. For starts, I don't even know if he's gay like I am and secondly, I'm here for the money and not the love. The money WILL go for a good cause, though.

Meanwhile, Yumi and Billy were sitting down, watching the sunset together. Billy let out a dreamy sigh, "It sure is real swell and keen here, Yumi. Who knows, maybe the two of us will make the finale?"

Yumi nodded as she put her arm around Billy and hugged him close. She then started tapping herself and just realized that she forgot her jacket.

Meanwhile, Janessa dashed up to Olga, Theo and Luna who were all gathered around the mess hall table. The beatnik was hot and sweaty and gasping for air, "You gotta call Philip and Adam quick. The Boys' side of the cabin looked like a thunderstorm hit it!"

Luna raised an eyebrow, "What were YOU doing on the boys' side cabin anyway?"

"I smelled a skunk and looked around and I saw a huge mess in the boys' cabin." Janessa explained, "Mainstream clown girl left her jacket at the scene of the crime."

Theo got up from the mess hall table, "Thy court jester's robe? Nae, ye can't be serious!"

"As serious as a heart attack, yo. Come on, follow me." Janessa replied. The four walked out of the cabin and Philip and Adam turned to see them walking in the direction of the cabin as Janessa led the way. Philip blinked, "Did something happen?"

Janessa nodded, "Yumi trashed your cabin, yo. It's a complete mess in there!"

Philip and Adam exchanged shocked glances and they all followed Janessa to the boys' side of the cabin. Adam quickly dashed in only to slip on a banana peel and fall on a bunch of thumbtacks. Theo dashed up to his bed and noticed a coconut cream pie smashed on his pillow. Philip examined his bed and the bedsheet was completely soiled with vinegar. Suddenly, a skunk ran out from Adam's bed and sprayed him before scampering out of the broken cabin window. Philip looked absolutely furious, "I just changed my mind on who I want to vote off..."

**JANESSA (CC):** Down with the clown! Down with the clown!

**THEO (CC):** Thy court jester hath committed treason! Off with thine head!

**LUNA (CC):** I don't care how badly Yumi trashed the boys' cabin, I want Janessa GONE!

**OLGA (CC):** Janessa mean person. Olga no like. Vote off.

To recap, here's the full cast list:

**FROSTY FERRETS:**  
Simba - Billy  
Nala - Chelsea  
Mufasa - Clark  
Scar - Ether  
Timon - Mary  
Pumbaa - Fred  
Zazu - Tanner

Sarabi - Sierra

Sarafina - Gwen

Rafiki - Harold

Shenzi - Lindsay

Banzai - Noah

Ed - Tyler

**BURNING BIRDS:**  
Simba - Philip (Replaced by Trent due to asthma attack)  
Nala - Olga  
Mufasa - Yumi  
Scar - Theo  
Timon - Adam  
Pumbaa - Janessa (Replaced by Owen due to ragequit)  
Zazu - Luna

Sarabi - Izzy

Sarafina - Heather

Rafiki - Duncan

Shenzi - Eva

Banzai - DJ

Ed - Cody


	9. The Lion Sleeps Tonight Part 3

The 7 remaining Burning Birds campers all sat at the bonfire ceremony on stumps. Chris just shook his head slowly at them, "Burning Birds, that was the WORST Lion King play I have ever seen. In fact, Dingo Pictures' Son Of The Lion King was a masterpiece compared to your so-called play. The costumes were a joke and the dialogue and acting were a mess. The only saving grace was Theo's performance as Scar. Burning Birds, you know the drill. 7 of you sit there but I only have 6 marshmallows on my plate. The camper who does not get a marshmallow must immediately walk the Launchpad of Shame and board the Rocket of Losers and you can't ever come back. Ever. With that being said, the first camper getting a marshmallow is...Theo. Congrats on your Scar performance."

The knight jogged up and skewed a marshmallow on his joust, "Thou is still in thy game!"

"Luna"

The witch got up and grabbed her marshmallow.

"Philip"

Philip breathed a sigh of relief, "Good, I'm not in the bottom this time."

"Olga"

The cavegirl got up and shared her marshmallow with Eep Eep.

"Adam"

The redneck inventor smiled as he claimed his marshmallow.

Only one marshmallow stood on the plate. Yumi, the clown looked nervous while Janessa, the beatnik just smugly smirked at it. Chris took a deep breath, "Campers, this is the final marshmallow of the night and this marshmallow goes to...

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

"Janessa"

The beatnik smirked as she received the final marshmallow and turned to the shocked clown girl, "See what happens when you're a mainstream clown, yo? Ya take the train to dragsville, dawg."

Yumi sighed and hung her head, slowly walking down the Launchpad of Shame. She turned around to face the other contestants, opened her jacket and a bunch of fireworks shot out of her pockets and into the sky, creating words that spelled out "JANESSA SUCKS."

Philip, Luna, Olga, Adam and Theo all looked impressed by the fireworks display while Janessa sat there with an angry scowl. Yumi slowly waved goodbye and walked into the rocket, the door closing behind her. Chef lit the fuse and the rocket blasted off in the direction of the Playa.

**THEO (CC):** I hath a feeling we maketh a terrible mistake voting off Yumi.

**OLGA (CC):** What happen? Olga sure Janessa go home, why she still here?

**JANESSA (CC):** I just be too cool to be voted off third, daddy-o. Only sheep get voted off before the merge. Besides, Yumi is a huge threat with those pockets of hers.

The male Burning Birds instantly knew of the mistake they made voting Yumi off after the fireworks display the clown treated them to. Janessa simply had a smug look on her face, as if mocking them for voting the wrong camper off. Adam just glared at Janessa, "How...how could ya frame her like that? Yumi was one of our strongest players!"

Janessa smirked, "Because clowns are squares. No way I'm gettin kicked off before a clown."

Philip sighed and shook his head, "At least she kind of made an effort unlike you!"

Janessa just laughed, "I'm too cool for effort, yo. I sit back and let the herd mentality work it out."

Luna just shook her head, "I ought to put a curse on that annoying hipster face of yours. You'll grow warts and look like a swamp monster!"

Janessa smirked, "I'd like to see ya try, you walking cliche. Anyway, I'm off to get some sleep. I hope our next challenge involves a coffee shop."

**LUNA (CC):** I'll put a curse on that bratty beatnik and give her eternal body odor!

Later that night, Adam knocked on the door of the male Frosty Ferrets cabin and Clark answered, "Yes?"

Adam sighed and shook his head, "Had a rough day, got mauled by a meerkat an our team lost. Got enough fabric to make a fox tail? I think I wanna try this whole spirit animal thing."

Clark shook his head, "Sorry, but I used the last of it for the costumes." The furry invited Adam inside and the inventor cringed a little as Fred shouted loud "I don't know but I've been told" cadences in his sleep. Clark reached under a pillow and pulled out a book, "This is a book that tells you all about spirit guides and totem animals. Are you ready to educate yourself on finding your inner beast?"

Adam rubbed his chin, "Ah'll think about it. Guess it wouldn't hurt to borrow it. Thanks, Clark."

Clark smiled, "You don't have to do this if you don't want to..."

Adam nodded, "Ah know, I'm just curious about it, that's all."

Clark smiled, "Well, whatever floats your boat. Just be sure to give it back next time the Burning Birds have a bonfire ceremony. My raccoon sense tells me Philip is a sneaky one. You never know when he may backstab you."

Adam chuckled a bit, "Ah'll keep that in mind but as long as I pay my rent to him, he should be happy. Thanks, Clark. Good night."

Clark smiled back as Adam exited the freezing cold cabin, "Good night to you too, Adam."

**CLARK (CC):** Pay his rent? What exactly is he talking about? Is Philip blackmailing him? Even if he is, there's nothing I can do about it since we aren't on the same team. Also, is it just me or is Adam's spirit animal really a skunk and not a fox? Oh well, I wish him the best of luck. Tókhi wániphika ní!

**Eliminated so far:** Ollie, Brittany, Yumi

**NOTE:** _Bit of a shocker to see Yumi blasting off so soon. However, the thing is I mainly created her for silent slapstick antics. As you can see from the first chapter, I intended for her to speak more but I decided to take the whole Charlie Chaplin mime path. Yumi was a strong competitor with that coat of hers but in the end, Janessa and her dirty hipsterness screwed the clown girl over. But don't worry, you'll soon be seeing Yumi along with Ollie in the aftermath hosted by Geoff and Bridgette. Brittany's not allowed on the aftermath because of the whole baby thing._


	10. Aftermath I

Geoff and Bridgette sat together on the central couch of the aftermath show as Geoff greeted the viewers with a grin, "Welcome to Total Drama Aftermath! You may remember Bridgette and I doing this back in Total Drama Action but now we're at it again for Total Drama Fire And Ice."

Bridgette nodded, "16 new campers have joined the Total Drama cast and they're nothing like we've ever seen before."

"A wicked witch, a raccoon kid, a cavegirl. Heck, even a teen mother!" Geoff listed off, "They're certainly a different bunch of campers compared to our season."

Bridgette nodded, "I'm sure this will be quite the season to remember. Anyway, onto our first guest of the night. He was the very first camper kicked off the island because of his bad smoking habit and obnoxious attitude. Everyone, welcome Ollie!"

The red-haired punk-looking teen walked out from behind a curtain and appeared to have a bong hanging out of his mouth and a satisfied smirk on his lips. Geoff just gaped in shock, "Dude, is that a bong?"

Ollie shrugged and spit out a cloud of meth, "So? Tobacco isn't the only thing I smoke, you know. I've smoked crack, weed, meth, you name it, I've smoked it!"

Bridgette rubbed her chin, "Uh...huh? Don't you know that smoking can cause cancer later in life?"

Ollie rolled his eyes, "Smoking causing cancer is a MYTH created by whiny non-smokers who can't handle the vapors! Everything I smoke comes from mother nature, babe."

Geoff crossed his arms, "Is there anything else you do with your time besides smoking?"

Ollie shrugged, "I sometimes go to hardware stores and huff paint. One time a worker at a store caught me and told me not to so I hacked a big, paint filled loogie and spat on his shirt. I was banned from the store for life."

Bridgette cringed, "I can see why. Isn't there anything you'd like to do with your life? What do you parents think of you?"

Ollie smirked, "A couple of Christian killjoys who sent me to Sunday school. I was spanked by a nun for using the holy water as an ashtray but it was totally worth it. I also spit some tobacco on that nun's glasses. You shoulda seen the look on her face! And what do I want to do with my life? Simple, open a cigarette factory and start a new law that bans Nicorette gum and those totally lame e-cigarettes."

Ollie just laughed and blew into his bong. Bridgette frowned, "I can see why you were the first one kicked off."

Geoff raised an eyebrow, "Don't you know there's more important things in life than getting high and smoking?"

Ollie scoffed, "There's nothing quite like the feeling of a cigarette pressed between your lips. If I could break any world record, I'd go for most cigarettes smoked in a lifetime."

Bridgette cringed, "I don't even know if there's a record for that and I surely don't want to find out."

Geoff smiled, "Anyway, we've got some fanmail from a flounder. Ollie, Trisha would like to ask you a question!"

A large screen TV came down and a pink haired punk girl appeared on it, "Hey Ollie, have you ever tried smoking multiple drugs at once to get the ultimate high? I did that once and it was crazy!"

Ollie smirked, "See this water pipe? One time I smoked tobacco, weed, meth, crack and cocaine all at the same time in it and boy oh boy was it fun. You should try adding some paint to huff afterwards, it will take you to some amazing places!"

Bridgette rolled her eyes, "Yeah, like the emergency room."

The fanmail ended and Geoff crossed his arms, "So Ollie, what's it like over at the playa?"

Ollie shrugged, "There's Wi-Fi internet access so I ordered a few packs of smokes. By the time they arrive, the competition will probably be over, though. In the meantime, I'm huffing the cleaning products and trying to get high off the pool chlorine over there."

Geoff raised an eyebrow, "Yeeeeeah...anyway, we got another fanmail for you. It's from a 70 year old man named Joseph. Let's see what he wants to ask you."

Geoff clicked a button and an old man with a hole in his throat appeared on TV and he spoke in a weak, damaged voice, "Is it really worth it, Ollie? I've been smoking all my life and I've wound up with a hole in my throat. I've been diagnosed with lung cancer and the doctor says-"

"Don't want to hear it, old fart." Ollie interrupted Joseph as he flashed him a middle finger, "Lung cancer from smoking is a myth and you're too old to be wearing Halloween costumes so go back to your room and watch some Jeopardy and put your dentures in a glass."

Joseph shook his head, "You'll regret those words, Ollie. Lung cancer happens when you least expect it..."

Ollie rolled his eyes, "Screw off, old timer. You're just jealous that I'm young and not a senile old fart like you."

The fanmail ended and Geoff and Bridgette just gaped at Ollie in shock. Geoff folded his arms, "Not cool, dude."

Ollie rolled his eyes, "Whatever, he's just a stupid old guy with ham sandwich breath. Like I even care."

Geoff cleared his throat a bit, "Oh, well. Onto our next guest. She disturbed her teammates with her contant breastfeeding, brought her baby to Total Drama Island and chucked him in the river to become the next Casey Anthony. Everyone, welcome Brittany!"

There was a dead silence and Bridgette tapped Geoff on the shoulder, "Uh...she was arrested and taken to prison. She's banned from Total Drama for life."

Geoff scratched his head and chuckled a bit, "Well, in that case let's say hello to our next guest. She talked at first but then became a silent slapstick gag. Plus, she put out a forest fire using an entire swimming pool. Everyone, welcome Yumi!"

The Japanese clown girl stepped out from behind the curtain and the audience exploded into a loud applause. Yumi then walked over to an armchair and sat in it while Ollie walked over and sat in the peanut gallery. Bridgette smiled at the clown, "So Yumi, what was it like on Total Drama Island?"

Yumi shrugged, "It was fun while it lasted, but it was also pretty brutal. I didn't get really close to anyone except for Billy but Olga seemed nice. Luna was a little strange but I liked her better than Janessa. All Janessa did was complain about mainstream stuff and the absence of coffee shops before she sabotaged me out of the game."

Geoff nodded, "Janessa is a jerk. With that attitude, I doubt she'd last much longer."

Bridgette smiled at Yumi, "You know, one thing really bugs me. Why did you speak in the first episode yet put on a pantomime act in the second and third ones?"

Yumi shrugged, "I did it for the sake of comedy. Silent slapstick is one of my favorite forms of comedy and I'm a big Charlie Chaplin fan. I figured my pantomime routine would lighten the mood on the island cause things got kinda dark and heavy. Especially after the whole Brittany incident with the other team and all."

Bridgette nodded, "Brittany never should've had a baby in the first place, let alone bring it on the island."

Geoff nodded, "The less said about her the better. Anyway, how did it feel getting voted off so soon, Yumi?"

Yumi shook her head, "Disappointing but at the same time, I felt relieved that I get to relax at the playa while Janessa is still going through hell in the game."

Geoff raised an eyebrow, "By the way, what's it like sharing the playa with Ollie?"

Yumi shrugged, "He must've ran out of cigarettes when I got there because I saw him huffing some paint thinner at the closet."

Bridgette blinked, "You didn't stop him?"

Yumi shrugged, "He cursed me out when I tried stopping him so I just let him huff away til he passed out and then I called the medics. The first thing he did when they revived him was try to get high off the pool chlorine."

"What an idiot." Geoff groaned as Ollie flipped him the bird from the peanut gallery.

Bridgette smiled, "Anyway, we have some fanmail for you, Yumi. This one is from a guy named Chad."

A screen came down and on it appeared a blonde haired kid with blue eyes, "Hi, Yumi. I was wondering: How did you fit an entire swimming pool in your jacket like that? Cause that was SO cool the way you put out the fire like that!"

Yumi smiled at Chad, "Along with being a clown, I'm also a part-time magician. I can hide many things inside my jacket, even a humpback whale! It's all sleight of hand, a magician never reveals her secrets!"

Geoff opened up an envelope and pulled out a message, "Looks like you've got more fanmail. This one reads: Dear Yumi, my little brother is really terrified of clowns ever since he saw Stephen King's It. How do I get him to stop being afraid? -Alyson"

Yumi smiled, "Well, Alyson, the best way would to be to tell your brother that clowns are just ordinary humans wearing makeup and colorful costumes. We're not out to kill and eat little children. Well...the clowns that aren't John Wayne Gacy, that is. He's a whole different story!"

Bridgette shivered a little, "No kidding!"

Geoff just raised an eyebrow, "Yeah...I don't think mentioning a serial killer would help the kids feel safe from clowns. Anyway, we have one more segment before we close and it is called Lost Confessionals. These are confessionals that were never aired on the show for whatever reason. So sit back, grab some popcorn and enjoy!"

A tv screen pops down and some clips are shown on it:

**BRITTANY (CC):** *she is flopping her breasts around while singing* My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard...

**CLARK (CC):** *He is nuzzling a Rocket Raccoon plushie* Oh Rocket...you are SOOOOO hot I could just yiff you! Oh, murr...*licks his plushie*

**ROCKET RACCOON (CC):** There is no way in hell I'm letting that Goodyear Blimp yiff me. He'd have to get past my blaster first...*long awkward silence* That didn't come out right. Damn, why must this confession cam be so damn awkward? Whose bright idea was it to put a confessional in a frickin' outhouse?

**JANESSA (CC):** *she is dancing and singing along to One Direction*

**FRED (CC):** I AM REALLY REALLY PISSED OFF WE DON'T GET CABLE HERE. I'M MISSING RERUNS OF CARE BEARS AND I NEED TO SEE THEM RIGHT NOW! FUNSHINE BEAR IS MY FAVORITE AND IT IS THE PERFECT PROGRAM TO WATCH WHILE EATING GUNPOWDER FLAVOR BEEF JERKY!

**LUNA (CC):** Witches are known for warts...*long awkward pause*...yes, even anal warts and hemorrhoids. I should really work on a magic elixir to cure MY hemorrhoids.

"Clark wants to yiff Rocket Raccoon and Luna has a hemorrhoid problem? Ewwww! Well, that's all the time we have for today!" Geoff said, "When three more campers get voted off, we'll see you for another series of heart-to-heart chats only on Total Drama Aftermath!"

Bridgette scratched her head, "That's weird? How did Rocket Raccoon wind up in the confessional?"

Geoff shrugged, "Crossovers, Bridge. Chris Maclean probably paid Rocket to say it."

Bridgette just shrugged, "I guess that answers my question."

**GROOT (CC):** I AM GROOT!


	11. Return Of Phobia Factor Part 1

**NOTE:** _Here it is...everyone's favorite challenge. It's PHOBIA FACTOR time!_

Chris stood on the docks at midnight, facing the camera, "Last time on Total Drama Fire And Ice, we had an acting challenge where contestants took on the role of Lion King characters. Clark cried like the pathetic weird furry he was and got zapped and Fred went off script. Janessa ragequit and Philip suffered an asthma attack from stage fright. What a pussy! Haha. In the end, the birds lost with their trainwreck of a performance and Janessa pulled a Scott on Yumi and sabotaged her out of the game. Yumi was clown and out and the third camper voted off the island but not before creating a flashy fireworks display saying that Janessa sucks. Now 13 unlucky campers remain. What will happen now that the clown is gone? Will Billy cry like a baby? Find out now, only on Total Drama Fire And Ice!"

* I wanna be famous theme song*

In the male's side of the Frosty Ferrets cabin, Tanner's eyes snapped open and he peered across the room to see Clark sitting cross-legged on the bottom bunk in some sort of meditative state. He could make out a faint chittering noise coming from Clark that was somewhat drowned out by Fred's loud snoring. Suddenly, Clark opened his eyes and his pupils had a strange, nocturnal glow to them. Tanner blinked a few times and rubbed his eyes for about 6 seconds. When he opened them, he saw Clark nuzzling against his Sly Cooper plushie. The doctor took a deep breath.

**TANNER (CC):** Did Clark's eyes just...tapetum lucidum? And those noises he made. No...it can't be. Fred's snoring has been keeping me up to the point where I've started seeing things. But still...I wonder...

Hours later, the sun rose on Camp Wawanakwa and Fred sprung awake, banging a pot with a spoon loudly, "LOOK ALIVE, SOLDIERS! WE'RE GOING TO DO OUR NEXT CHALLENGE!"

Clark rubbed the sleep from his eyes, "Yeah, just so you know, Fred. You're not the host of this show."

"SHUT UP, WEIRD RACCOON KID AND GO BACK TO YOUR GIRLY SEWING!" Fred shot back.

Tanner let out a loud yawn, "The Burning Birds lost last time, I wonder who they kicked off."

Clark shrugged, "I wouldn't be surprised to see Janessa gone. I mean, all she did was complain about everything being too mainstream and she called everyone sheep and even quit the challenge."

Suddenly, Billy burst through the door with tears rolling steadily down his face, he climbed up to his bunk above Clark's bed, buried his face into his pillow and sobbed.

Tanner let out a sigh, "I guess that answers our question."

**TANNER (CC):** I know Billy is sad that Yumi's gone but on the bright side, there's no more clown on the island.

Instantly, Fred sprung up from bed and climbed up the bunk that Billy and Clark shared, grabbed Billy off the top bunk and threw him to the ground, "MEN DON'T CRY! STOP FAKE CRYING! ONLY BABIES AND WOMEN CRY! ESPECIALLY BABY-WOMEN!"

Suddenly, Clark grabbed Fred off the ladder with all his strength and pinned him to the wall, "I am FED UP with you're SENSELESS bullying of Billy! Just because he likes baseball gives you NO RIGHT to whip him into a fighting machine against his WILL. So you WILL STOP this instant or so help me God, I WILL MAUL you!"

Fred started whimpering, "mommy...mommy...get the scawwy waccoon away fwum me..."

Tanner blinked a few times, "I think you broke him, Clark. Good job putting him in his place."

Clark smiled, "Thanks. By the way, why are you so scared of clowns?"

Tanner shook his head, "It's a very personal and scarring story and I'd rather not talking about it. Brings back bad memories. Worst day of my childhood. By the way, is there anything you're scared of, Clark?"

Clark nodded, "Giant squid give me the chills."

Tanner raised an eyebrow, "Funny, I thought you were really into nature and animals."

Clark shook his head, "Squid are a completely different story for me. The creepy eyeballs, the tentacles. I feel uneasy if I stumble across any tentacle porn pics on FurAffinity. There's just something so terrifying and alien about squid to me."

Billy sniffled back his salty tears and joined in on the conversation, "I'm scared of Jack O Lanterns. Ever since my big sister told me the Legend Of Sleepy Hollow, I stopped going trick or treating because I was afraid the pumpkins would come to life and cut my head off. I don't even eat pumpkin pie at Thanksgiving cause of it."

Fred just laughed, "SCARED OF PUMPKINS? WHAT A WUSS! THAT'S ALMOST AS BAD AS BEING SCARED OF SANTA CLAUS!"

Clark rolled his eyes, "You think you're so tough, Fred. Aren't you afraid of anything? You know, like a good mauling?" The furry retracted his claws and left a good, long set of scratch marks on the wall of the cabin.

Tanner's blood ran cold, "Uhhhh...Clark, did you just?"

Clark shrugged, "My nails? They've always been like this. Why do you ask, Tanner?"

Tanner just shook his head rapidly, "Nevermind."

Billy cleared his throat a little, "You know, whenever I get scared, I go to the diner and drink a nice, chocolate milkshake to help calm me down."

Fred suddenly looked terrified, "DON'T SAY IT!"

Billy blinked, "Say what?"

"THE M WORD! I HATE IT! IT'S REALLY GROSS AND CREEPY AND IT COMES FROM GIRLY GIRL COWS AND NOT FROM MANLY MAN COWS!" Fred shouted.

Tanner scratched his head, "Milk?"

"I TOLD YOU NOT TO SAY IT, PHARMACY NERD!" Fred shouted at Tanner.

"You can't even enjoy a bowl of cereal in the morning?" Clark asked Fred.

Fred crossed his arms, "NO, I EAT GUNPOWDER FLAVORED STEAK FOR BREAKFAST WHILE I WRESTLE A BEAR CAUSE IT IS MANLY!"

Tanner raised an eyebrow, "Ooookay, then."

**CLARK (CC):** Fred. Afraid of milk. Because it comes from female cows? Freud would have a field day with this guy!

**BILLY (CC):** Gee whiz, that's actually a really lame fear.

**FRED (CC):** THE MAJOR FOOD GROUPS FOR MEN ARE BULLETS, GUNPOWDER, STEAK AND BEEF JERKY! ONLY WOMEN EAT VEGETABLES AND ONLY FAT WOMEN EAT SWEETS!

Meanwhile, on the girls' side of the Frosty Ferrets cabin, Ether let out a loud, earsplitting shriek, waking up Mary and Chelsea. She pointed to where a rat was scampering across the floor, "A rat! A rat! Kill it! Kill it! Kill it!"

Mary rolled her eyes, "You woke us up for THAT? Seriously, Ether. It's just a cute little rat. It's not like it will grab a steak knife and stab you to death in your sleep. Leave it be."

Ether shivered a bit, "But, it's a rat and rats are evil and the spawn of Satan!"

Mary shook her head, "The Spawn Of Satan that happens to make one of the coolest pets. I had a good friend who kept pet rats. They were actually very clean and a lot of fun to play with."

"Was he a Satanist?" Ether asked, shivering.

Mary shook her head, "No, he was Catholic, actually. Just because someone has a creepy animal as a pet doesn't make them a devil worshipper."

Suddenly, Ether whipped an emery board out of her purse and started using it to file her nails. Mary blinked, "What are you doing?"

"I always file my nails when I'm nervous." Ether admitted.

Mary blinked again, "Well, could you please stop doing it with THAT thing? Emery boards make my skin crawl, I hate them and the texture makes me want to throw up. I can't stand be be in the same room as someone filing their nails with one. Can you please file your nails outside or better yet, use a metal file instead?"

"Sorry." Ether shook her head, "I'll go out and file them away from you."

And so, the religious girl left the cabin and Mary turned to face Chelsea, "You know, this makes me wonder, is there anything you're scared of, Chelsea?"

"IReallyReallyReallyHatePorcelainDollsOneTimeWhenIWasLittleIMetMyAuntForTheVeryFirstTimeAndSheHadASuperBigCollectionOfCreepyPorcelainDollsInHerClosetAndTheyWereAllStaringAtMeAndTryingToEatMySoulItWasMegaScary!" Chelsea explained.

Mary blinked, "I'm not a big fan of porcelain dolls myself. They're way too girly for my taste but I'm not afraid of them."

"ThereWasThisOneThatLookedALotLikeEtherAndISwearTheThingWasPureEvil." Chelsea replied rapidly.

"You realize dolls can't hurt you and that's only in Hollywood, right Chelsea?" Mary asked.

Chelsea nodded, "IKnowButTheyStillSeriouslyGiveMeTheCreeps."

Mary just groaned, "It's gonna be a looooong day..."

**MARY (CC):** Emery boards are completely vile, okay? Whoever invented them, I'd be more than happy to smash his or her face in with my guitar.

**ETHER (CC):** Redwall is furfag stories but even I agree with it that rats are evil.

**CHELSEA (CC):** CantSleepDollsWillEatMeCantSleepDollsWillEatMeCantSleepDollsWillEatMe...

Meanwhile, the females on the Burning Birds cabin had just gotten up but it was just Luna and Olga as they had locked Janessa out of the cabin for the night. Suddenly, an angry Janessa started banging on the door, "Let me in, yo! I had to sleep outside with those stupid bugs last night!"

**JANESSA (CC):** Man, yo. My teammates be uncool sheep, I had to sleep outside just cause I cheated mainstream clown girl out of the game. Damn moths, creepy as hell and drive me crazy, yo. Imma practice a new slam on why my team sucks...

Olga just giggled, "We let you in but only if Janessa say sorry."

"Screw that, yo. Apologies are for uncool mainstream sheep. I'm too cool for that!" Janessa replied from the other side.

Olga shrugged, "Then we no let you in, right Luna?"

Luna nodded, "Of course. By the way, Janessa, I moved Midnight's litterbox on your bed so your bed smells like cat urine now!"

"YOU DID WHAT?!" Janessa pounded from the other side, "NOT COOL, DADDY-O! I don't need no mainstream witch's cat stinkin' up my bed!"

"If it makes you feel better, I trained her to fart on your pillow." Luna replied.

"Awwww, hell no! Stupid Macbeth Republican soccer mom Halloween witch-sheep. I'll write a really REALLY nasty slam about you, dawg. Just you wait!" Janessa shouted from the other side. Olga and Luna burst out laughing and high fived each other.

**LUNA (CC):** Republican soccer mom? What on Earth is she babbling on about? Oh well, Midnight left some butt-chocolate for her as a gift. I hope she likes it in her coffee!

**OLGA (CC):** Yumi may go but Luna Olga's friend. We make good team together. Janessa stand no chance!

Luna cleared her throat and spoke up, "By the way, Olga. I was thinking. You're pretty strong and brave. Isn't there anything that you're afraid of?"

Olga nodded, "Me no like see-through up and down thingies where you step in and go up."

Luna blinked, "Glass elevators?"

Olga blinked, "Is that what thingies called? Olga no like them. Go up too high, see ground way way below, people look like ants. Feel sick. What Luna scared of?"

"Holy water." Luna replied, "I'm a witch and I start melting if I get it on me. I have a good reason to be scared of it."

"Were you scared of it before witch?" Olga asked.

"Not really, no. The witchy darkness corrupted my soul and now I'm allergic to holy water. Go fig." Luna replied, "Funny thing is, I have a strong immune system so most toxic plants don't even faze me."

Meanwhile, on the boys' side of the Burning Birds cabin, Philip and Theo were cleaning out the cabin together. Philip was changing the sheets from his bed while Theo used a broom to sweep the thumbtacks out of the cabin. The knight turned to Philip and smiled, "Thy traps hath been swept away. It is safe to cometh down."

Philip smiled, "Good, I really hate sharp, pokey things like tacks. Porcupines are pretty annoying, too. But the worst? Saguaro cacti. Just looking at one sends chills down my spine."

Theo blinked, "Cacti?"

"You know, they're these hundred year old green plants covered in thorns with big, long arms. I had a pretty bad encounter with one when I was little." Philip replied.

"What happeneth to thou?" Theo asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Well, one time my family took a trip to the Grand Canyon and I got lost from my parents. I ran around, trying to look for them and bumped face first into a saguaro cactus. Next thing I know, I have needles stuck in my face and I look up and see this big, scary, green thorny tree towering over me. It scared me so bad and I was crying so hard and loud that I alerted a park ranger. He took me back to my parents and they rushed me to the hospital. The doctors had to use credit cards to scrape the needles off my face. There was a lot of blood and I nearly had an asthma attack from the panic." Philip explained, "Ever since then, I've been terrified of cactus, especially large ones."

Theo shivered, "That soundeth like a painful story, Sir Philip. Me? I don't feareth dragons cause my armor is fireproof. But wolves? They are very terrifying! Wolves travel in packs unlike dragons and unlike dragons, they goeth for thine throat. Wolves be a ruthless bunch."

Suddenly, Adam burst in the door and his whole body smelled like tomato juice, "Sure hope I got the skunk scent offa me. I hear the girls locked Janessa outta the cabin. If ya ask me, she had it comin' to her."

Philip smirked a little, "Serves her right for framing one of our strongest players."

Theo turned to Adam, "By thine way Sir Adam, what doth you fear? I'm afraid of wolves and Sir Philip is afraid of thine cactus plants. What doth your fear be?"

"The sight an smell of blood makes me sick to may stomach." Adam admitted, "Makes me wanna vomit an I can't watch most slasher flicks or even get mah blood drawn cause of my fear."

"So, I take it you don't like vampire novels, do you?" Philip asked.

Adam shook his head, "Twilight is the worst, literary garbage is what it is."

Philip nodded, "Yeah, I've always found the idea of sparkly vampires to be pretty dumb."

Theo scratched his helmet, "I hath no idea vampires sparkled? I always thought they were dark creatures of thy night."

"Well, it ain't vampires that creep me out so much as blood itself. I just can't handle the stuff." Adam replied, frowning.

**PHILIP (CC):** Cacti, wolves and blood...what an interesting bunch of fears we have...

**THEO (CC):** All thine nightmares happeneth to be about wolves...

**ADAM (CC):** Ah hate havin' mah blood drawn. They gotta blindfold me BEFORE they jab the needle in me!

Suddenly, Chris Maclean's voice blared over the loudspeaker, "13 unlucky campers remain. Report to the mess hall and after breakfast, I'll explain your challenge."

The 13 campers all filed into the mess hall and Billy sighed and hung his head, "It's just not a camp anymore without Yumi..."

Tanner placed his hand on Billy's shoulder, "It's okay, Billy. She'd want you to go on. Everything will be all right, okay?"

Janessa suddenly smirked and walked up to Billy, "Crying cause you miss your clown-sheep honey, eh? Must be dragsville for you, Billy."

Luna suddenly appeared from behind Janessa and slapped the back of her head, "Why don't you make yourself useful for once and stop whining and playing those stupid bongos?"

Mary nodded, "It's none of my business but Luna has a point, Janessa. If you were on our team, you'd get voted off pretty fast."

Janessa rolled her eyes, "Like I even care, sheeple hair metal glam rock girl. Why don't you start playing acid jazz instead of that 80s radio trash."

Mary shrugged, "Because I find acid jazz boring. It just doesn't have the energy to make me dance. No catchy choruses, no heavy metal guitar solos. If you ask me, acid jazz is stoner music."

Janessa just gasped, "Take. That. Back."

Mary folded her arms, "Make me, you coffee-sipping bitch."

Suddenly, Janessa lunged at Mary but soon found herself overpowered when the taller girl put her into a headlock and shoved her to the ground. "YAY, CATFIGHT!" Fred cheered, "I LOVE IT WHEN TWO SALAD EATERS GET INTO A FIGHT!"

Clark simply replied by punching Fred in the arm. Theo ran up and got between Mary and Janessa, "Now thy maidens behave thineselves. No one will die-eth on my watch."

Mary and Janessa caled down and the beatnik glared at the rocker, "I WILL crush you when the merge comes, you Joan Jett poser. Mark my words."

Mary just chuckled a bit, "If you even make it that far, which I doubt you will. And by the way, I model my physical image after Alissa White-Gluz, not Joan Jett. Learn your rockers, you Judy Funnie knockoff." Janessa simply flipped Mary off and returned to the Burning Birds table.

Just then, Chris walked into the mess hall and faced the 13 campers, "I hope you've all enjoyed breakfast because this time, you're all going to face your worst fears!"

Philip blinked, "What exactly are you talking about?"

"Well, you see, there are hidden cameras in your cabins and they caught your conversations so we all know everything you say and do. Luna, interesting idea to make an elixir with your cat's urine and Clark, I get a good laugh when you jerk off to your Rocket Raccoon comics while everyone else is asleep."

Clark blushed and let out a shocked gasp, "Wait, WHAT?!"

Mary put her hand on Clark's shoulder, "It's okay, Clark. I understand. I've had my own share of naughty thoughts involving fictional characters..."

**CHRIS (CC):** Singling out fat campers like Clark and Luna is SO much fun!

**ETHER (CC):** Yiff in hell, Clark!

**MARY (CC):** Was that REALLY necessary?

Billy shivered a bit, "Gee whiz, so you were listening in on us?"

Chris nodded, "Of course I was."

Chelsea squealed with joy, "CouldYouPleaseSendMeSomeStillsOfTheSurveillanceFootageOfTheNakedCampersSoICouldPostItUpOnMyDeviantartAccountDedicatedEntirelyToNudity?"

Chris shivered a bit, "You are one sick little perv, Chelsea. And no, I won't send you naked freeze frames of your fellow campers for the sake of art. Anyway, Clark, I heard you're afraid of giant squid. I have an aquarium tank out back and I have a friend named Mister Tentacles who would LOVE to meet you. He loves the taste of nerds, ESPECIALLY furries! Olga, it's a good thing I've got a glass elevator installed at my mansion because you're gona ride it! Billy, it's trick or treating time. And Tanner, I've got a special present for you!"

Chris clicked a button on his remote and Japanese Ronald McDonald appeared on the TV, "Hambaga, Hambaga, Ran Ran RUUUUUUUU!"

"NOOOOOOO!" Tanner shouted as he gazed in horror at the clown on the TV.

**TANNER (CC):** What have we gotten ourselves INTO?

"Your challenge starts in 10 minutes. I'm going to go make a few adjustments. You guys wait right here and I'll be back." Chris spoke before exiting the mess hall while laughing maniacally.

**JANESSA (CC):** I gotta face moths AGAIN? Uncool, daddy-o!

To recap, here are the fears each contestant must face:

Adam - Blood  
Billy - Jack-o'-lanterns  
Chelsea - Porcelain dolls  
Clark - Giant squid  
Ether - Rats  
Fred - Milk  
Janessa - Moths  
Luna - Holy water  
Mary - Emery boards  
Olga - Glass elevators  
Philip - Saguaro cactus  
Tanner - Clowns  
Theo - Wolves


	12. Return Of Phobia Factor Part 2

The sun shone down on the camp as Ether gazed nervously at the cardboard box. Inside it was a large swarm of squeaking rats. Clark blinked, "You're scared of rats? Not all rats are bad like Redwall rats. There's Justin from Secret Of NIMH, he's as noble and yiffable as can be and let's not forget the adorable Remy from Ratatouille."

"Those are cartoon rats, I'm talking about live ones!" Ether replied.

"All Ether has to do is stick her hand in the box and let a rat crawl on her." Chris explained.

Mary folded her arms, "Come on, Ether, they're not as germy as you think they are!"

Tanner nodded, "Rats have been used for scientific research and are known to be quite clean and intelligent."

Ether shivered, "Science says they are clean but Jesus says they're evil."

Clark folded his arms, "If Jesus said rats were evil, Noah would've never let them on the ark in the first place."

Mary nodded, "Clark has a good point, Ether."

Fred folded his arms, "JUST GO TOUCH THE RATS ALREADY, YOU WIMPY SALAD EATING WOMAN!"

Ether took a deep breath and stuck her arm in the box. Instantly, she felt a rat skitter up her arm. She looked down and saw it's whiskered, pointy snout just inches from her face and she let out a loud scream, tossing the rat to the ground.

"And Ether wins a point for the Ferrets!" Chris announced. The ferrets all cheered for the point.

5 minutes later, Luna was getting ready to face her fear for the Birds. She nervously stood in front of an inflatable kiddie pool as it was being filled with water and a Catholic priest stood if front of it saying a prayer. "After the water is blessed, Luna must stand in it for a total of 10 seconds to earn her team a point." Chris explained.

"Our father who art in heaven , hallowed be thy name..." The priest begun as he shook his crucifix over the kiddie pool. Olga put her hand on the witch's soldier, "Olga know you can do it. Eep Eep know, too."

Janessa just chuckled and tapped her bongos in slam poetry, "Stereotypical Halloween witch...scared of holy water...what a sheep, yo."

Luna glared at Janessa, "You keep that up and I'll put a curse on your bongos that will make your hands fall off!"

Janessa smirked, "Just try, you walking cliche. I dare you."

"Double double toil and trouble-" Luna began casting a spell.

"Luna the pool is finished and the challenge is ready!" Chris announced.

Luna just glared at Janessa, "I'll deal with you, later, you annoying hipster!"

The witch took a deep, shaky breath and stared at the kiddie pool, "Okay...for the team...I can do this..."

Luna stepped forward into the pool of blessed water and stood in it. 10 seconds passed and the time was up. The witch stepped out of the kiddie pool, trembling with fear.

"And the birds score a point!" Chris announced. 5 minutes later, Billy put on a bedsheet ghost costume with eyeholes and was carrying a trick or treat bucket. He was shivering uncontrollably as he stood in front of the mess hall which was decorated with jack-o'-lanterns. Tanner put his hand on Billy's shoulder, "Just remember, Billy. Pumpkins can't hurt you."

"And if they do, I'll maul them into pumpkin pie!" Clark joked.

Mary burst out laughing at Clark's joke while Tanner rolled his eyes, "Seriously, Clark?"

Clark snickered a bit, "Mary thought it was funny."

"ThisRemindsMeOfThatTimeICrashedTheHollywoodHalloweenBallByPullingDownKeanuReevesPantsAndSnappingABunchOfPhotosOfHisDingDongBeforeBeingEscortedAwayBySecurityGuards." Chelsea blurted out.

Mary, Clark, Ether and Tanner just stared at the albino without a word. Suddenly, Fred ran up to Billy and shoved him, "GET YOUR FEAR OVER WITH SO WE DON'T LOSE, YOU GIRLY VACUUM CLEANER AARDVARK WHO PRETENDS TO BE A BOY!"

Billy just whined and slowly approached the door and Chris jumped out with a terrifying jack-o'-lantern mask and a scythe. Billy let out a horrified scream and made a mad dash away from the mess hall. "And the Ferrets don't get a point because Billy wasn't able to get his candy."

**BILLY (CC):** Jeepers! Now I'm even MORE terrified of pumpkins!

5 minutes later, Theo stood at the amphitheater stage, literally quaking in his armor as Chef held the fuzziest, most adorable little wolf pup in his arms. Olga let out a loud squeal of delight, "IT SOOOOO CUTE! Can Olga give it name? Olga call it Tico!"

Theo shivered in his armor, "But...it...is...thine...bloodthirsty beast! It shall eateth us all!"

Philip rolled his eyes, "It's the cutest little puppy on the planet, Theo. It's not going to hurt you."

Luna nodded, "I use wolf fur in a few of my spells. The oily musk mixes well with the toadstools for youth spells."

"All you gotta do is take off your armor gloves and pet it on the head and get a point." Chris explained.

"Taketh off thou armor and pet thine wolf?!" Theo asked with shock.

"Ya gotta help win a point for us!" Adam replied.

"Olga think it adorable! Seem friendly enough." Olga said.

Shaking, the knight removed his glove armor and approached the wolf cub. He cringed as it looked up at him with soft, adorable eyes and he slowly patted the fuzzy pup on the head, earning a lick.

"Theo scores a point for the Burning Birds!" Chris announced.

**THEO (CC):** Never...again...*shivers*

**TICO (CC):** Auroooooooo! *sneezes cutely*

**OLGA (CC):** Olga want take Tico home with her. Wonder if Tico get along with Eep Eep.

5 minutes later, Mary is sitting at a table with an emery board on it. The rocker cringed, "I seriously have to file my nails?"

"DON'T LOOK SO SURPRISED, IT'S SOMETHING THAT ALL SALAD EATING WOMEN DO!" Fred blurted out.

Clark rolled his eyes, "Your sexism is getting really old, Fred. It was cute the first couple of days, now its wearing on our nerves."

Mary nodded, "Clark's right, it is getting pretty boring."

Fred crossed his arms, "I'M NOT BORING! I SHOOT GUNS AND WRESTLE BEARS WHILE EATING GUNPOWDER. THAT'S NOT BORING!"

Clark just flashed his claws at Fred, causing the loudmouth drill instructor to start whimpering. The furry rolled his eyes, "Crying over a raccoon? Oh, SO manly of you."

"YouCanFileYourNailsMaryIKnowYouCanDoIt!" Chelsea encouraged, hopping up and down.

Mary took a deep breath and grabbed the emery board slowly. Trembling, she lowered it to her hand, squeezed her eyes shut and started filing her nails with it while cringing for 10 seconds. With a tear rolling down her cheek, Mary threw the emery board clear across the room and stood up, "I think I need to go and puke."

The rockstar dashed out of the mess hall and vomited in some bushes. "And Mary earns a point for the Frosty Ferrets!" Chris announced.

Mary simply passed out from exhausting, "Did...I do it?"

Clark just smiled and winked at Mary, "You passed with flying colors!"

5 minutes later, it was the birds' turn again and Adam was up. He sat down at a table while Chris presented a beaker filled with blood to him. Adam went pale, "Ya...sure this ain't HIV positive blood?"

Chris shrugged, "Maybe, maybe not. But to score your team a point, you gotta drink it."

"What HIV positive?" Olga asked, "It bad?"

Philip turned to Olga, "Very bad. AIDS is a blood virus that makes people very sick and even kills them."

"And if the blood isn't HIV positive, it still has a chance of turning Adam into a vampire." Luna explained, "Trust me, I know my creatures of the night."

Olga blinked, "What if Adam turn into AIDS vampire?"

Luna shook her head, "I'm pretty sure most vampires are immune to HIV positive blood. They're more likely to get rabies cause they come from bats."

Janessa rolled her eyes, "Just drink the blood, yo."

Adam squeezed his eyes shut and put the beaker to his lips, he downed the entire thing of blood only to vomit it all back up. "Adam still gets a point to the birds for effort!" Chris announced.

**ADAM (CC):** That was the WORST! If ah get AIDS from that, ah could file a lawsuit!

**OLGA (CC):** Does this mean Adam is Rabies-Vampire now?

5 minutes later, it was the ferrets' turn and Mary put her arm around a terrified Clark as a garage door opened. Inside the garage was a large aquarium tank and the Native American teen could see tentacles inside of the murky water. Suddenly, a large tentacle popped out of the tank and wrapped around a terrified Clark's ankles. With incredible strength, the giant squid began throwing Clark about like a rag doll, slamming him into the wall. After two terrifying minutes, the squid finally threw Clark out of the garage and Tanner rushed up to the injured furry teen who was making animalistic whimpering noises. The med student pulled out his first aid kit and helped Clark doctor his wounds while Mary gently stroked the raccoon furry's head.

"And Clark wins a point for the Frosty Ferrets!" Chris announced.

**TANNER (CC):** It sure is a good thing my team has me and my medical skills.

5 minutes later, it was the Burning Birds' turn and Olga stood nervously in front of a glass elevator. Luna gave her an encouraging smile, "Now if this elevator does anything to hurt you, I'll put a curse on it and its little dog, too!"

Olga smiled, "Thank you, Luna."

Suddenly, the doors opened and Olga found herself hesitating a bit. Just then, Janessa ran up and shoved Olga into the elevator and the doors closed behind the terrified cavegirl. Philip glared at Janessa, "Was that really necessary?"

Janessa shrugged, "She locked me out of the cabin, yo. Consider it payback. Imma write a slam on how much fun that was daddy-o."

Theo folded his arms, "Thou is a demon."

Janessa smirked, "Better a demon than a sheep in a suit of armor."

Meanwhile, Olga sat in the elevator, curled up into a fetal position as it ascended. The cavegirl eventually got to her feet and stood up, gazing out the window at the breathtaking view of Total Drama Island as the elevator reached the top floor of Chris' mansion. She breathed a deep sigh, "Olga safe...Olga not dying."

Suddenly, the elevator dropped full speed to the bottom floor while Olga burst out screaming. The door opened and Janessa smirked at her, "If you weren't such a cliche cavegirl, maybe I wouldn't have push you, dawg."

"And Olga earns a point for the birds!" Chris announced.

**OLGA (CC):** Olga mad at Janessa but glad she got team point.

5 minutes later, Chelsea was ready to face her fear in the form of a porcelain doll with brown hair and a white lace dress. Tanner put his arm around Chelsea, "Just remember, it's only a doll and it can't hurt you."

The albino paparazzi girl took a deep breath and sat down at the table. Upon picking the doll up, she peered into its lifeless eyes and let out a loud shriek, throwing it clear across the room and into the wall. Chelsea then made a mad dash out of the mess hall as Fred shouted after her, "WHY ARE YOU SCARED OF IT? GIRLS ARE SUPPOSED TO PLAY WITH DOLLS!"

Tanner, Clark, Mary, Billy and Ether all glare at Fred as Chris announces, "Chelsea does not win a point for the ferrets."

**CHELSEA (CC):** IAmSoSoSoSoSoSorryButIJustCantHandleCreepyDolls.

**TANNER (CC):** If we lose this challenge, I know for sure I'm voting Fred off. There is no other option.

5 minutes later, it's the Burning Birds turn as Janessa stands in front of the exact same greenhouse that they went to at the starts of this show. Chris spoke up, "All right, Janessa. This greenhouse is just swarming with moths. You have to stay in there for 30 seconds to win a point."

Janessa rolled her eyes, "I ain't doing it, daddy-o. No way."

Luna shook her fist at Janessa, "Get in that greenhouse or I'll put a curse on your hipster butt, my pretty! You'll have hemorrhoids for YEARS AND you'll turn into a frog."

Janessa smirked, "I ain't got time for you and your empty threats, you big fat Halloween sheeple. Go back to being a walking stereotype. Imma write a slam about how lame witches are."

Suddenly, Luna grabbed Janessa's shades off her face and snapped them in two, "I'll do the same to your bongos if you DON'T get in that greenhouse, dearie!"

Instantly, Janessa snapped. The beatnik lunged forward and started punching at the homely witch girl, "THOSE WERE MY SUNGLASSES, YOU F**KING SHEEP, YOU HAD BETTER OWN UP OR I WILL FORCE YOU TO BUY ME A HIP NEW PAIR!"

As Janessa tried to land a punch, Luna caught her hand and twisted her wrist, causing the beatnik to cry out in pain. Instantly, Adam got in between the fighting pair, "Break it up, ya two. Break it up."

The two backed away and Janessa just stared at Adam for a few seconds before punching him in the face, "Stop STARING at me, you SHEEP! Can you say baa?"

Instantly, Theo and Olga restrained the beatnik while Adam wiped some blood from his nose, looked at the blood and fainted from shock.

"Janessa DEFINATELY does not score a point for the birds." Chris announced.

**LUNA (CC):** Janessa's hipsterness is getting on my last nerve. I can't wait for her to get kicked off. Do I regret breaking her shades? No, not at all. She had it coming since she cheated Yumi out of the game. I may be a witch who eats children who nibble on my candy hut, but I'm at least fair and square about things. Janessa can go take her iced coffee, slam poetry and jazz music and shove it up her-

**JANESSA (CC):** ASS! Luna be a COMPLETE ass, yo! Does she have any idea how expensive mah shades ARE?! Imma write a slam about her and her big, fat witch ass and post it ALL over the internet!

**PHILIP (CC):** Our team is a total mess with Janessa and Luna at each other's throats. Yes, Janessa has been very negative lately but at the same time, Luna is antagonizing her and picking fights. They both need to stop.

5 minutes later, Tanner sat at the docks and a boat pulled in with Yumi standing on it. The teen doctor's blood ran cold and his heart started racing really fast. Billy just smiled at the clown, "Oh, hi Yumi."

Yumi smiled and waved, "Hi, Billy."

The clown got off the boat and gave the baseball uniform wearing boy a hug. "Tanner must score a point for his team by simply shaking Yumi's hand."

Tanner gazed in horror at the clown girl before him and Clark put a paw on his shoulder, "Don't forget, she's human under all that makeup and costume. Kinda like most fursuiters."

Tanner blinked, "What do you mean by most?"

Clark shrugged, "Well, I'm not quite sure I could be classified as 100% human. I'm a little in touch with my wild side if you know what I mean. But Yumi? She's no soul sucking demon, she's just a teen girl with a lot of makeup and all you gotta do is shake her hand."

"IF YOU SHAKE HER HAND, SHE'LL GIVE YOU COOTIES AND RUIN YOUR MANLINESS!" Fred shouted.

Mary punched Fred in the arm, "Not...helping...FRED!"

Tanner let out a deep sigh and shook his head, "Sorry, but I can't...it's very personal. I can't stand LOOKING at clowns let alone shaking one's hand. The trauma's too deep, so I'll have to pass. Sorry."

Tanner sniffed and a tear rolled down his nose as Chelsea put her arm around him. "And Tanner does not score a point for the ferrets!" Chris announced.

**FRED (CC):** WAS THAT A TEAR? TANNER IS SO PATHETIC! ONLY WOMEN CRY!

**BILLY (CC):** Gee whiz, poor guy. I really can't imagine anyone being scared of a sweet girl like Yumi even if she does wear a lot of makeup.

**CHELSEA (CC):** PoorTannerIThinkHeCouldReallyUseAHug.

5 minutes later, it was the birds' final turn and Philip stood in front of a large saguaro cactus with long arms. He was literally shivering and his heart was pouding as he took a breath of his inhaler, "I...have...to HUG this thing?!"

"If ya want to score a point for your team, you have to, brah." Chris replied.

Olga put her arm around Philip, "If you no do it, Olga understand. We lose, vote Janessa off and not you."

Philip sighed and took a deep breath, "I..." The con artist took a few steps forward, gazed up at the towering cactus and just then and there, fainted and fell backwards.

"Philip fainted and couldn't face his fear. No point for the birds!" Chris announced.

**JANESSA (CC):** Hahaha. What a square, daddy-o. He fainted.

**ADAM (CC):** If he hugged the cactus and bled, I probably woulda fainted mahself.

**THEO (CC):** Sir Philip shalt consider investing in cactus proof armor like thou.

Finally, Fred was ready to face his fear for the Frosty Ferrets. He sat at the table in the mess hall and there was a bowl of cereal and a carton of milk in front of him, "I AM NOT DOING THIS!"

Tanner blinked, "Why? Are you lactose intolerant?"

Fred folded his arms, "NO, I JUST HATE IT BECAUSE IT COMES FROM GIRLY COWS WITH LONG EYELASHES AND PINK GLITTER! PLUS, IT SAYS HOMOGENIZED ON THE CARTON WHICH MEANS IT COMES FROM HOMO LESBIAN COWS."

Clark blinked, "So?"

"IF IT COMES FROM LESBIAN COWS, THE MILK MIGHT TURN ME GAY AND THEN I'LL NEVER MARRY A SALAD EATING WOMAN AND HAVE CHILDREN WITH HER, A BOY THAT PLAYS SPORTS AND EATS BEEF JERKY AND A GIRL THAT PLAYS WITH DOLLS AND EATS SALAD. THAT IT MY IDEAL FAMILY!" Fred shouted.

Clark chuckled a bit at Fred's insane logic, "I think you have the words homogenized and homosexual mixed up."

"STILL HAS THE WORD HOMO IN IT, WIMPY RACCOON BOY!" Fred shouted.

Mary pounded her fist on the table, "It's just a bowl of cereal. YOU'RE the one being a wimp! Do you really want to get voted off that badly?"

"I DO NOT TAKE ORDERS FROM A SALAD EATING PINK GLITTER WOMAN! REAL MEN DON'T TAKE ORDERS FROM WOMEN!" And with that, Fred opened the milk carton and poured it all over Mary til it was empty and tossed it across the room.

Mary, now dripping wet from the milk Fred poured on her, gave the soldier an uppercut, knocking him to the ground.

**ETHER (CC):** Fred is dumb and strong, he would've made the perfect pawn if he trusted women but sadly, he wasted himself on his sexism. Too bad I can't use him. I could've hired him to beat up that atheist science nigger Tanner or that filthy witch girl Luna. What a waste.

**MARY (CC):** Fred...if we lose...you are SO outta here!

**TANNER (CC):** I think Fred has just sealed his fate. I've met many nice soldiers working at the pharmacy but Fred is an embarrassent to the military. But then again, I'd be stupid too if I considered gunpowder to be a major food group.

Later, both teams gathered inside the mess hall as Chris read the verdict, "Frosty Ferrets, 3 out of 7 of you have faced your fear. Ether, Mary and Clark scored a point. Billy, Chelsea, Tanner and Fred did not face their fears. Burning Birds, 4 out of 6 of you faced your fears. Luna, Theo, Adam and Olga scored a point. Janessa and Philip did not face their fears. With that being said...the Burning Birds win! Frosty Ferrets, decide who you want to vote off at the ceremony."

Chris left that cabin and Fred glared at his team, "WHAT A BUNCH OF WHINY, WIMPY GIRLY LONG EYELASHES PINK GLITTER SALAD EATING MAGGOTS!"

Clark shook his head, "You didn't face your fear, either, you know."

Fred crossed his arms, "IF I DID, THE MILK WOULD TURN ME GAY AND I WOULD START LISTENING TO GAY TECHNO MUSIC AND EAT FRUIT INSTEAD OF MANLY BEEF JERKY!"

Mary shook her head, "You just love the sound of your own voice, don't you, Fred?"

"I HAVE A VERY BEAUTIFUL VOICE! EVERYONE LOVES MY VOICE BECAUSE IT'S A MANLY VOICE!" Fred shouted.

**MARY (CC):** Goodbye, you testosterone poisoned meathead!

**CLARK (CC):** Fred's stupidity is just plain mind-boggling. He is without a doubt the dumbest and loudest person I have ever met in my life and I am not kidding about that. The island will be much quieter without him here.

**FRED (CC):** I AM VOTING OFF MARY BECAUSE NO WOMAN SHOULD EVER GIVE ORDERS TO A MAN!

**BILLY (CC):** I am sick and tired of Fred bullying me. It's finally time I stood up to him. I'm voting him off.


	13. Return Of Phobia Factor Part 3

The 7 Frosty Ferrets sat at the campfire ceremony as Chris stood in front of them holding a plate with 6 marshmallows on it, "Frosty Ferrets, or should I say Frosty Chickens. Despite having a numbers advantage against the birds, most of you chickened out and lost the challenge. Campers, you know the drill. I have 6 marshmallows on this plate and the camper who does not receive a marshmallow must walk the Launchpad Of Shame, board the Rocket Of Losers and blast outta here."

"Ether, come and get your marshmallow, you're safe." Chris announced.

"Jesus is on my side." Ether replied, claiming her marshmallow.

"Tanner"

The labcoat wearing teen got up and grabbed the second marshmallow.

"Clark"

The otherkin furry crawled over to the plate on all fours and snagged his marshmallow in a raccoony way.

"Chelsea"

The albino paparazzi hopped up to the plate and grabbed her marshmallow.

"Billy"

Chris threw the next marshmallow and Billy caught it in his catcher's mitt. Mary and Fred, the blue-haired rock star girl and the drill sergeant sat on their stumps and a single marshmallow sat on the plate, "Campers, this is the final marshmallow of the night and the camper who gets to stay is...

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.  
.

"Mary"

The heavy metal singer caught the final marshmallow and much to everyone's surprise, Fred stood up and saluted the rest of the team, "WELL, IT LOOKS LIKE I HAVE BEEN DISCHARGED FROM MY PLATOON! YOU MAY HAVE VOTED ME OFF OVER A SALAD EATING WOMAN BUT MY SPIRIT LIVES ON! THIS ISLAND HAS JUST GOTTEN 100% LESS MANLY WITHOUT ME AROUND!"

Clark gave a sarcastic chuckle, "I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing."

And so, Fred spun around and marched his way down the Launchpad Of Shame and Boarded The Rocket of Losers all while singing his final sound off:  
I DON'T KNOW BUT I'VE BEEN TOLD  
I'VE BEEN VOTED OFF, SOMETHING THAT RHYMES WITH TOLD!

As the loudmouth sergeant marched into the rocket, the door closed behind him and Chef lit the fuse, the rocket blasting off in the direction of the Playa.

**TANNER (CC):** Finally, some peace and quiet!

**MARY (CC):** Fred's loudmouth and over-the-top sexism led to his early downfall. Having burping contests against him was fun but after a while, he got on my nerves. Good riddance.

**ETHER (CC):** Fred was okay. Much better than satanic metal bitch Mary, albino hellspawn Chelsea, atheist nigger Tanner or furfag Clark but I couldn't concentrate on strategy with his loud voice everywhere. Billy is my lamb and I, his shepherd. All I have to do is lead him astray from those demons and teach him some old testament. He's so vulnerable and naive, I could convince him that it is God's will to take my side.

Later that night, Luna was walking outside and noticed Chef putting various pots and pans away in the mess hall. The witch walked over to the co-host and cleared her throat, "We need to talk."

Chef raised an eyebrow, "About what?"

"My cooking skills." Luna replied, "You took DJ under your wing in Action, I was wondering if I could work as a sous chef for you as well."

Chef shook his head, "Sorry but I'm through with illegal alliances."

Luna shook her head, "No, it's not an alliance. I just want to be able to add something extra to the camp food to you know, spice it up a bit. Spiderwebs, live tarantulas, dog tongues, snail shells, toadstools, frogs who were once boys but I cursed them because they wouldn't let me in their clubhouse because I was a girl...you know, the staples of witchy cooking."

Chef rubbed his chin, "Could be interesting. Oh all, right. I'll let you cook the food but only for tomorrow, all right?"

"Thanks, Chef." Luna replied, "Mweeheeheehee, I can't wait to see the looks on everyone's face when they get a taste of my cooking!

**LUNA (CC):** Toe of gorilla, eye of bat, tears of warthog, tongue of rat. Put it all in a pot, stir it up, serve it hot. Mweeheeheeheehee! Breakfast is served, my pretties!

**CHEF (CC):** Man, that Luna girl has got really weird taste in cooking.

**Eliminated so far:** Ollie, Brittany, Yumi, Fred

**NOTE:** _Ah, yes. Fred has finally been eliminated. With his loud mouth and sexist attitude, he definitely wouldn't make it to the merge. There are still 4 more episodes and an aftermath before the merge happens, just so you know. As for Fred, he had no allies and the only reason he lasted this long is because the Burning Birds lost 2 challenges and he was on the same team as Total Drama teen Casey Anthony. You won't be seeing him til the next aftermath which won't be until chapter 20._


	14. Ready! Aim! Fire! Part 1

Chris Maclean stood on the docks, facing the camera, "Last time on Total Drama Fire And Ice, 13 contestants had to face their fears. We found out that Clark enjoys fapping to Rocket Raccoon comics. Sick, what a furfag! Haha. Anyways, Janessa started a fight with both Mary and Luna which ended up in a pair of broken sunglasses. Despite Janessa's bad attitude and the Burning Birds' disadvantage, the Frosty Ferrets lost the challenge after 4 members of their team chickened out. In the end, Fred and his loud mouth blasted off on the Rocket Of Losers. 12 campers remain and things aren't getting any easier. Find out what happens next on Total Drama Fire and Ice!"

*I wanna be famous theme song*

The sun rose once again on Camp Wawanakwa as Chelsea waited outside the men's side of the communal bathrooms with her camera ready. Olga walked up to the albino paparazzi, "Hey, Chelsea. Why you stand outside boys' side?"

Chelsea smiled at Olga, "Well, I'm waiting to see if someone goes in so I can barge in and take a picture of them naked."

Olga chuckled a bit, "You funny, Chelsea. Also, why you no speak fast? You speak fast first time you come. What happen to voice?"

Chelsea shrugged, "The energy drinks in my system ran out of steam, I only talk super fast when I'm on them and I haven't been able to find any on the island so far."

Olga smiled, "By the way, Luna not in Burning Birds cabin. She off eating people?"

Chelsea shrugged, "Beats me, I haven't seen her this morning, either. I'm sure she's still in the game, though."

"Ummmm...pardon me, ladies but uh...what're ya doing outside of the boys' bathroom?" Adam asked, suddenly appeared out of nowhere.

Olga gave an embarassed blush while Chelsea just grinned at Adam, "Well, I'm waiting until a guy walks in and uses the rest room. Then I'll snap a few good photos of his ding dong and put it on the internet."

Adam blinked a few times, "Why are ya so obsessed with naked people?"

Chelsea shrugged, "Nudity is natural. Whenever someone is born, they're naked. And sometimes that naked baby grows up to be a famous person. And then when they take their clothes off, they're naked and famous. If I had a time machine, I would go back and make sure every episode of Saturday Night Live had every single person naked in it and I would call it my masterpiece. Nudity is nature, art, money, controversy, so many different things. Really amazing, huh?"

Adam and Olga just blinked at her and Philip dashed into the men's washroom. Chelsea followed behind him, a camera snap and Philip's screaming could be heard. Olga and Adam just looked at each other and burst out laughing.

**CHELSEA (CC):** Snapping the photo was TOTALLY worth it. There's one for my scrapbook!

**PHILIP (CC):** What on earth is Chelsea's problem?! Doesn't she know its rude to spy on people? What a weirdo!

**OLGA (CC):** Philip cute. Olga kind of want to see photo herself.

Meanwhile, Tanner and Clark were outside of the mess hall and Clark was digging in the dumpster while making animalistic grunting and chittering noises. Tanner raised an eyebrow, "Clark, is this really necessary?"

Clark just shrugged, "My animal instincts told me that Chef had left some juicy apples in this dumpster. I was listening to the call of the wild."

Tanner blinked a few times, "Yeah...aren't you aware that dumpsters are crawling with germs?"

Clark shrugged, "My human side tells me it's very insanitary but my raccoon side tells me it's fun. In the end, my beastly side won. Personally, if you ask me, being human is kind of overrated. I'm a procyon, not a primate."

Tanner blinked, "Procyon? Wouldn't expect a scientific word like that to come out of a spiritual guy like you. You're just full of surprises."

Clark just laughed, "Of course I am, the raccoon is a trickster spirit after all, you know. The elders told me so at the reservation."

Tanner rubbed his chin, "Right. And besides, what would Mary say if she saw you digging in thr dumpster?"

Clark smiled, "Mary is a rough tomboy. She's the type of girl who has burping contests with guys and shuns all things girly. I doubt she'd be fazed by any of my raccoony antics."

Tanner nodded, "Hmmm...I can see why she likes you, then."

**CLARK (CC):** Mary finds the fact that I act like an animal really cute. If I wasn't her boyfriend, I'd be glad to be her pet.

**TANNER (CC):** Clark just gets weirder and weirder. I wonder if he's hiding something. Oh well, he's certainly a strong player and someone who I'd like to ally with despite his eccentricity.

Meanwhile, Mary, Billy and Ether are all sitting in the shade of a birch tree relaxing as Mary plays her guitar and sings:

Hey boy, when your heart is breaking

Hey boy when she's through taking

Everything that she can take from you

Hey boy, when you're through with losing

Hey boy, when you're down and bruising

Everything seems so cruel to you...

**MARY (CC):** What can I say? The Raccoons is one of my top 3 favorite TV shows alongside Metalocalypse and Northern Exposure. I guess part of the reason I like Clark so much is cause of his raccoon motif. Sometimes I wonder if Tanner feels like he's more in an episode of Northern Exposure than one of Total Drama. After all, he is an aspiring doctor.

**BILLY (CC):** Gee whiz, it's much more swell to hear Mary playing her guitar instead of Fred shouting his head off. The camp seems much quiter and more peaceful already.

Ether got up and walked up to Mary who abruptly stopped playing her guitar, "Hey Mary, sorry to interrupt your concert but Billy and I are going to have a private chat over there. You know, alliance talk."

Mary shrugged, "Do whatever you feel like. I have an alliance of my own too, you know."

Ether smiled at Mary, "Thank you for your understanding. I'm sure you can continue putting on your concert for Jesus. He's standing above and watching you, you know."

Mary rolled her eyes, "Yeah, I think I get the picture, Ether."

**ETHER (CC):** That heavy metal satan is going down one of these days. And when she does, I'll be there to picket at her funeral with the WBC.

And so, Ether and Billy walked out into a clearing and Billy blinked, "Is there something you'd like to talk to me about, Ether?"

Ether smiled and nodded, "Billy, you know that I'm a Christian and that Christians never lie. I lay my hand upon the bible and swear on the good name of the lord Jesus Christ that I'll take you to the final two with me."

Billy gasped in shock, "Golly! Really? Gee whillickers, that's real keen of you, Ether."

Ether smiled, "But...if we lose this challenge, I think it would be best if we vote off Clark."

"Clark?" Billy asked, "But he's the strongest one on our team right now."

Ether smiled, "Right now, Clark may be our strongest player but once the merge happens, he'll be a huge threat along with Mary. Best to vote him off now and spare the tension. Besides, Clark is a disease ridden homosexual. Jesus knows. All furries are gays who dress in animal costumes to make themselves appear cute but they really want to lure unsuspecting people and molest and rape them. Billy, you can't trust Clark. Vote him off for your own safety, you'll be doing the right thing and God will thank you for it."

Billy rubbed his chin, "Gee whiz...I guess if Jesus says so, it's best to follow his word. All right, Ether. I'll take your side."

Ether smiled and shook Billy's hand, "Excellent, you won't regret your decision."

**BILLY (CC):** Gosh...if Jesus says to stay away from furries then maybe I should.

**ETHER (CC):** Heh heh heh...Billy truly is my faithful lamb!

Meanwhile, Chelsea had just dashed into the girls' side of the communal restroom and a loud camera click and Janessa's angry screaming were heard, "YOU STUPID PAPARAZZI REPUBLICAN SOCCER MOM SHEEP! How DARE you snap a photo of me on the can. Imma write a slam about how you suck and imma get my revenge on you! Just you wait, daddy-o!"

Chelsea skipped out of the washroom giggling uncontrollably as Janessa chased her with her pants to her ankles and wound up tripping and falling on her face.

**CHELSEA (CC):** So worth it!

**JANESSA (CC):** Imma write a slam so mean that albino sheeple will cry! Just you wait, daddy-o!

Meanwhile, Mary walked up to Tanner and Clark was still digging in the dumpster. The rocker smiled at the med student, "Hey Tanner, looks like Clark is getting in touch with his wild side, huh?"

Tanner blinked, "This doesn't gross you out?"

Mary shrugged, "I sometimes look through dumpsters myself. Sometimes people throw away the most valuable things. I one time found a perfectly good pair of speakers someone tossed in the dumpster. It's really sad to think someone would want to toss it away. Now I use those speakers for recording sessions with my band."

Clark popped out of the dumpster, "Hey, Mary. I saved an apple for you. Catch!"

The otherkin threw the apple and the rockstar girl caught it and took a bite out of it. Tanner cringed, "Ugh...seriously?"

Mary shrugged, "Dumpster diving sure beats Chef's cooking anyday."

Tanner crossed his arms, "Neither is very good for your health."

Suddenly, Chris' voice came across the loudspeaker, "Campers, get into the mess hall and have breakfast. I'm sure you'll be finding the next challenge to be quite a blast!"

**TANNER (CC):** A blast? I already don't like the sound of this. Might as well bring my first aid kit.

**LUNA (CC):** Mweeheeheehee, just wait until they taste my cooking!

10 campers filed into the mess hall and they noticed Theo already sitting at the table, "Looks like thy early bird catches thine worm. Can my fellow knights joineth me for thine morning feast?"

The knight skewed a tarantula with his lance and bit the legs off it it, "Luna hath been cooking breakfast for us instead of Chef this fine morning!"

Clark just shrugged, "Well, sometimes raccoons eat insects so I'll take what I can get."

Tanner crossed his arms, "This mess hall needs a serious health inspection if you ask me."

Luna stepped out from behind the kitchen counter, "Hello there, my pretties! Chef Hatchet was kind enough to let me cook breakfast so I cooked up the witchiest meal I could make!"

Philip sat down and peered at his soup to see a dead bat floating in it, "Seriously?"

Olga was busy picking cobwebs out of her soup, "This soup seem different." Suddenly, a spider crawled out of the cavegirl's soup and Olga took the bone out of her hair and squashed it.

Mary just peered down and saw some fetus-like thing wiggling in her soup, "What in the world is that?"

Tanner walked up to Mary and examined her soup, "I think it's an embalmed cow fetus."

"I brought it to life with my witchy magic! Mweeheeheehee!" Luna cackled wickedly, earning an eyeroll from Philip and Adam.

Mary pushed her bowl away, "Eww. No way am I eating the Eraserhead baby."

Billy peered down at his soup to see live snakes swimming around in it, hissing, "Gee whiz, I think I'll pass on my soup as well."

Janessa groaned as she pulled a shrunken head out of her soup, "Dragsville...man, where is the damn iced coffee?"

Philip raised an eyebrow, "We've already told you a million times, Janessa. This is summer camp, not Starbucks."

Adam just peered over at the other teams table and watched as Clark washed his hands in the soup like a raccoon does and bit the head off a giant cockroach as he made satisfied growling noises, "Yeah...ah reckon some of us are more in touch with our wild sides than others."

Suddenly, Chris barged in the mess hall wearing goggles, a kevlar vest with a mechanical belt around his waste with what appeared to be a life bar on it and a large blaster gun, "Campers, today we're going to be playing a game called Extreme Radioactive Virtual Reality Laser Tag Deathmatch."

Philip blinked a few times, "That sounds...extreme."

Chelsea giggled a bit, "Do we get to pull our opponent's pants down and snap pictures of their privates?"

Chris shook his head, "No, we won't be doing any of that. This is a laser tag challenge, not a perverted voyeur challenge."

"So, how exactly are we going to do this challenge? Will it be a free for all or a one on one?" Clark asked.

"One on one." Chris explained, "There will be a total of six matches between each team since there are 12 campers total and six on each team. Whichever team wins most matches wins. If there is a tie and 3 Burning Birds and 3 Frosty Ferrets win, the six winners will go on to face round two and duke it out. If that's the case, then whichever team scores at least two matches wins."

Tanner smiled, "Sounds pretty fair. May I ask just how much radiation these laser guns carry?"

Chris shrugged, "Beats me, but one things for sure: they sure do pack one heck of a punch. Everyone, follow me to the newly built arcade on the island. I'll give you your gear there."

Billy blinked, "Gee whiz, what's an arcade?"

"A place where you play video games." Philip replied.

"What's a video game?" Billy asked, "Is it like watching baseball on TV?"

Most everyone groaned and facepalmed at Billy.

**BILLY (CC):** Gee whiz, I sure hope our next challenge involves dancing to a jukebox at a malt shop or a baseball game if I don't get voted off. Boy oh boy, would that be swell!

**JANESSA (CC):** Stupid sheeple doesn't know what video games are. Must've got too many baseballs knocked off his head.

**CLARK (CC):** Laser tag, huh? I one time played a round of laser tag with some fursuiters at an arcade once. I've also roleplayed online on a MUCK website as a space commando fox named Blaster Felix. Good times...good times...sadly, the MUCK site is now defunct.

**LUNA (CC):** My cooking skills were really put to the test. Maybe I could cook the food if the campers have an eating challenge. As for laser tag, I sure hope the lazers turn my opponent into a frog. Time to get blasting, my pretties! Mweeheeheeheehee!


End file.
